Courage to Change—One Day at a Time in Al‑Anon II

by Al-Anon Family Groups

Whether or not I see immediate benefits, today I choose to keep coming back. “Patience is the key to paradise.” Turkish proverb

At any given moment, no matter what is going on, if I concentrate on being right here, right now, I know that I am fine.

My worst fears about tomorrow need not affect this day. By letting them go, I am free to grow. What bad habit can I change today? What fear can I face? What joy can I acknowledge? What good fortune, no matter how modest, can I celebrate? All I have is today. Let me make today the most fully alive day I have ever experienced.

The Chinese word for crisis is written with two characters. The first stands for danger, and the second for opportunity. I will look for the good hidden within everything I encounter. “There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands.” Richard Bach

Humility is said to be perpetual quietness of heart. It means that I do my part and trust God to take care of the rest. Although I may not know how my help will come, I can remain serene. All I have to do is to ask my Higher Power for healing.

How do I feel today? How am I doing? If I can answer those questions truthfully, I am more likely to pursue the help I need and to share the happy times with others as well.

Worry and fear can alter our perceptions until we lose all sense of reality, twisting neutral situations into nightmares. Because most worry focuses on the future, if we can learn to stay in the present, living one day or one moment at a time, we take positive steps toward warding off the effects of fear.

I first heard, “Be gentle with yourself,” at an Al-Anon meeting. I had a hard time with the idea until I put my imagination to work. I pictured myself finding a kitten and holding it in my cupped hands. I imagined the feelings I might have toward this sweet creature—tenderness, patience, compassion, wonder, and love. I quickly put myself in the kitten’s place and focused all of those gentle feelings in my own direction. It worked! As I have grown in Al-Anon, I have come to see that my Higher Power holds me in the same gentle way—protecting me, guiding me, and loving me every day.

“An expectation is a premeditated resentment.” I take this statement to suggest that when I have a resentment I can look to my expectations for a probable source.

I have the right to choose my own standards of conduct, but I do not have the right or the power to impose those standards on others. “I have accepted myself and I’m beginning to accept other people the way they are each day. Now I have fewer resentments.” Living with Sobriety

By turning to my Higher Power for protection, rather than my wits or my will, I avail myself of the best possible defense.

I will take time to clear my mind of unnecessary, hurried thoughts. There seems to be a limited amount of space in my mind until I do. But when I clear this clutter away, the space becomes limitless and the guidance I am truly willing to accept comes through.

I’m assured that I have everything I need to do what I am here to do today. That doesn’t mean I have everything I want, but I can trust that my Higher Power has a better grasp of what’s good for me than I do.

Perhaps I can take a different view of my problems. If I accept them at face value without taking them personally, I may find that they are not problems at all, only things that have not gone as I would have liked. This change of attitude can help free me to evaluate the situation realistically and move forward constructively.

“God asks no man whether he will accept life. That is not the choice. You must take it. The only choice is how.” Henry Ward Beecher

There are better ways to express myself than to say, “You did such and such to me.” I can talk about myself and my feelings. I can explain the way I experienced something rather than telling the other person how he or she made me feel. I can talk about what I want. I am no longer a victim.

I will not allow old resentments to drag me down any longer. I am building a better and more loving life today. “Forgiving is not forgetting, it’s letting go of the hurt.” Mary McLeod Bethune

my well-being cannot depend upon whether or not the alcoholic drinks. His behavior is not a reflection of me, it’s a reflection of his disease. However, my behavior is a reflection of me, and I owe it to myself to pay attention to what it has to tell me. I have to take care of myself. I have to accept that alcoholism is a disease which can be arrested but not cured.

My life is too important to waste waiting for someone else’s choices, even when it’s someone I dearly love.

Prayer is my most personal form of communication. I can pray by consciously thinking, writing, creating, feeling, and hoping. Whether I reach deep inside myself or turn outward toward the majesty of nature, it is the spirit of prayer rather than its form that matters. Today I will let my heart speak.

“Love your neighbor, yet pull not down your hedge.” George Herbert

Today I know that conflict is not necessarily an indication that someone is wrong. Difficulties may just arise. Sometimes people simply disagree.

Sometimes, blame is just an excuse to keep busy so that I don’t have to feel the discomfort of my powerlessness.

Lately, when I feel like hitting somebody, I take my pillow and beat the daylights out of my bed. When I want to wipe someone out, I attack my dirty oven. I try to release my anger as soon as I can so that I won’t build resentments that will be harder to get rid of later.

I have value simply because I breathe the breath of humanity.

“I exist as I am, that is enough, if no other in the world be aware I sit content, and if each and all be aware I sit content.” Walt Whitman

“No man can think clearly when his fists are clenched.” George Jean Nathan

“Courage faces fear and thereby masters it.” Martin Luther King, Jr.

