The Lightning-Struck Heart (Tales From Verania, #1)

by T.J. Klune

“Honestly? I always thought unicorns were made from sunshine and rainbows and good feelings. Like you just appeared one day in a field filled with flowers and a big fat sunbeam falling all around you. And there’d be butterflies or something.” That sounded way pretty. And realistic for unicorn creation.

“You’re a virgin?” Lartin said. “You bitch,” I said to Gary. “And no, I’m not a virgin.” “You so are,” Gary said, because apparently this morning he’d eaten sass for breakfast. “A twenty-year-old virgin.” “No! There was that one guy! At that thing! With the people!” My argument was sound. “That didn’t count. He kissed you, and you came in your pants, and then you proceeded to tell him how his hair reminded you of your father.”

I think I’d even started the rumor that he could make your nipples explode with a single thought. Judging by the looks of sheer horror on the others’ faces, it was one of those things that sounded better in my head rather than out loud. Most things often did.

“Flora Bora Slam,” he said again, rolling his eyes. “Well, I’m all out of ideas.” He looked incredulous. “That was your idea?” “Yes. It might have gone better in my head.” “I have a feeling that sums up your life perfectly.”

“Don’t steal from old ladies who make ugly mittens and pants for obese people,” Morgan said, “and I might consider not exploding your nipples.” They agreed immediately and fled the alley in a cloud of teenage angst and hormones.

I mastered control of my faculties just in time to stop my hand from moving, but that desperate action left all my brain function on my arm and away from my mouth. Which is the only explanation for why I said in a breathy whisper, “You are way too pretty to exist in this world with us mere mortals.”

“I won’t force you, Sam. I told myself a long time ago that nothing for you would ever be forced. But sometimes, for the good of the Kingdom, we must make decisions we do not like. So, we can either walk and hide away in the labs, or you can stand tall and true and show all of those people in there that Sam of Wilds is not a man to be caught and tamed.”

“If it makes you feel any better,” Gary said, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen dance fucking before. It was illuminating to see a live demonstration.” I walked into a tree.

“You’re a talking unicorn,” I said. “Sometimes when you poop, it comes out as rainbows and smells like cookies. There is nothing subtle about you.”

I could see the constellations of my childhood, and the stories that came with them: David’s Dragon. The Lightning-Struck Man. The Pegasus. Vhan’s Fury.

“You screamed like a frightened little girl.” “I squawked like an indifferent tall man.” Because that was a sound and logical argument.

“I’m not getting married!” “Then why would they print that?” “Because the freedom of press has gone too far in this country? I don’t know!”

And I knew he was my cornerstone then because I wanted nothing more than to blow something up with a few choice words, but was able to stop myself. Hurray for personal growth and damning realizations.

“Oh no,” I said. “It’s locked. We should go home.” “Bah,” he said. “You have your magic. Unlock it.” “I left my magic in my room,” I said, like that was a real thing.

“I will murder everything you love,” I growled at him. “That would be suicide,” he said solemnly. “Because I love you.”

Corey:-)

“I’m a Sam Girl,” Mary told him. “Because of how he looks in tight pants. Edible. Edible is how he looks in tight pants.”

“And again, why Knight Delicious Face?” “Anyway,” I said loudly. “Are we good? Did the Priest give us enough hoodoo so we can get the fu—fudge out? Sorry, Father.” “It’s okay,” the priest assured me. “I’m pretty sure your soul is already doomed.” “There’s the idolatry I know and avoid.”

Gary would adamantly deny this, saying a lady of his stature would never snore, but he was a liar and a fat mouth and his snoring sounded like an orgy involving otters and bears.

When they were out of earshot, Morgan said, “Mermaid, Sam? Do I even want to know?” “No. Definitely not. It was this whole… thing that turned into an ordeal and did you know getting splinters in your ass is not a fun way to spend a Tuesday?”

“You’re almost done.” “Am I?” “With this part, yes. It’s all about the journey, Sam. One day you’ll get your ending, but until then, remember it’s about the journey. The things you’ve learned. The future you’ll have. I know it may not seem like it right now, and I know it might hurt, but you will be okay. You’re my apprentice. I expect nothing less of you.”

<3

“What are you doing?” I whispered. “Nothing,” he said and then tried to shove me behind him. “Are you trying to protect me?” I asked, starting to get slightly pissed. “Dude. Knock it off. You’re not my knight in shining armor. You’re a dick in dented tin.”

“It’s not a one-time thing,” I said. “It’s not just you. There could be others. There will be others. Because you can’t be what I need. You can’t be the one to anchor it down. There will be others and I will find them and they will help me and I will show them why I was made for them. I will show them how great I can be, because I will never be anyone’s second choice. I will never be second best to someone I love.”

You GO Sam<3

“I’ve seen many things. Both good and evil. Majestic and destructive. Stars falling from the sky and a man whose tattoos moved across his skin as if they were alive before he tried to rip one of my hearts from my chest.

Has Kevin been tangling with Gordon's dad??????

“Gary, it’s fine,” Kevin said. “He just needs time to adjust.” “Sorry about this,” I told Wan. “They have been in a monogamous relationship for nine days and apparently, two magical creatures together like that suddenly start acting like lesbian albatrosses and mate for life or something.”

“Are they speaking in code?” Mom asked Dad, trying to be quiet but failing miserably. “I don’t know,” Dad said. “I don’t speak wizard.” “Neither do I. I feel like we’ve failed as parents.” “Nah,” Dad said easily. “Look at him. He’s adorable and knows how to put on his own pants. We did good.”

“Huh,” Randall said. “Really didn’t redirect the lightning that time, did you?” “You’re a big bag of assholes, Randall,” I gritted out. “You flipping toe remover. I’ll corrugate your metatarsals.” “Uh-oh, everyone,” Gary said. “Sam is hurling nonsensical insults. That means he’s pissed off. Watch out. Wouldn’t want your feelings to be semihurt and confused.”

Dammit. Why can’t I think of something exotic off the top of my head? Exotic. Exotic. Go! Juan Carlos is going to be an exotic mortician!” I groaned. “That doesn’t even make sense.” “Who’re you talking to?” I squawked like an indifferently tall man.

“And this is probably indicative of how today is going to go,” Randall said with a sigh. “Is it?” Mom asked. “This certainly bodes well for today’s events.” “I don’t think that’s quite what he meant,” Dad said to her. “I’m maintaining a positive outlook,” she said. “Denial is such a comforting place to be.”

“Oxymoron,” Tiggy said. “Well said,” Gary replied. “He is a moron.” “You lucky you pretty.” Tiggy said, burying his face in Gary’s ridiculous mane. “Feel like bubbles on my nose.”

There's a special place in my heart for Tiggy!!!