How to Have That Difficult Conversation: Gaining the Skills for Honest and Meaningful Communication

by Henry Cloud

“Is this the proper time for this? Are there other issues this person needs to understand first? Does she need to feel safer before I bring this up?”

“A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense” (Prov. 19:11).

When you clarify inside yourself the purpose of the confrontation,

Check yourself to see if you are having the appropriate level of concern for what is happening. Don’t confront smacking one’s lips at the dinner table with the same force you would lying or stealing.

Some things are just things you don’t like and want someone to change, but that person is not really doing anything wrong.

Failure to make this distinction commonly happens in a relationship in which one person is more structured than the other. One may be more orderly, time-conscious, budgeted, or organized than the other. The less structured one is looser and okay with things being more “unraveled.” Typically, the structured one feels that her way is the “right” way and approaches the conversation in that fashion. This is usually a disaster. Instead of demanding better behavior from her spouse, what she should be doing is asking to negotiate a compromise — just asking the other person to come her way a bit.

“Joe, I love you and I am committed to our relationship. That’s why I want to talk about this issue. I want it to help us get closer.”

limits are needed.

The first is that you are not going to allow yourself to participate in the behavior anymore. The limit is on yourself.

Another limit involves consequences that go further than setting limits with what you will participate in.

There is a future, and you do well to know ahead of time what you are going to do with it. Many options are available. If the problem is a one-time occurrence and you are with a “wise person” who sees the problem and commits to solving it, a plan is probably not necessary. Unless she needs some help seeing where she is wrong again, she will follow through on her own. With others, you would do well to have a preset plan for the future.

Trust and reconciliation after a confrontation result from the other person’s taking ownership of her problem and its effects on you.

Repentance means more than someone saying, “Sorry.” It means he truly has had a change of mind about his behavior and shows it by changing direction. He turns around and does things

differently.

Difficult people often have a strategy to get you upset and out of control. Just as a toddler infuriates his parent until he is in control of the out-of-control parent, so difficult people can arouse your emotions until they are in control of you.

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly

“Am I really the kind of person who can’t receive feedback?”

In every situation, you are dealing with two factors: the problem and the other person’s ability to deal with it. The greater the other person’s ability to hear what you are saying and deal with the problem, the more smoothly the conversation will go. But if the other person is not willing to listen, you may have to get away from the problem you wanted to solve and go to the greater problem — the inability to solve problems or the inability to hear feedback.

It is our prayer that you will find the same results. Yet, even if you don’t, “you will have saved yourself” (Ezek. 3:19).

As a psychologist, I concluded long ago that a couple with big problems but also the ability to listen, own one’s part in the problem, and change has a better chance of success than a couple with smaller problems and less ability to own them.

When one person in a relationship resists looking at, taking responsibility for, and changing his actions, it is like damming up a river. The relationship moves sluggishly, choked by the inability to process issues and move on in love. Relationships between two people who can hear and use feedback sail along much more easily: “A rebuke impresses a man of discernment more than a hundred lashes a fool” (Prov. 17:10).

When a person attacks you for bringing up a problem, he is “shooting the messenger.”

People may create reasons for their behavior that satisfy themselves but are inaccurate and reduce their responsibility.

People who minimize will admit an issue but speak of it as less serious than it is. They often will not see how bothersome or hurtful their behavior is to others, because in their minds it is no big deal.

When a person blames, he finds an external source that, in his mind, caused the problem.

this is an ancient and often-used approach to deflect responsibility.

Some people deny a problem even exists.

When people disallow that they are responsible for a problem but then see their problem in others, they are projecting.

If you have a resistant person in your life, the number one stance you will need to adopt to learn how to deal with her is this: Stop being surprised that she does not welcome the truth.

When you are preparing to confront a resistant person, remember that he also needs relationship, safety, and grace. He may resist due to hurt or past experiences that made truth dangerous or unsafe for him. Grace and love are not everything a person needs; however, they are the most important elements he needs. In addition, without grace and love, it is unlikely that anything redemptive will happen in your conversation.

Grace is not the absence of truth. Rather, it allows truth to be accepted and digested more easily.

“I’d like to talk about keeping the apartment neat. I have a problem with how you leave dishes and clothes all around, and I’d like to find a solution to this problem. At the same time, I want you to know that I’m not trying to put you down. I really value our friendship, and I like being with you. In fact, I am bringing this up because the problem is getting in the way of our relationship. I want to be closer, not farther from you.”

“A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense” (Prov. 19:11).

If you agree: “You know, I think you are right that I nag you about your not getting around to doing things. I’m sure that doesn’t make things easier for you. So I am really willing to take a look at that with you and change it. But for now, I need to get back to the problem we began with.” If you don’t agree: “It may be true that I nag you. I’m not sure about it, and I want to think about it. If it is true, I really want to talk to you more about it and change things. But for now, I need to get back to the problem.” These examples demonstrate how you can table your part until later, but this is not a hard and fast rule.