The Collapse of Parenting: How We Hurt Our Kids When We Treat Them Like Grown-Ups

by Leonard Sax

The same girl who refused to talk with her mom at 13 years of age is now texting her mom 5 times a day at age 22, asking for basic guidance about adolescent concerns. The acorn, having broken open too early, does not have the strength to become a tree.

Failure comes to us all. The willingness to fail, and then to move on with no loss of enthusiasm, is a mark of character.16 The opposite of fragility, as we have discussed fragility in this chapter, is the willingness to fail.

Which of the following, measured when a child is 11 years of age, is the best predictor of happiness and overall life satisfaction roughly 20 years later, when

that child has become a 31- or 32-year-old adult? A. IQ B. Grade point average C. Self-control D. Openness to new ideas E. Friendliness The correct answer is C, self-control.

You might reasonably wonder whether any of the Big Five traits could predict happiness and wealth and life satisfaction. Only one does: Conscientiousness. Individuals who are more Conscientious earn and save more money, even after researchers adjust for

intelligence, race, ethnicity, and education. Individuals who are more Conscientious are also significantly happier than individuals who are less Conscientious, and they are substantially more satisfied with their lives.3 Other studies have shown that Conscientiousness predicts better health and longer life.4 People who are more Conscientious are less likely to become obese.5

In some ways, this is not a new insight. Nearly 300 years ago, in 1735, Benjamin Franklin wrote, “Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy,

wealthy, and wise.” Going to bed early, deliberately abstaining from the temptations of the night, and getting up early, resisting the temptation to sleep in late, are good measures of self-control, and self-control is the characteristic most emblematic of Conscientiousness.

In short, many parents have come to assume that good grades and test scores are the best measures of achievement and the most reliable key to future happiness. But they are mistaken. If you want your child to be healthy and wealthy and wise, then your first priority should not be measures of cognitive achievement, such as high grades or test

scores, but measures of Conscientiousness, such as honesty, integrity, and self-control.

These researchers concluded, “Childhood self-control strongly predicts adult success, in people of high or low intelligence, in rich or poor, and does so throughout the entire population, with a step change in health, wealth, and social success at every level of self-control.”15

Parents who explicitly announce, “Things Are Changing As Of Today,” then enforce the new rules and are not cowed when their child yells, “You are totally ruining my life—I hate you!” are surprised by how dramatic the

change is. Not in one day. Not in one week. But after six weeks of consistent enforcement of the rules, your child will be more pleasant, and more respectful of you and of other adults. And both of you will be enjoying life more.

There is one inescapable truth: you must teach by example.

To become a better parent, you must become a better person.

Each group took the same math quiz, which was easy. Most students earned a perfect score. In the first group, children were told, “You had a perfect score! You are so smart!” (identity). In the second group, students were told, “You earned a perfect score! You must have tried really hard!” (behavior). Then children in both groups took a more difficult math quiz. The students in the first group, who had been praised as smart, did badly on the harder quiz: they gave up too easily. But the students in the second group, who had been praised for trying hard, did better: they kept working on the harder problems until they succeeded in solving them.

When it comes to teaching virtue, identity seems to work better than behavior. You are a very kind person works better than That was a very kind thing you did.

Words make a difference. Saying, “Don’t be a cheater” (identity), is a more effective instruction than saying, “Don’t cheat” (behavior).23

Bill Phillips didn’t preach to his son about Conscientiousness and the virtues of hard work. He didn’t say anything. He just signed his son up for a tough summer job. Andrew learned the lesson well. At the time, though, Andrew wasn’t happy. “I did feel a little resentful. Other guys were having all kinds of fun adventures or camping trips, and there I was on this dumb boat

cleaning fish guts off the deck. But now I understand why my dad made me do it. To give me a taste of the real world. To show me something about how other people live.”

You don’t teach virtue by preaching virtue. You teach virtue by requiring virtuous behavior, so that virtuous behavior becomes a habit.

Behaving virtuously leads people to become more virtuous, as a rule.

There is a 2,000-year tradition along the same lines with regard to virtue. If you compel children to act more virtuously, they actually become more virtuous. In the biblical book of Proverbs, which scholars tell us was written more than 2,500 years ago, we read, “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.”29 In other words, if you compel a child to behave virtuously, then when he is an adult he will continue to behave virtuously.

Train up children in the way they should go, and when they grow up and move away from home, you will have improved the odds.

In the Nicomachean Ethics, Aristotle wrote that a person becomes virtuous by doing virtuous acts. Behavior becomes identity.

The historian Will Durant, commenting on Aristotle, observed, “We are what we

repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an ac...

