Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships (Nonviolent Communication Guides)

by Marshall B. Rosenberg

In his vision of a new value system, conflicts are resolved without the usual frustrating compromises. Instead, the contending parties approach each other with respect. They ask about each other’s needs, and in an atmosphere free of passions and prejudices, they reach a connection. Gazing on a world rife with war and violence, where us-versus-them thinking is the norm, and where countries can break all bonds of civilized existence to commit unbearable atrocities, a new value system seems far away.

If you want to use force to protect your family, guard yourself from attack, fight against wrongdoing, prevent crime, and engage in a so-called “good war,” you have been co-opted by the siren song of violence. If you decide to opt out, there’s a sizable chance that society will turn on you and exact retribution. In short, finding a way out isn’t easy.

In India there’s an ancient model for nonviolent living known as Ahimsa, which is central to the nonviolent life. Ahimsa is usually defined as nonviolence, although its meaning extends from Mahatma Gandhi’s peaceful protests to Albert Schweitzer’s reverence for life. “Do no harm” would be the first axiom of Ahimsa. What so impressed me about Marshall Rosenberg, who passed away at eighty, just six weeks before I write this, is that he grasped both levels of Ahimsa, action and consciousness.

To be in Ahimsa consciousness is much more powerful, and Marshall possessed that trait. In any conflict, he didn’t choose sides or even care primarily what their stories were. Recognizing that all stories lead to conflict, either overtly or covertly, he focused on connections as a psychological bridge. This is in keeping with another axiom of Ahimsa: It’s not what you do that counts, it’s the quality of your attention.

In both cases, the point isn’t to change your actions but to change your consciousness. To do that, you must walk a path from A to B, where A is a life based on the incessant demands of the ego and B is selfless awareness. To be frank, nobody really desires selfless awareness; from the viewpoint of looking out for number one, it sounds at once scary and impossible. What’s the payoff if you depose the ego, which is all about payoffs? Once the ego is gone, do you sit around passively like a spiritual beanbag? The answer lies in those moments when the personal self falls away naturally and spontaneously. These occur in moments of meditation or simply deep contentment. Selfless awareness is the state we’re in when Nature or art or music creates a sense of wonder. The only difference between those moments—to which we can add all experiences of creativity, love, and play—and Ahimsa is that they flicker in and out while Ahimsa is a settled state.

For me, the legacy of Marshall’s lifelong work doesn’t lie in how he revolutionized the role of the mediator, valuable as that was. It lies in the new value system he lived by, which in truth is quite ancient. Ahimsa has to be revived in every generation, because human nature is torn between peace and violence. Marshall Rosenberg gave proof that entering this state of expanded awareness was real and, when it came to settling disputes, very practical.

—Deepak Chopra

Words are windows, or they’re walls, They sentence us, or set us free. When I speak and when I hear, Let the love light shine through me. There are things I need to say, Things that mean so much to me, If my words don’t make me clear, Will you help me to be free? If I seemed to put you down, If you felt I didn’t care, Try to listen through my words, To the feelings that we share. —Ruth Bebermeyer

What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a mutual giving from the heart. —Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD

NVC: a way of communicating that leads us to give from the heart.

NVC guides us in reframing how we express ourselves and hear others. Instead of habitual, automatic reactions, our words become conscious responses based firmly on awareness of what we are perceiving, feeling, and wanting. We are led to express ourselves with honesty and clarity, while simultaneously paying others a respectful and empathic attention.

When we focus on clarifying what is being observed, felt, and needed rather than on diagnosing and judging, we discover the depth of our own compassion. Through its emphasis on deep listening—to ourselves as well as to others—NVC fosters respect, attentiveness, and empathy and engenders a mutual desire to give from the heart.

First, we observe what is actually happening in a situation: what are we observing others saying or doing that is either enriching or not enriching our life? The trick is to be able to articulate this observation without introducing any judgment or evaluation—to simply say what people are doing that we either like or don’t like. Next, we state how we feel when we observe this action: are we hurt, scared, joyful, amused, irritated? And thirdly, we say what needs of ours are connected to the feelings we have identified. An awareness of these three components is present when we use NVC to clearly and honestly express how we are.

