Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships (Nonviolent Communication Guides)

by Marshall B. Rosenberg

Anger is a result of life-alienating thinking that is disconnected from needs. It indicates that we have moved up to our head to analyze and judge somebody rather than focus on which of our needs are not getting met.

the choice is ours at any moment to shine the light of consciousness on the other person’s feelings and needs. When we choose this fourth option, we also never feel anger. We are not repressing the anger; we see how anger is simply absent in each moment that we are fully present with the other person’s feelings and needs.

I see all anger as a result of life-alienating, violence-provoking thinking. At the core of all anger is a need that is not being fulfilled. Thus anger can be valuable if we use it as an alarm clock to wake us up—to realize we have a need that isn’t being met and that we are thinking in a way that makes it unlikely to be met. To fully express anger requires full consciousness of our need. In addition, energy is required to get the need met.

Anger, however, co-opts our energy by directing it toward punishing people rather than meeting our needs. Instead of engaging in “righteous indignation,” I recommend connecting empathically with our own needs or those of others. This may take extensive practice, whereby over and over again, we consciously replace the phrase “I am angry because they … ” with “I am angry because I am needing … ”

Anger co-opts our energy by diverting it toward punitive actions.

When we become aware of our needs, anger gives way to life-serving feelings.

Violence comes from the belief that other people cause our pain and therefore deserve punishment.

We recall four options when hearing a difficult message: 1. Blame ourselves 2. Blame others 3. Sense our own feelings and needs 4. Sense others’ feelings and needs

I tried to hear his feeling: he was scared, and his need was to protect himself from being punished. By empathizing with him, I had a chance of making an emotional connection out of which we could both get our needs met. However, if I had approached him with the view that he was lying—even if I hadn’t expressed it out loud—he would have been less likely to feel safe expressing truthfully what had happened. I would have then become part of the process: by the very act of judging another person as a liar, I would contribute to a self-fulfilling prophecy. Why would people want to tell the truth, knowing they will be judged and punished for doing so?

If we want to protect the environment, and we go to a corporate executive with the attitude, “You know, you are really a killer of the planet, you have no right to abuse the land in this way,” we have severely impaired our chances of getting our needs met. It is a rare human being who can maintain focus on our needs when we are expressing them through images of their wrongness. Of course, we may be successful in using such judgments to intimidate people into meeting our needs. If they feel so frightened, guilty, or ashamed that they change their behavior, we may come to believe that it is possible to “win” by telling people what’s wrong with them. With a broader perspective, however, we realize that each time our needs are met in this way, we not only lose, but we have contributed very tangibly to violence on the planet. We may have solved an immediate problem, but we will have created another one. The more people hear blame and judgment, the more defensive and aggressive they become and the less they will care about our needs in the future.

Let’s look at what the process of fully expressing our anger actually requires in concrete form. The first step is to stop and do nothing except to breathe. We refrain from making any move to blame or punish the other person. We simply stay quiet. Then we identify the thoughts that are making us angry.

Steps to expressing anger: 1. Stop. Breathe. 2. Identify our judgmental thoughts. 3. Connect with our needs. 4. Express our feelings and unmet needs.

To fully express our anger, we may say to the other person, “When you entered the room and started talking to the others and didn’t say anything to me, and then made the comment about white people, I felt really sick to my stomach, and got so scared; it triggered off all kinds of needs on my part to be treated equally. I’d like you to tell me how you feel when I tell you this.”

To practice NVC, we need to proceed slowly, think carefully before we speak, and often just take a deep breath and not speak at all. Learning the process and applying it both take time.

The four steps to expressing anger are (1) stop and breathe, (2) identify our judgmental thoughts, (3) connect with our needs, and (4) express our feelings and unmet needs. Sometimes, in between steps 3 and 4, we may choose to empathize with the other person so that he or she will be better able to hear us when we express ourselves in step 4.

In order not to confuse needs and strategies, it is important to recall that needs contain no reference to anybody taking any particular action. On the other hand, strategies, which may appear in the form of requests, desires, wants, and “solutions,” refer to specific actions that specific people may take.

So this is our work: learning to recognize the need in statements that don’t overtly express any need. It takes practice, and it always involves some guessing. Once we sense what the other person needs, we can check in with them, and then help them put their need into words. If we are able to truly hear their need, a new level of connection is forged—a critical piece that moves the conflict toward successful resolution.

When entering a conflict process as mediator, a good place to start might be to assure the people in conflict that we are not there to take sides, but to support them in hearing each other, and to help guide them to a solution that meets everyone’s needs.

the objective is not to get the other person to do what we want them to do.

