The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter and How to Make the Most of Them Now

by Meg Jay

the things we do well enough, or long enough, that they become a part of who we are. Some identity capital goes on a résumé, such as degrees, jobs, test scores, and clubs. Other identity capital is more personal, such as how we speak, where we are from, how we solve problems, how we look.

It seemed I was waiting for someone to tell me to get going. So I did.

The one thing I have learned is that you can’t think your way through life. The only way to figure out what to do is to do—something.

“Not making choices isn’t safe. The consequences are just further away in time, like in your thirties or forties.”

If we only wanted to be happy, it would be easy; but we want to be happier than other people, which is almost always difficult, since we think them happier than they are.

This underestimation of how much other twentysomethings are struggling makes everything

Some twentysomethings dream too small, not understanding that their twentysomething choices matter and are, in fact, shaping the years ahead. Others dream too big, fueled more by fantasies about limitless possibilities than by experience. Part of realizing our potential is recognizing how our particular gifts and limitations fit with the world around us. We realize where our authentic potential actually lies.

stopped thinking about whether what I was doing was below me. I learned to not worry about how to make it to the next

We have to shift from a negative identity, or a sense of what I’m not, to a positive one, or a sense of what I am. This takes courage.

Western culture is generally individualistic, prizing independence and self-fulfillment in almost all areas. We emphasize rights over duties and choice over obligation. This

“The same way you make any decision. You weigh the evidence and you listen to yourself. The trick for you is going to be to listen to what matters, not to every single thing that makes you dissatisfied or anxious.”

Feeling better doesn’t come from avoiding adulthood, it comes from investing in adulthood.