Four components of NVC: 1. observations 2. feelings 3. needs 4. requests

For example, a mother might express these three pieces to her teenage son by saying, “Felix, when I see two balls of soiled socks under the coffee table and another three next to the TV, I feel irritated because I am needing more order in the rooms that we share in common.” She would follow immediately with the fourth component—a very specific request: “Would you be willing to put your socks in your room or in the washing machine?” This fourth component addresses what we are wanting from the other person that would enrich our lives or make life more wonderful for us.

Thus, part of NVC is to express these four pieces of information very clearly, whether verbally or by other means. The other part of this communication consists of receiving the same four pieces of information from others. We connect with them by first sensing what they are observing, feeling, and needing; then we ...

As we keep our attention focused on the areas mentioned, and help others do likewise, we establish a flow of communication, back and forth, until compassion manifests naturally: what I am observing, feeling, and needing; what I am requesting to enrich my life; what you are obse...

We can replace language that implies lack of choice with language that acknowledges choice.

We are dangerous when we are not conscious of our responsibility for how we behave, think, and feel.

Communicating our desires as demands is yet another form of language that blocks compassion.

When we are in contact with our feelings and needs, we humans no longer make good slaves and underlings.

The first component of NVC is to observe without evaluating; the second component is to express how we are feeling. Psychoanalyst Rollo May suggests that “the mature person becomes able to differentiate feelings into as many nuances, strong and passionate experiences, or delicate and sensitive ones as in the different passages of music in a symphony.”

it is not necessary to use the word feel at all when we are actually expressing a feeling: we can say, “I’m feeling irritated,” or simply, “I’m irritated.”

Taking Responsibility for Our Feelings People are disturbed not by things, but by the view they take of them. —Epictetus

Here were people who had come together to build trust and harmony, but after only one interchange, matters were worse than before they began. This happens often when people are used to analyzing and blaming one another rather than clearly expressing what they need. In this case, the woman could have responded to the mukhtar in terms of her own needs and requests by saying, for example, “I am needing more respect in our dialogue. Instead of telling us how you think we are acting, would you tell us what it is we are doing that you find disturbing?”

The following are some of the basic human needs we all share: Autonomy to choose one’s dreams, goals, values to choose one’s plan for fulfilling one’s dreams, goals, values Celebration to celebrate the creation of life and dreams fulfilled to celebrate losses: loved ones, dreams, etc. (mourning) Integrity authenticity creativity meaning self-worth

Interdependence acceptance appreciation closeness community consideration contribution to the enrichment of life (to exercise one’s power by giving that which contributes to life) emotional safety empathy honesty (the empowering honesty that enables us to learn from our limitations) love reassurance respect support trust understanding warmth Play fun laughter Spiritual Communion beauty harmony inspiration order peace Physical Nurturance air food movement, exercise protection from life-threatening forms of life: viruses, bacteria, insects, predatory animals rest sexual expression shelter touch water

Stage 3: At the third stage, emotional liberation, we respond to the needs of others out of compassion, never out of fear, guilt, or shame. Our actions are therefore fulfilling to us, as well as to those who receive our efforts. We accept full responsibility for our own intentions and actions, but not for the feelings of others. At this stage, we are aware that we can never meet our own needs at the expense of others. Emotional liberation involves stating clearly what we need in a way that communicates we are equally concerned that the needs of others be fulfilled. NVC is designed to support us in relating at this level.

Making Requests of a Group It is especially important when we are addressing a group to be clear about the kind of understanding or honesty we want back after we’ve expressed ourselves. When we are not clear about the response we’d like, we may initiate unproductive conversations that end up satisfying no one’s needs.

When we address a group without being clear what we are wanting back, unproductive discussions will often follow. However, if even one member of a group is conscious of the importance of clearly requesting the response that is desired, he or she can extend this consciousness to the group.

We demonstrate that we are making a request rather than a demand by how we respond when others don’t comply. If we are prepared to show an empathic understanding of what prevents someone from doing as we asked, then by my definition, we have made a request, not a demand. Choosing to request rather than demand does not mean we give up when someone says no to our request. It does mean that we don’t engage in persuasion until we have empathized with what’s preventing the other person from saying yes.

The objective of NVC is to establish a relationship based on honesty and empathy. When others trust that our primary commitment is to the quality of the relationship, and that we expect this process to fulfill everyone’s needs, then they can trust that our requests are true requests and not camouflaged demands.