You teach virtue by requiring children to behave virtuously. In other words, you ask them to pretend that they are virtuous before they really are. As psychologist Adam Grant observes, “People often believe that character causes action, but when it comes to producing moral children, we need to remember that action also shapes character.”34

In the mid-20th century, the British writer C. S. Lewis put the same idea this way: “The pretence leads up to the real thing. When you are not feeling particularly friendly but know you ought to be, the best thing you can do, very often, is put on a friendly manner and behave as if you were a nicer person than you actually are. And in a few minutes, as we have all noticed, you will be really feeling friendlier than you were. Very often the only way to get a quality in reality is to start behaving as if you had it already.”35

Self-control is not innate. Honesty is not innate. These virtues have to be taught. If you don’t teach them, who will? You can’t rely on schools to do this job. Not in the United States. Not in this era.

Think carefully about the virtues you want your children to possess, and teach them diligently. Inscribe them on your children. That means, among other things, that you yourself must demonstrate the virtues you want your child to develop. Teach your child self-control and restraint, which is no easy task in a culture where billboards scream “Live for Now.” The stakes are the highest imaginable: the health and happiness of your child. This matters.

Researchers who have analyzed these data have found that the children of authoritative parents do better in school, are less likely to get drunk, and are less likely to

engage in unsafe sexual practices—not only in their early teenage years but also in their 20s, compared to the children of parents who are less authoritative.2 They go on to have healthier, happier romantic relationships in young adulthood.3 As adults they have healthier babies, even after adjusting for demographic variables such as race, ethnicity, and household income.4

Many parents today perceive a tension between “strict” and “loving.” They think you can be either strict or loving but not both. Baumrind’s research proves that notion to be wrong.

Suppose you are hiring a new employee, and you have to choose between Sonya and Vanessa. Sonya’s previous

employers tell you that she always shows up for work on time, never cheats or steals, never uses company time for personal chores. Vanessa’s previous employers tell you that Vanessa often shows up an hour or two late for work, she has stolen office property and then lied about it, and she often visits Instagram on a company computer when she is supposed to be working. Would you say, “I’m sure Vanessa has gotten rid of all her bad impulses, so now is the time to hire her”? Would you say, “I won’t hire Sonya because she is so repressed, odds are good that she is going to ‘rebound’ sometime soon”? No you wouldn’t.

I recently was a guest on the TODAY Show alongside Dr. Meg Meeker, author of Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters and Strong Mothers, Strong Sons.

if your child is going over to a friend’s house, call the parents ahead of time and ask whether the kids will be permitted to play violent video games there. If the other parents allow those games to be played, then you should not allow your child to go to that friend’s house. That child can be invited to your house instead, where you are in charge.

Assumption #1: It’s important for my child to be popular. False. Being popular in the United States in the 21st century often entails unhealthy behavior and attitudes, beginning with a disregard for parental authority.

Helping your child to become kind, well behaved, and self-controlled is important. Your child being popular with lots of same-age peers is not.

Assumption #2: It’s unrealistic for me to hold my child responsible for behavior outside my home. Also false.

Integrity is one of the traits linked to Conscientiousness. “Just Right” parents do not hesitate to call or even occasionally to drop in without warning at their kids’ friends’ homes to check on what their kids are doing. That’s one way to teach Integrity.

Next misconception: I want my child to be independent. So when she talks back to me or is disrespectful, I try to see that in a positive light, as a sign that she is becoming more independent. And I support that. It is never acceptable for your child to be disrespectful to you.

Ask your kids to name their favorite movie among those they have seen recently and to explain why it’s their favorite. Describe how and why your opinion differs. Show them that two people can disagree about preferences for one movie over another or about their taste in food without disrespecting or disliking one another.

For teens, you might choose a controversial topic from the news. Ask your teen to express an opinion about nuclear power versus conventional power versus solar or wind power. Or ask your teen a question about the Palestinian-Israeli conflict. Listen carefully and respectfully to your child’s position. Then

state how your opinion differs and why you don’t agree with your child’s position. For purposes of this exercise, stay away from personal topics such as whether your child should be allowed to stay up late playing video games or surfing the Internet. The point of the exercise is to develop the...

“If I love my child, then that means I also trust my child, right? If she says she didn’t cheat on the test, and if I love her, then I have to trust her, right? You can’t have love without trust.” Short answer to mom’s question: the rules of love between parent and child are different from the rules between adults. Maybe it’s true that love between adults requires blind trust. It’s certainly not true of a parent’s love for a child.

A generation ago, there was an alliance between parents and the school. If a teacher, or the principal, notified the parents that their child had been caught cheating, the parents would likely impose penalties at home to reinforce the school’s discipline. In the United States, that alliance is broken. Today, when a student is caught cheating and the school seeks to impose some semblance of discipline, the parents often act as adversaries, challenging the school’s authority.

Don’t say, “My daughter would never lie to me.” In more than 20 years of clinical practice, I have found that whenever a parent says, “My child would never lie to me,” you can be fairly sure that child is doing just that: lying to the parent.

One final misconception: I’m worried that if I follow your advice, my child won’t love me anymore.