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October 24 - November 27, 2023
What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a mutual giving from the heart. —Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD
Believing that it is our nature to enjoy giving and receiving in a compassionate manner, I have been preoccupied most of my life with two questions: What happens to disconnect us from our compassionate nature, leading us to behave violently and exploitatively? And conversely, what allows some people to stay connected to their compassionate nature under even the most trying circumstances?
I am not easily frightened. Not because I am brave but because I know that I am dealing with human beings, and that I must try as hard as I can to understand everything that anyone ever does. And that was the real import of this morning: not that a disgruntled young Gestapo officer yelled at me, but that I felt no indignation, rather a real compassion, and would have liked to ask, ‘Did you have a very unhappy childhood, has your girlfriend let you down?’ Yes, he looked harassed and driven, sullen and weak. I should have liked to start treating him there and then, for I know that pitiful young
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I call this approach Nonviolent Communication, using the term nonviolence as Gandhi used it—to refer to our natural state of compassion when violence has subsided from the heart.
The intent is to remind us about what we already know—about how we humans were meant to relate to one another—and to assist us in living in a way that concretely manifests this knowledge.
We are led to express ourselves with honesty and clarity, while simultaneously paying others a respectful and empathic attention.
Four components of NVC: 1. observations 2. feelings 3. needs 4. requests
Two parts of NVC: 1. expressing honestly through the four components 2. receiving empathically through the four components
I didn’t agree or disagree. I received his words, not as attacks, but as gifts from a fellow human willing to share his soul and deep vulnerabilities with me.
Analyses of others are actually expressions of our own needs and values.
For example, instead of “Violence is bad,” we might say instead, “I am fearful of the use of violence to resolve conflicts; I value the resolution of human conflicts through other means.”
Classifying and judging people promotes violence.
Our language obscures awareness of personal responsibility.
In her book Eichmann in Jerusalem, which documents the war crimes trial of Nazi officer Adolf Eichmann, Hannah Arendt quotes Eichmann saying that he and his fellow officers had their own name for the responsibility-denying language they used. They called it Amtssprache, loosely translated into English as “office talk” or “bureaucratese.” For example, if asked why they took a certain action, the response would be, “I had to.” If asked why they “had to,” the answer would be, “Superiors’ orders.” “Company policy.” “It was the law.”
We deny responsibility for our actions when we attribute their cause to fac...
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We can replace language that implies lack of choice with language that acknowledges choice.
We are dangerous when we are not conscious of our responsibility for how we behave, think, and feel.
Think of soldiers justifying horrific acts because the superiors told them
Communicating our desires as demands is yet another form of language that blocks compassion. A demand explicitly or implicitly threatens listeners with blame or punishment if they fail to comply.
Thinking based on “who deserves what” blocks compassionate communication.
While the effects of negative labels such as “lazy” and “stupid” may be more obvious, even a positive or an apparently neutral label such as “cook” limits our perception of the totality of another person’s being.
The first component of NVC is to observe without evaluating; the second component is to express how we are feeling.
Expressing our vulnerability can help resolve conflicts.
Distinguish between what we feel and what we think we are.
Distinguish between what we feel and how we think others react or behave toward us.
How we are likely to feel when our needs are being met
List of words below
How we are likely to feel when our needs are not being met
List of words below
What others do may be the stimulus of our feelings, but not the cause.
Connect your feeling with your need: “I feel … because I need …”
Distinguish between giving from the heart and being motivated by guilt.
Judgments, criticisms, diagnoses, and interpretations of others are all alienated expressions of our needs.
If we express our needs, we have a better chance of getting them met.
If we don’t value our needs, others may not either.
First stage: Emotional slavery. We see ourselves responsible for others’ feelings.
Second stage: The obnoxious stage. We feel angry; we no longer want to be responsible for others’ feelings.
Emotional liberation involves stating clearly what we need in a way that communicates we are equally concerned that the needs of others be fulfilled.
Third stage: Emotional liberation. We take responsibility for our intentions and actions.
Use positive language when making requests.
Do X instead of Don’t do Y
A cartoon depicts a man who has fallen into a lake. As he struggles to swim, he shouts to his dog on shore, “Lassie, get help!” In the next frame, the dog is lying on a psychiatrist’s couch.
Making requests in clear, positive, concrete action language reveals what we really want.
Vague language contributes to internal confusion.
When we simply express our feelings, it may not be clear to the listener what we want them to do.
We are often not conscious of what we are requesting.
Requests may sound like demands when unaccompanied by the speaker’s feelings and needs.
The clearer we are about what we want, the more likely it is that we’ll get it.
To make sure the message we sent is the message that’s received, ask the listener to reflect it back.
Express appreciation when your listener tries to meet your request for a reflection.
Empathize with the listener who doesn’t want to reflect back.
In a group, much time is wasted when speakers aren’t certain what response they’re wanting.
In India, when people have received the response they want in conversations they have initiated, they say “bas” (pronounced “bus”). This means, “You need not say more. I feel satisfied and am now ready to move on to something else.”
When the other person hears a demand from us, they see two options: to submit or to rebel.