“Remind me each day that the race is not always to the swift; that there is more to life than increasing its speed. Let me look upward into the towering oak and know that it grew great and strong because it grew slowly and well.” Orin L. Crain

“. . . time will change and even reverse many of your present opinions. Refrain, therefore, awhile from setting yourself up as a judge of the highest matters.” Plato

Today, if I encounter an upsetting situation, I will ask myself, “How important is it?” before I react. I may find that it is not important enough to sacrifice my serenity. “It is almost as important to know what is not serious as to know what is.” John Kenneth Galbraith

I am the only one who can make my well-being my top priority. I owe it to myself to pay attention to the needs of my body, mind, and spirit.

I continue to find it hard to accept that I can’t trust the promises of someone I love. Yet I see that most of my heartache has come from my own refusal to accept reality. Al-Anon helps me to trust my experiences more than the inconsistent words of others.

Today I can choose to take responsibility for my own life. If I stay out of others’ affairs and become more aware of my own, I have a good chance of finding some serenity. “Each man’s life represents a road toward himself.” Hermann Hesse

Before taking any action, I need only remind myself that I am in the care of a Higher Power. Whether the words I use say, “Help!” or “Let Go and Let God,” or “Came to believe,” I know that my Higher Power and I can deal with whatever we are facing.

I am human and I get angry, but I don’t have to act out my anger in destructive ways. I do not have the right to take it out on others. Whether my usual response is to scream, sulk in cold silence, or lash out with cruel words, today I can look at what I do when I get mad. Maybe next time I will try something new.

Today I will appreciate the full range of feelings available to me. They make my experience of life full indeed. “I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable . . . but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing.” Agatha Christie

At all times, I have done the best I was able to do. If my only way to cope with a difficult situation was to deny it, I can look back with compassion to that person who saw no better option at the time. I can forgive myself and count my blessings for having come so far since then. “Regret is an appalling waste of energy; you can’t build on it; it’s only good for wallowing in.” Katherine Mansfield

Trying to change other people is futile, foolish, and certainly not loving. Today, instead of assuming that they are the problem, I can look at myself to see what needs changing within. “The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves and not to twist them to fit our own image.” Thomas Merton

It’s not easy to admit defeat and give in to that powerful foe, alcoholism. Yet, this surrender is absolutely necessary if we are ever to have sane, happy lives again.

Today I will relish my serenity. I know that it is safe to enjoy it. “Be still and know that I am with you.” English prayer

“God gave us memories so that we might have roses in December.” James M. Barrie

Al-Anon has given me an opportunity to share my home movies with others. My situation is neither the best nor the worst. Although I am unique in some ways, I am more like others than I ever suspected. I will appreciate this sense of fellowship today. “. . . as we learn to place our problem in its true perspective, we find it loses its power to dominate our thoughts and our lives.” Suggested Al-Anon/Alateen Welcome

Feelings may not be comfortable, but that doesn’t make them bad. With a change of attitude, I have choices about what to do with my feelings. Anything can be used for my good if I allow it. Recognizing this opportunity may take every ounce of imagination I have, but maybe that’s why God gave me imagination to begin with. “My feelings are neither right nor wrong but are important by virtue of being mine.” . . . In All Our Affairs

“Just for today I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once.” Just for Today

Suddenly I am aware of thoughts racing and crashing through my mind at an alarming speed—memories, broken promises, fears about the future, failed expectations of both myself and other people. This is a familiar chaos and one that I can now recognize. It is a signal that my life has, for the time being, become unmanageable. At such a time, serenity is often just a phone call away. A simple acknowledgment of the chaos immediately diminishes it. I step back, step outside the madness, and all at once it washes away or scatters in all the myriad directions from which it came. The pieces of my chaos return to their proper places, where I can either leave them alone or choose to confront them one at a time.

I will spend more time with myself in this lifetime than with anyone else. Let me learn to be the kind of person I would like to have as a friend.

How often I still find myself impatient with the pace of life. But today, when things don’t happen according to my schedule, I can accept that there may be a reason, and I can learn to adjust to what is. I may be experiencing great change on the inside even though I see little evidence on the outside. I can keep in mind that waiting time doesn’t have to mean wasted time. Even times of stillness have lessons to teach me.

Today I can be grateful that the earth will continue to revolve without any help from me. I am free to live my own life, safe in the knowledge that a Higher Power is taking care of the world, my loved ones, and myself.

Does analyzing my situation provide any useful insights, or is it an attempt to control the uncontrollable? Am I taking inventory or avoiding work that needs to be done by keeping my mind occupied? I have heard that knowledge is power. But sometimes my thirst for knowledge can be an attempt to exercise power where I am powerless. Instead, I can take the First Step. “Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.” Soren Kierkegaard