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Focus on what we want to do rather than what went wrong.
Defuse stress by hearing our own feelings and needs.
Defuse stress by empathizing with others.
I empathized with clients instead of interpreting them; I revealed myself instead of diagnosing them.
Our ability to distinguish our own feelings and needs and to empathize with them can free us from depression.
Compliments are often judgments—however positive-of others.
I have reviewed this research, and my belief is that recipients of such praise do work harder, but only initially. Once they sense the manipulation behind the appreciation, their productivity drops. What is most disturbing for me, however, is that the beauty of appreciation is spoiled when people begin to notice the lurking intent to get something out of them.
Furthermore, when we use positive feedback as a means to influence others, it may not be clear how they are receiving the message.
Express appreciation to celebrate, not to manipulate.
The Three Components of Appreciation NVC clearly distinguishes three components in the expression of appreciation: the actions that have contributed to our well-being the particular needs of ours that have been fulfilled the pleasureful feelings engendered by the fulfillment of those needs
Saying “thank you” in NVC: “This is what you did; this is what I feel; this is the need of mine that was met.”
For many of us, it is difficult to receive appreciation gracefully. We fret over whether we deserve it. We worry about what’s being expected of us—especially if we have teachers or managers who use appreciation as a means to spur productivity. Or we’re nervous about living up to the appreciation.
Receive appreciation without feelings of superiority or false humility.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
Paradoxically, despite our unease in receiving appreciation, most of us yearn to be genuinely recognized and appreciated.
Too often I had assumed that others knew the intensity of my appreciation for them, only to discover otherwise. And even when people were embarrassed, they still wanted to hear appreciation verbalized.
Conventional compliments often take the form of judgments, however positive, and are sometimes intended to manipulate the behavior of others. NVC encourages the expression of appreciation solely for celebration.
We state (1) the action that has contributed to our well-being, (2) the particular need of ours that has been fulfilled, and (3) the feelings of pleasure engendered as a result.
