The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief

by Francis Weller

The one emotion that has touched everyone is grief. It may be the grief we finally allow ourselves to feel for the life we did not choose. It may be our sorrow for losses that happened early in our life, losses that we were unprepared to grieve. It may be for relationships that fell apart, friendships that have vanished, times of violation and abandonment, or for the suffering we feel for our ravished earth.

“The process of being seen, understood, and accepted by an attuned, empathic other engenders a sense of genuine self-acceptance, a feeling that we are profoundly okay. We feel safe enough, strong enough, sure enough to venture courageously into the world and develop the competencies we need to deal with life’s challenges.”

Sometimes, after years of being alone with our pain, the offer of deep attention initiates a radical shift in our worldview. One woman contacted us following a grief ritual to share how this level of being witnessed had changed her life. She said she had arrived at the weekend terrified and not even sure if she could stay. I never would have thought that raw, searing grief and sorrow could bring out the most tender, generous, compassionate, and loving sides of total strangers. It was exquisite. I will carry this with me for the rest of my life. I saw in the darkest corners of our pain and grief, something very beautiful. Suffering compels us to reach. When you find a channel for your rage and deepest suffering, and there’s another hand there reaching back, what lies in the wake of it all, is finally—blessed peace. Calm. Nothing has changed about your loss . . . it’s still there. But your relationship with it has been greatly altered. You have been heard and held tenderly. You have been drained. And then you can open yourself up again. You can start to rebuild in that annihilated place.56

We cannot figure our way out of grief. We cannot use information or concepts to somehow reduce our experience of pain. As the adage goes, “The only way out, is through.” We must turn toward our experience and touch it with the softest hands possible. Only then, in the inner terrain of silence and solitude, will our grief yield to us and offer up its most tender shoots. This move is another form of sacred ritual, crafted in the moment and consecrated by the grace of compassion.