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October 24 - November 27, 2023
It’s a request if the speaker then shows empathy toward the other person’s needs.
The objective of NVC is to establish a relationship based on honesty and empathy. When others trust that our primary commitment is to the quality of the relationship, and that we expect this process to fulfill everyone’s needs, then they can trust that our requests are true requests and not camouflaged demands.
When we give people labels, we tend to act in a way that contributes to the very behavior that concerns us, which we then view as further confirmation of our diagnosis.
Believing we have to “fix” situations and make others feel better prevents us from being present.
Listen to what people are needing rather than what they are thinking.
When asking for information, first express our own feelings and needs.
Reflect back messages that are emotionally charged.
To convey that you are indeed listening
behind all those messages we’ve allowed ourselves to be intimidated by are just individuals with unmet needs appealing to us to contribute to their well-being.
Paraphrasing tends to save, rather than waste, time. Studies in labor-management negotiations demonstrate that the time required to reach conflict resolution is cut in half when each negotiator agrees, before responding, to accurately repeat what the previous speaker had said.
We know a speaker has received adequate empathy when (1) we sense a release of tension, or (2) the flow of words comes to a halt.
We need empathy to give empathy.
Empathy is a respectful understanding of what others are experiencing. We often have a strong urge to give advice or reassurance and to explain our own position or feeling. Empathy, however, calls upon us to empty our mind and listen to others with our whole being.
When we sense ourselves being defensive or unable to empathize, we need to (1) stop, breathe, give ourselves empathy; (2) scream nonviolently; or (3) take time out.
Even when we sometimes do “learn a lesson” from mistakes for which we judge ourselves harshly, I worry about the nature of the energy behind that kind of change and learning. I’d like change to be stimulated by a clear desire to enrich life for ourselves or for others rather than by destructive energies such as shame or guilt.
being. A basic premise of NVC is that whenever we imply that someone is wrong or bad, what we are really saying is that he or she is not acting in harmony with our needs.
Self-judgments, like all judgments, are tragic expressions of unmet needs.
For example, if we find ourselves reacting reproachfully to something we did (“Look, you just messed up again!”), we can quickly stop and ask ourselves, “What unmet need of mine is being expressed through this moralistic judgment?” When we do connect to the need—and there may be several layers of needs—we will notice a remarkable shift in our bodies. Instead of the shame, guilt, or depression we likely feel when criticizing ourselves for having “messed up again,” we will experience any number of other feelings. Whether it’s sadness, frustration, disappointment, fear, grief, or some other
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“When I behaved in the way which I now regret, what need of mine was I trying to meet?”
With every choice you make, be conscious of what need it serves.
Be conscious of actions motivated by the desire for money or approval, and by fear, shame, or guilt. Know the price you pay for them.
The most dangerous of all behaviors may consist of doing things “because we’re supposed to.”
the behavior of others may be a stimulus for our feelings, but not the cause.
All violence is the result of people tricking themselves, as did this young man, into believing that their pain derives from other people and that consequently those people deserve to be punished.
Why would people want to tell the truth, knowing they will be judged and punished for doing so?
Judgments of others contribute to self-fulfilling prophecies.
we may be successful in using such judgments to intimidate people into meeting our needs. If they feel so frightened, guilty, or ashamed that they change their behavior, we may come to believe that it is possible to “win” by telling people what’s wrong with them. With a broader perspective, however, we realize that each time our needs are met in this way, we not only lose, but we have contributed very tangibly to violence on the planet. We may have solved an immediate problem, but we will have created another one. The more people hear blame and judgment, the more defensive and aggressive they
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Steps to expressing anger: 1. Stop. Breathe. 2. Identify our judgmental thoughts. 3. Connect with our needs. 4. Express our feelings and unmet needs.
“When you entered the room and started talking to the others and didn’t say anything to me, and then made the comment about white people, I felt really sick to my stomach, and got so scared; it triggered off all kinds of needs on my part to be treated equally. I’d like you to tell me how you feel when I tell you this.”
Example of expressing anger using NVC
When we hear another person’s feelings and needs, we recognize our common humanity.
Avoid the use of language that implies wrongness.
In order not to confuse needs and strategies, it is important to recall that needs contain no reference to anybody taking any particular action. On the other hand, strategies, which may appear in the form of requests, desires, wants, and “solutions,” refer to specific actions that specific people may take.
Criticism and diagnosis get in the way of peaceful resolution of conflicts.
People often need empathy before they are able to hear what is being said.
Maintaining respect is a key element in successful conflict resolution.
emergency first-aid empathy. This might sound like “So you’re really annoyed, and you need some assurance that you’re going to get your side on the table?” Once the empathy has been expressed, I remind them that everyone will have the opportunity to be heard, and their turn will be next. It is then helpful to confirm they are in agreement with waiting by asking, for example, “Are you feeling reassured about that, or would you like more reassurance that your opportunity to be heard will come soon?” We may need to do this repeatedly to keep the mediation on track.
When we fear punishment, we focus on consequences, not on our own values. Fear of punishment diminishes self-esteem and goodwill.
NVC, however, fosters a level of moral development based on autonomy and interdependence, whereby we acknowledge responsibility for our own actions and are aware that our own well-being and that of others are one and the same.
Question 1: What do I want this person to do? Question 2: What do I want this person’s reasons to be for doing it?
taking an “NVC pill” in order to restate its message in the following form: “When a, I feel b, because I am needing c. Therefore I now would like d.” She subsequently translated “I should do something with my life. I’m wasting my education and talents” into: “When I spend as much time at home with the children as I do without practicing my profession, I feel depressed and discouraged because I am needing the fulfillment I once had in my profession. Therefore, I now would like to find part-time work in my profession.”
The ability to hear our own feelings and needs and empathize with them can free us from depression.
Defuse stress by hearing our own feelings and needs.
Defuse stress by empathizing with others.
“I’m confused. I’d like to see the connection between what I said and your response, but I don’t. Would you be willing to explain how your words relate to what I said?”
Compliments are often judgments—however positive-of others.
Express appreciation to celebrate, not to manipulate.
NVC clearly distinguishes three components in the expression of appreciation: the actions that have contributed to our well-being the particular needs of ours that have been fulfilled the pleasureful feelings engendered by the fulfillment of those needs
Saying “thank you” in NVC: “This is what you did; this is what I feel; this is the need of mine that was met.”
