Alcatraz vs. the Evil Librarians (Alcatraz, #1)

by Brandon Sanderson

So there I was, tied to an altar made from outdated encyclopedias, about to get sacrificed to the dark powers by a cult of evil Librarians.

So, when people try to give you some book with a shiny round award on the cover, be kind and gracious, but tell them that you don’t read “fantasy,” because you prefer stories that are real. Then come back here and continue your research on the cult of evil Librarians who secretly rule the world.

A clever person can make anything turn to his advantage, no matter how much a disadvantage it may seem at first.

You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm. It’s really funny.

That third one is the most fun. Kind of like gym class for the murderously insane.

Authors write books for one, and only one, reason: because we like to torture people.

People can do great things. However, there are some things they just can’t do. I, for instance, have not been able to transform myself into a Popsicle, despite years of effort. I could, however, make myself insane if I wished. (Though if I achieved the second, I might be able to make myself think I’d achieved the first.…)

Great success often depends upon being able to distinguish between the impossible and the improbable.

Determination—true determination—is more than simply wanting something to happen. It’s wanting something to happen, then finding a realistic way to make certain that what you want to happen, happens.

You could even scan to the end and read the last page. Know that by doing so, however, you would violate every holy and honorable storytelling principle known to man, thereby throwing the universe into chaos and causing grief to untold millions. Your choice.

Bastille shuddered. “Papercuts,” she said. “The worst form of torture.”

By now it is probably very late at night, and you have stayed up to read this book when you should have gone to sleep. If this is the case, then I commend you for falling into my trap. It is a writer’s greatest pleasure to hear that someone was kept up until the unholy hours of the morning reading one of his books. It goes back to authors being terrible people who delight in the suffering of others. Plus we get a kickback from the caffeine industry.

Personally, I say, “Out of the frying pan and into the deadly pit filled with sharks who are wielding chainsaws with killer kittens stapled to them.” However, that one’s having a rough time catching on.)