Designer Relationships: A Guide to Happy Monogamy, Positive Polyamory, and Optimistic Open Relationships

by Mark A. Michaels

I practice relationship anarchy—where each relationship has the ability to grow organically into whatever the best arrangement for it is, without being hampered by artificial definitions or constraints. Thus, for me the line between friendship, romance, chosen family, etc. is very fluid. This works for me because it means that I can have a wide social net that can grow and shrink with the level of energy that I have available at any given period of my life and the people in my life don’t feel stifled by the need to fit into some kind of definitional structure. What matters is that we care about each other and will provide what we can for each other, and we can set boundaries ourselves. I love that I can give the energy to people in my life that is proportional to what I have available and those in my life don’t feel slighted if there’s less at any given period of time. We know that we care about each other, and that’s what matters. It is freeing to be able to renegotiate things as life moves along. And in general, it’s wonderful to know that I have SO many people in my life who think highly of me—this isn’t limited to what’s traditionally seen as romantic relationships; I have close friendships that are just as meaningful (or often more meaningful) than romantic ones, and the relationship structure I have can ascribe that importance to them without constraint.

Displaying profound interest is an ongoing process that requires some effort. The first step is to cultivate the ability to pay attention. As any experienced meditator knows, the capacity for sustained attention will fluctuate. Similarly, your capacity to be profoundly interested in your partner or partners will vary from time to time and situation to situation. It would be impossible, and undesirable, to be profoundly interested all the time and during every interaction. As with meditation, the fluctuations are to be expected; the value lies in making the effort and communicating your interest as best you can.

It is well known that smell is important to sexual attraction. Subtle changes in scent can indicate changes in emotional state.

We also strongly encourage you to use a mirror and eye-gaze as a solo practice. People seldom look at themselves with love and reverence, and doing so can build self-esteem and confidence. You are treating yourself as you own beloved when you do this, and whether you’re partnered or not, this is something that can be life-changing.

Some people can face serious consequences in their everyday lives should their private actions be made public, so don’t kiss and tell.

Remember to treat your relationships as creative processes. Discover the loving style that is right for you. This is something that doesn’t depend on finding the perfect partner; instead it means meeting your partners where they are.