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Distinguish between giving from the heart and being motivated by guilt.
Judgments, criticisms, diagnoses, and interpretations of others are all alienated expressions of our needs.
Judgments of others are alienated expressions of our own unmet needs.
When we express our needs indirectly through the use of evaluations, interpretations, and images, others are likely to hear criticism. And when people hear anything that sounds like criticism, they tend to invest their energy in self-defense or counterattack.
If we wish for a compassionate response from others, it is self-defeating to express our needs by interpretin...
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If we express our needs, we have a better chance of getting them met.
Unfortunately, most of us have never been taught to think in terms of needs. We are accustomed to thinking about what’s wrong with other people when our needs aren’t being fulfilled.
We are accustomed to thinking about what’s wrong with other people when our needs...
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In a world where we’re often judged harshly for identifying and revealing our needs, doing so can be very frightening. Women, in particular, are susceptible to criticism.
For centuries, the image of the loving woman has been associated with sacrifice and the denial of one’s own needs to take care of others. Because women are socialized to view the caretaking of others as their highest duty, they often learn to ignore their own needs.
These women, if they ask for what they want, will often do so in a way that both reflects and reinforces the beliefs that they have no genuine right to their needs and that their needs are unimportant. For example, because she is fearful of asking for what she needs, a woman may fail to simply say that she’s had a busy day, is feeling tired, and wants some time in the evening to herself;
If we don’t value our needs, others may not either.
Stage 1: In this stage, which I refer to as emotional slavery, we believe ourselves responsible for the feelings of others. We think we must constantly strive to keep everyone happy. If they don’t appear happy, we feel responsible and compelled to do something about it. This can easily lead us to see the very people who are closest to us as burdens.
Stage 2: In this stage, we become aware of the high costs of assuming responsibility for others’ feelings and trying to accommodate them at our own expense. When we notice how much of our lives we’ve missed and how little we have responded to the call of our own soul, we may get angry.
Stage 3: At the third stage, emotional liberation, we respond to the needs of others out of compassion, never out of fear, guilt, or shame. Our actions are therefore fulfilling to us, as well as to those who receive our efforts. We accept full responsibility for our own intentions and actions, but not for the feelings of others. At this stage, we are aware that we can never meet our own needs at the expense of others.
Emotional liberation involves stating clearly what we need in a way that communicates we are equally concerned that the needs of others be fulfilled.
When someone communicates negatively, we have four options as to how to receive the message: (1) blame ourselves, (2) blame others, (3) sense our own feelings and needs, (4) sense the feelings and needs hidden in the other person’s negative message.
In the course of developing emotional responsibility, most of us experience three stages: (1) “emotional slavery”—believing ourselves responsible for the feelings of others, (2) “the obnoxious stage”—in which we refuse to admit to caring what anyone else feels or needs, and (3) “emotional liberation”—in which we accept full responsibility for our own feelings but not the feelings of others, while being aware that we can never meet our own needs at the expense of others.
The fourth and final component of this process addresses what we would like to request of others in order to enrich life for us. When our needs are not being fulfilled, we follow the expression of what we are observing, feeling, and needing with a specific request: we ask for actions that might fulfill our needs.
Use positive language when making requests.
Making requests in clear, positive, concrete action language reveals what we really want.
Vague language contributes to internal confusion.
Depression is the reward we get for being “good.”
Very often, my clients were able to see how the lack of awareness of what they wanted from others had contributed significantly to their frustrations and depression.
When we simply express our feelings, it may not be clear to the listener what we want them to do.
Even more often, we are simply not conscious of what we are requesting when we speak. We talk to others or at them without knowing how to engage in a dialogue with them. We toss out words, using the presence of others as a wastebasket.
We are often not conscious of what we are requesting.
Requests may sound like demands when unaccompanied by the speaker’s feelings and needs.
The clearer we are about what we want, the more likely it is that we’ll get it.
To make sure the message we sent is the message that’s received, ask the listener to reflect it back.
Express appreciation when your listener tries to meet your request for a reflection.
Empathize with the listener who doesn’t want to reflect back.
In a group, much time is wasted when speakers aren’t certain what response they’re wanting.
When the other person hears a demand from us, they see two options: to submit or to rebel.
To tell if it’s a demand or a request, observe what the speaker does if the request is not complied with.
It’s a demand if the speaker then criticizes or judges.
It’s a demand if the speaker then lays a guilt trip.
It’s a request if the speaker then shows empathy toward the other person’s needs.
Expressing genuine requests also requires an awareness of our objective. If our objective is only to change people and their behavior or to get our way, then NVC is not an appropriate tool. The process is designed for those of us who would like others to change and respond, but only if they choose to do so willingly and compassionately.
Our objective is a relationship based on honesty and empathy.
The fourth component of NVC addresses the question of what we would like to request of each other to enrich each of our lives. We try to avoid vague, abstract, or ambiguous phrasing, and remember to use positive action language by stating what we are requesting rather than what we are not.
Empathy is a respectful understanding of what others are experiencing.
Empathy: emptying our mind and listening with our whole being
Empathy with others occurs only when we have successfully shed all preconceived ideas and judgments about them.
“The capacity to give one’s attention to a sufferer is a very rare and difficult thing; it is almost a miracle; it is a miracle,” asserts French philosopher Simone Weil. “Nearly all those who think they have the capacity do not possess it.”
Instead of offering empathy, we tend instead to give advice or reassurance and to explain our own position or feeling. Empathy, on the other hand, requires us to focus full attention on the other person’s message.
Ask before offering advice or reassurance.
It is often frustrating for someone needing empathy to have us assume that they want reassurance or “fix-it” advice.
Believing we have to “fix” situations and make others feel better prevents us from being present. Those of us in the role of counselor or psychotherapist are particularly susceptible to this belief.
When we are thinking about people’s words and listening to how they connect to our theories, we are looking at people—we are not with them.