The mediator’s role is to create an environment in which the parties can connect, express their needs, understand each other’s needs, and arrive at strategies to meet those needs.

When we are mediating, we have to “keep score” by paying careful attention to what has been said, making sure both parties have the opportunity to express their needs, listen to the other person’s needs, and make requests. We also need to “follow the bouncing ball”: being conscious of where one party left off so we can return to what that party said after the other party has been heard. This can be challenging, especially when things get heated.

Taking the time to note those needs in a way that is visible to everyone present can help the listener feel comfortable that their own needs will also be addressed. In this way, everyone can more easily offer their full attention to what is being expressed in the current moment.

Another important quality to bring to mediation is awareness of the moment: who needs what right now? What are their present requests? Maintaining this awareness requires a lot of practice in being present in the moment, which is something most of us have never been taught to do. As we move through the mediation process, it is likely that we will hear a lot of discussion about what happened in the past and what people want to happen differently in the future. However, conflict resolution can only happen right now, so now is where we need to focus.

To keep things moving, the mediator needs to ask effective questions, and when necessary, maintain or even speed up the pace.

It’s important to remember that the purpose of interrupting and grabbing people’s attention back in this way is to restore the process of making observations, identifying and expressing feelings, connecting feelings with needs, and making doable requests using clear, concrete, positive action language.

punishment is costly in terms of goodwill. The more we are seen as agents of punishment, the harder it is for others to respond compassionately to our needs.

In situations where there is no opportunity for communication, such as in instances of imminent danger, we may need to resort to the protective use of force. The intention behind the protective use of force is to prevent injury or injustice, never to punish or to cause individuals to suffer, repent, or change. The punitive use of force tends to generate hostility and to reinforce resistance to the very behavior we are seeking. Punishment damages goodwill and self-esteem, and shifts our attention from the intrinsic value of an action to external consequences. Blaming and punishing fail to contribute to the motivations we would like to inspire in others.

The masses, discouraged from developing awareness of their own needs, have instead been educated to be docile and subservient to authority. Our culture implies that needs are negative and destructive; the word needy applied to a person suggests inadequacy or immaturity.

In his book The Revolution in Psychiatry, Ernest Becker attributes depression to “cognitively arrested alternatives.” This means that when we have a judgmental dialogue going on within, we become alienated from what we are needing and cannot then act to meet those needs. Depression is indicative of a state of alienation from our own needs.

restate its message in the following form: “When a, I feel b, because I am needing c. Therefore I now would like d.”

The ability to hear our own feelings and needs and empathize with them can free us from depression.

What I understood, when I empathized with the headache, was that I hadn’t given myself enough attention the day before, and the headache was a way to say to myself, ‘I need more attention.’ I ended up giving myself the attention I needed and was then able to make it through the workshop.

Once they sense the manipulation behind the appreciation, their productivity drops. What is most disturbing for me, however, is that the beauty of appreciation is spoiled when people begin to notice the lurking intent to get something out of them.

Express appreciation to celebrate, not to manipulate.

NVC clearly distinguishes three components in the expression of appreciation: the actions that have contributed to our well-being the particular needs of ours that have been fulfilled the pleasureful feelings engendered by the fulfillment of those needs

The Four-Part Nonviolent Communication Process

Clearly expressing how I am without blaming or criticizing

Empathically receiving how you are without hearing blame or criticism

What I observe (see, hear, remember, imagine, free from my evaluations) that does or does not contribute to my well-being: “When I (see, hear) …”

1. What you observe (see, hear, remember, imagine, free from your evaluations) that does or does not contribute to your well-being: “When you see/hear …” (Sometimes unspoken when offering empathy)

Clearly requesting that which would enrich my life without demanding

Empathically receiving that which would enrich your life without hearing any demand

The concrete actions I would like taken: “Would you be willing to …?”

The concrete actions you would like taken: “Would you like …?” (Sometimes unspoken when offering empathy)

Feelings when needs are fulfilled Amazed Comfortable Confident Eager Energetic Fulfilled Glad Hopeful Inspired Intrigued Joyous Moved Optimistic Proud Relieved Stimulated Surprised Thankful Touched Trustful

Feelings when needs are not fulfilled Angry Annoyed Concerned Confused Disappointed Discouraged Distressed Embarrassed Frustrated Helpless Hopeless Impatient Irritated Lonely Nervous Overwhelmed Puzzled Reluctant Sad Uncomfortable

Some Basic Needs We All Have

Autonomy Choosing dreams/goals/values Choosing plans for fulfilling one’s dreams, goals, values

Celebration Celebrating the creation of life and dreams fulfilled Celebrating losses: loved o...

Integrity Authenticity Creativity Mean...