If I clearly understand you intend no demand, I’ll usually respond when you call. But if you come across like a high and mighty boss, you’ll feel like you ran into a wall. And when you remind me so piously about all those things you’ve done for me, you’d better get ready: Here comes another bout! Then you can shout, you can spit, moan, groan, and throw a fit; I still won’t take the garbage out. Now even if you should change your style, It’s going to take me a little while before I can forgive and forget. Because it seems to me that you didn’t see me as human too until all your standards were met. —“Song from Brett” by Marshall B. Rosenberg

Empathy with others occurs only when we have successfully shed all preconceived ideas and judgments about them.

“In spite of all similarities, every living situation has, like a newborn child, a new face, that has never been before and will never come again. It demands of you a reaction that cannot be prepared beforehand. It demands nothing of what is past. It demands presence, responsibility; it demands you.” The presence that empathy requires is not easy to maintain. “The capacity to give one’s attention to a sufferer is a very rare and difficult thing; it is almost a miracle; it is a miracle,”

“Nearly all those who think they have the capacity do not possess it.”

Empathy, on the other hand, requires us to focus full attention on the other person’s message. We give to others the time and space they need to express themselves fully and to feel understood. There is a Buddhist saying that aptly describes this ability: “Don’t just do something, stand there.”

Our ability to offer empathy can allow us to stay vulnerable, defuse potential violence, hear the word no without taking it as a rejection, revive a lifeless conversation, and even hear the feelings and needs expressed through silence. Time and again, people transcend the paralyzing effects of psychological pain when they have sufficient contact with someone who can hear them empathically.

Immediately I saw that it was to take better care of myself: to have given more attention to my own needs while I was rushing to address everyone else’s needs. As soon as I touched that part of myself and connected to the deep longing to be more aware and caring of my own needs, my feelings shifted. There was a release of tension in my body as the anger, shame, and guilt I was harboring toward myself dissipated. I fully mourned the ruined suit and uncapped pen as I opened to feelings of sadness arising along with the yearning to take better care of myself.

Next I shifted my attention to the need I was meeting when I slipped the uncapped pen into my pocket. I recognized how much I valued care and consideration for other people’s needs. Of course, in taking such good care of other people’s needs, I had not taken the time to do the same for myself.

In that compassionate place, I am able to hold both needs: in one hand, to respond in a caring way to others’ needs, and in the other, to be aware of and take better care of my own needs. On becoming conscious of both needs, I can imagine ways of behaving differently in similar situations and arriving at solutions more resourcefully than if I lose that consciousness in a sea of self-judgment.

an important form of self-compassion is to make choices motivated purely by our desire to contribute to life rather than out of fear, guilt, shame, duty, or obligation. When we are conscious of the life-enriching purpose behind an action we take, when the sole energy that motivates us is simply to make life wonderful for others and ourselves, then even hard work has an element of play in it. Correspondingly, an otherwise joyful activity performed out of obligation, duty, fear, guilt, or shame will lose its joy and eventually engender resistance.

Translating “Have to” to “Choose to”

The first item on my list was “write clinical reports.” I hated writing these reports, yet I was spending at least an hour of agony over them every day. My second item was “drive the children’s car pool to school.”

After completing your list, clearly acknowledge to yourself that you are doing these things because you choose to do them, not because you have to. Insert the words “I choose to … ” in front of each item you listed.

Finally I realized that I was choosing to write the reports solely because I wanted the income they provided. As soon as I recognized this, I never wrote another clinical report. I can’t tell you how joyful I feel just thinking of how many clinical reports I haven’t written since that moment thirty-five years ago! When I realized that money was my primary motivation, I immediately saw that I could find other ways to take care of myself financially, and that in fact, I’d rather scavenge in garbage cans for food than write another clinical report.

Of course I sometimes needed to remind myself two or three times during the drive to refocus my mind on what purpose my action was serving.

Choices prompted by a desire for reward are costly: they deprive us of the joy in life that comes with actions grounded in the clear intention to contribute to a human need. Money is not a “need” as we define it in NVC; it is one of countless strategies that may be selected to address a need.

shine the light of consciousness on our own feelings and needs.

if someone arrives late for an appointment and we need reassurance that she cares about us, we may feel hurt. If, instead, our need is to spend time purposefully and constructively, we may feel frustrated. But if our need is for thirty minutes of quiet solitude, we may be grateful for her tardiness and feel pleased. Thus, it is not the behavior of the other person but our own need that causes our feeling. When we are connected to our need, whether it is for reassurance, purposefulness, or solitude, we are in touch with our life energy. We may have strong feelings, but we are never angry.