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by
Henry Cloud
clear about the feelings you feel, not the thoughts you think. This is a hard task; it is easy to use the word feel and then say a thought. For example: “When you negate my words, I feel like I shouldn’t say anything.” It would be better to say, “When you negate my words, I feel hurt and disconnected from you.”
“When you negate my words, I feel like you don’t care about me,” say, “When you negate my words, I feel alone and unloved.”
“When you are constantly late, I feel frustrated and unimportant.”
you are not ascribing fault as much as opening a window into your heart so the other person can be drawn into your world.
Real affirmation comes from your genuine care for the person and your desire for things to get better. It is grace before truth.
“Sam, I want you to know that the reason I’m bringing this up is because I love you and am committed to our relationship. I love and value so many things about you. In fact, that is why I have to talk about this. I miss seeing those things because your drinking is getting serious, and we have to do something.”
With significant confrontations, it is really important to firmly declare your favor, or grace, for the people you are confronting. It reestablishes that you are for rather than against them, and it establishes the connection that serves as the bridge for the truth to pass over to their heart and mind.
When we want to talk to someone about something difficult in a relationship, we often cannot even see the person clearly because of our own hurt and fears and projections. It is very important that we deal with what is going on inside of us first.
When confronting, do not do it from a deficit balance. In other words, don’t confront someone if you owe her an apology first.
“It would have really helped me if you had called when you knew you were going to be late. Please do that next time so I can make use of the time.”
“I am concerned about your drinking. It is becoming a problem, and we miss you. When you drink, the kids and I lose you, and we don’t want that.”
“you got me, now I am going to get you” type of confrontation,
“wipe the slate clean” type, in which the confronter seeks to clear the air in a more loving manner so as not to have something lingering between her and the other person.
The confronter enters into the conversation with an attitude to help, be
an ally, and be an agent for change.
“Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with g...
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First, get the log out of your own eye so you can see clearly to help the other person (Matt. 7:3 – 5). Second, go in with a humble attitude that identifies with the other person’s imperfections. The more we see the ways in which we don’t always treat others perfectly either, the less we will approach these situations judgmentally, and we will be more gentle and humble (Gal. 6:1).
It is this humble approach that Jesus brought to the world. The world sinned against him, and yet he came to befriend, forgive, and help the very ones who had turned against him. Our taking this same approach has a powerful melting effect on the offender. It is humbling in the best of ways, because we submit to love, not to our tendency to get even.
Global: “You always do this. You promise me you are going to do something, and then you forget about it and leave me hanging. This happens every time I try to depend on you.” Specific: “I need to know that if you tell me you’re going to do something, it will get done. Yesterday you promised me you would get my prescription filled, and you didn’t. Now I am without my antibiotic, and I fear I’m not going to get over this infection before our vacation. It also happened the other day with the form I asked you to mail. I want to talk about what we can do to make this better. I love you, and I want
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Forgiveness has to do with the past.
Reconciliation has to do with the present.
Trust has to do with the future.
Forgiveness and reconciliation do not dictate the future structure; they only wipe the slate clean.
want to talk about the way our relationship is going to be for a while. First, I want you to know I accept your apology and forgive you for the deception and the stuff that happened. I want us to be close again, and the past is past. So, I don’t want you to think that I am holding on to anything. I want this to work out. “But we have been here before, where things happened, you apologized, we got right back together, and nothing really changed. So this time, I want us to figure out a way to work toward getting back together when I feel as though you are doing something different I can trust.
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If only one person is getting his or her desires met, the relationship suffers, intimacy lessens, and sickness of heart results.
having good boundaries is more than stopping bad things from happening to you. It is also taking responsibility for the good things you want to happen.
realizing that her desires are her responsibility.
When a need is not met, we suffer injury.
be “sad” when you don’t get what you want instead of making someone “bad.”
It is a knowledge that involves the whole person.
In order to solve a problem, a person must be aware of it. She must know that it exists and that it is important to her and to you.
Becoming aware doesn’t solve the issue by itself, but the issue cannot be solved without awareness. Until the person becomes aware, you will experience the problem more than she does. And that puts you in an impossible situation, as you are then attempting to correct a problem only she can correct. Only to the extent that someone becomes aware of a problem is she able to take responsibility for the problem.
Even when we are not aware of our problems, we are still culpable for their effects.
Lack of awareness does not mean a lack of suffering, either for the person or for those around her.
Being innocently unaware is a far cry from being resistant, defensive, or blaming (see chapter 18). The other person may simply be unable to comprehend the problem.
Perhaps he is afraid to see it or does not possess the tools to look at himself. In other cases he may simply not know the full extent of the severity of the issue — how it may be ruining his life as well as your relationship with him. Or he may not want to know something about himself because it would interfere with his concept of his own goodness and perfection.
“Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” (1 Cor. 13:6 – 7).
Often an unaware person will be unjustly accused of not caring because the confronter expected him to read her mind.
“But everything exposed by the light becomes visible, for it is light that makes everything visible” (Eph. 5:13 – 14).
“I wanted to let you know I have noticed something in our relationship that could end up being a problem. Sometimes it seems that when we talk, you aren’t really listening to me. You say the right things, but you look around and don’t make eye contact. It even feels at times as if you are waiting for me to finish so that you can talk about whatever is on your mind. I don’t know if you are aware of this, but before it becomes a big deal, I wanted to bring it up. What do you think?”
We need the feedback of others to bring light to a situation: “Therefore
So come to the person not as someone who has it all together, but as someone who has also failed and also needs grace and support.
“I want you to be aware of your financial irresponsibility, because if I were in your position, I would want someone to tell me. I would hope someone would care enough about my situation to take a chance and approach me on it. That is how I feel about you. I’m on your side, and I know that hearing about this is not easy for you. Hang in there with me.”
She may have lost romantic, relational, or career opportunities due to her inability to check and correct herself.
Though God is full of grace, he does not leave room for confusion or misinterpretation about his confrontations. As Jesus says to his church about its shortcomings: “I have a few things against you” (Rev. 2:14).
also to address the underlying resistance
“If one part suffers, every part suffers with it”
“whoever heeds correction gains understanding” (Prov. 15:32).
when you prepare to confront someone’s behavior, remember that it is a good thing for you to do. It is the right thing, and it is a helpful thing.
Go hard on the issue and soft on the person.
