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PUSH THROUGH LOW CONFIDENCE AND DEPRESSION WITH A GROWTH MINDSET
In Brazilian jiu-jitsu, there is a saying: “In practice, there is no losing. There is only winning and learning. The only way to lose is to not practice.”
Bad advice can’t fix bad feelings, and neither can ignoring those feelings. Don’t try to push them away or pretend they’re not there. These feelings evolved to protect us from harm, like our fight-or-flight responses.
Research shows that when people identify their own emotions consciously, using accurate words—“afraid,” “angry,” “anxious”—the amygdala, that little biological threat sensor in the brain, calms down almost instantly.
You can tame your negative emotions to some degree just by calling them their true names.
The big leap out of the low-self-esteem spiral, though, is to adopt a “growth mindset”—a concept developed by psychologist Carol Dweck.
In a growth mindset, people only need to believe two things: (1) that their abilities can be improved through dedication and hard work rather than remain limited by their genes, backgrounds, or current situations (that is called a “fixed mindset”); and (2) that failures and setbacks can help you learn how to get better.
People who embrace a growth mindset actually do learn more (and more quickly) and they view challenges and failures as valuable signals to improve their skills rather than as signals that they should quit.
CHAPTER 2: UNDERSTAND WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE A WOMAN
when a woman interacts with a man, she is afraid of being physically harmed or sexually assaulted.
SHE IS TIRED OF BEING OBJECTIFIED, SO SUBJECTIFY HER INSTEAD
Here’s the thing though: when women say, “Don’t objectify me,” they don’t mean “You’re never allowed to look at my boobs or notice my butt.” Actually, they kind of like their boobs and butts and hope you do too, if you’re a good guy and you also appreciate their other features, like their eyes or their opinions.
SHE IS PHYSICALLY VULNERABLE, AND SHE KNOWS IT
Women have evolved this ambivalent arousal/fear, love/hate response to male size, strength, and power. If you want to be successful in modern mating, the more you understand this, the better you can deliver what women love while eliminating what they fear.
SHE’S BEEN DEALING WITH CREEPY DOUCHEBAGS FOR A LONG TIME
Likewise, women spend a big proportion of their time in the mating market avoiding the small percentage of guys who are the most intrusive, obnoxious, or insane.
SHE’S PROBABLY JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU, AND YOU NEED TO BE OKAY WITH THAT
What percent of these women would I be willing to have sex with right now, if it was safe, easy, consensual, and no strings attached?
By contrast, the average woman finds the average man sexually invisible, neutral, disgusting, or repulsive. Only a tiny percentage of guys inspire immediate lust in women.
All you need to know at this point is that women are choosier about who they have sex with; men are choosier about who they commit to.)
Guys have sexual fantasies about almost all the women they know, whereas women have fantasies about virtually no men. She doesn’t have as many sexual fantasies per month as you do, she doesn’t masturbate nearly as much, and sex is usually more in the background of her consciousness than the foreground.
SHE ALREADY KNOWS SHE’S PRETTY, AND SHE’S STILL SELF-CONSCIOUS
Blue
This is one reason why it’s pointless, and often counterproductive, to go up and compliment beautiful women on their beauty. Tell her something she doesn’t already know and hasn’t already heard from a thousand guys. Better yet, don’t tell her anything. Ask her about her interests, ambitions, friends, background—anything that requires some social intelligence to appreciate behind her “hot girl” persona. Just talk to her like you already understand that (a) she’s beautiful, and you both know it, (b) she’s felt ambivalent about her beauty for years, and (c) she’d like to be appreciated for things
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Studies show that most men are attracted to women with curves and meat on their bones; the high-fertility hourglass shapes (like Kim Kardashian, Sofia Vergara, or Halle Berry), not low-fertility apple shapes or no-fertility chopstick shapes.
Also, guys prefer women who are physically healthy and capable, with strong muscles, bones, connective tissues, and immune systems, because this predicts being a sexually energetic girlfriend; a capable, protective mother; and a long-lived partner. (Think Jennifer Lawrence, Jessica Biel, Rhona Mitra, or Jennifer Garner…) Men want just the right amount of fat, in the right places, on a strong, healthy frame.
SHE IS WORRIED ABOUT HER SOCIAL STATUS, AND YOU’RE A BIG PART OF THAT
Both sexes are suckers for status-seeking through consumerism.
“Sluts” aren’t derogated because women are uncomfortable with their sexuality; it’s because they’re experts at mate poaching, which is a very real threat to most women.
SHE’S TERRIFIED OF PREGNANCY, ABANDONMENT, AND STDS
We know from anthropological studies of hunter-gatherer societies that if a guy abandons a woman or he has a hunting accident and gets killed, the likelihood of her baby surviving drops alarmingly. It’s a potentially huge cost, and it’s why women have evolved a pretty good radar for detecting unreliable flakes.
Very few guys want to become a step-dad, and women understand this.
When a guy gets an STD, it’s usually a temporary inconvenience. When a woman gets one, it can often lead to infertility, or it can infect the baby during birth.
In fact, she cares more about how you smell than you can imagine. It’s a mammalian thing—pheromones are real. And so is poor hygiene. Some women will decide they’re interested in hooking up with a guy just from his online dating profile, and the live, in-person date is basically to see if he smells as good chemically as he looked digitally.
SHE IS JUST AS FRUSTRATED BY DATING AS YOU ARE
it is much harder for a highly attractive woman to get what she wants, sexually and romantically, than it is for a highly attractive man.
SHE HAS SEXUAL FANTASIES JUST LIKE YOU DO, EXCEPT SHE GETS A BUNCH OF SHIT FOR HERS
Women don’t fantasize about being sexually assaulted by bridge trolls on top of floating garbage skiffs. But they do fantasize about being sexually dominated and controlled by handsome, caring, and capable men who operate secretly on the fringes of acceptable society. The Fifty Shades series has sold more than 100 million copies for a reason.
If she’s with you, it’s because she wants more than just an orgasm. She wants a sexual connection. She wants to feel sexually desired. And she wants you to have a great time so you’ll call her again. And often, the best way for you to give her all that is to just enjoy the hell out of her, without worrying too much about whether she comes.
PRACTICE PERSPECTIVE-TAKING
Takeaways
Mating success requires cross-sex insight—specifically, the willingness and ability to understand how women perceive the world around them and how they evaluate your qualities.
CHAPTER 3: CLARIFY YOUR MATING GOALS AND ETHICS
O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet. —St. Augustine
Simply put, a mating goal is nothing more than the relationship you hope results from your mating efforts.
A relationship is a consensual mating interaction between two parties that, ideally, is win-win for both of them.
SHORT-TERM RELATIONSHIPS
If somehow you managed to avoid AIDS, don’t worry, you almost certainly caught the worst STD of all: a baby.
Variety is the spice of life, and short-term relationships let you get as spicy as you please.
You have to practice your courtship and dating skills.
If you’re not the best-looking guy at the bar or the party, your skills will be what distinguish you from all the other decent looking guys there who want the same thing as you from the woman you are talking to. Cultivating your courtship skills also makes you a better potential mate for the medium term and long term when that time comes.
