She's Six Steps Away: Get Past Approach Anxiety and Meet the Woman You Want

by Eric Disco

For the next month, I simply practiced taking action. Instead of thinking about what would work and what wouldn’t work, I tried to start one single conversation every day. It was one of the most challenging things I ever did. But it was also the single most imp...

Taking this one action every day changed my demeanor in social situations without me consciously thinking about it. Because I had practiced accepting every possible outcome, I...

I still experienced a high amount of physical and mental arousal in the process of talking with women. Those thoughts and feelings did not subside. But something changed for me: I got into a habit of going out every day and taking action with women. After a while, even though it was difficult, I knew that I would be able to do it again. I did it yesterday, I thought to myself, and I can do it again today. That made all the difference in the world.

THE OPENING MOVE All new friendships, alliances, and romantic relationships start with one person taking some kind of initiative. Even if the initiative is small or subtle, one person has to “make the move.” Someone has to step forward and communicate an interest in establishing a relationship.

An initiative is an opening move, where you take action on your own. The outcome of that action may be uncertain. Anything can happen. The other person may or may not respond positively to that action. But the move itself is what makes this an initiative.

Some examples of social initiative: Saying hello to a stranger in an elevator. Being the first to say “good morning” to a co-worker as he or she passes in the hallway. Picking up the phone and calling a friend. Sending a friend a text message or an email if you haven’t spoken to him or her th...

Social initiative can also mean taking an existing social interaction to another level. You are “escalating” the relationship. Again, the outcome may be uncertain. Here are some examples: Saying “How are you today?” to a cab driver after telling him where you want to go. Inviting a friend out for lunch at the end of a conversation. Making a verbal conversation physical by shaking someone’s hand, giving him a “high-five,” or patting him on the back. Speaking up within a group of people. When a classmate asks how you are, you share s...

Taking initiative socially can be even simpler. Maybe you decide to attend an event on your own, something you don’t ordinarily do. Even if you don’t talk to anyone at the event, you’re still “putting yourself out there.” You’ve taken initiative because ...

And of course, starting an interaction with a woman you don’t know is a social initiative. You actively took the lead to speak with her instead of passively sitting bac...

I felt like everyone was an expert but me. Everyone seemed to have a better sense than me of what was socially appropriate. So I would wait for others to say hi. I wouldn’t speak to a stranger unless spoken to. And I certainly wouldn’t walk up to a woman and talk with her. I didn’t want to impose.

For people who see others as more socially skilled, taking initiative seems unfathomable. We perceive the outside world as threatening. We wait for people to take initiative with us. And if we do take initiative, we’re extremely careful, looking for signs of rejection rather than signs of success.

Often when I’m coaching a guy and he initiates an interaction with a woman, even if she’s smiling and friendly to him, he comes back and says she didn’t like him. I tell him she was smiling the entire time, but he does not even realize that she was smiling. He perceived this situation as threatening. Instead of noticing positive signals, he wa...

When a toddler is in the presence of his parents or knows they’re nearby, he feels safe. Thus, he turns his attention toward the environment. He is free to investigate, explore, play, and make new friends. But when his parents leave, the child’s focus is on re-acquiring the safety of his parents. His attention is fixed o...

Inhibition is a powerful mechanism preventing you from taking initiative in situations you perceive as unsafe. Not only does it keep you from doing and saying what you want, but it keeps you from thinking of what to say and do. It’s not just that you don’t say what you want in front of that attractive woman—it’s that you can’t thin...

But you’re not an idiot. How many excuses does your brain come up with when you’re about to talk to her? Probably a million. You are brilliant at that point. And when you’re halfway across town from that attractive woman, you may think of something brilliant you could have said...

When you are in a familiar social environment, you feel more relaxed. You’ve been there before and you know what to expect. Around close friends and family, you may play, joke, ...

When you feel safe, you can “be yourself.” You’re creative, exploratory, and inquisitive. You listen better and learn better. Cons...

Strangers represent a foreign social environment. When you first try to take initiative in an area where you don’t have experienc...

Due to this uncertainty, your mind fights you, sending you signals that you’re putting yourself in danger. You’re ri...

The feelings and thoughts you experience in precarious situations are automatic. You can’t logically convince yourself that the world is safe. You must show your body that it’s safe by taking gradual steps into the ...

Once you begin to consistently take action, you start feeling more certain. By repeatedly taking small initiatives in a foreign environment, you start to find that people are generally posi...

This starts to shift your view of this environment from threatening to non-threatening. You are showing your body, over and over, that taking this type of action won’t be harmful. You are reorienting yourself to the outside world as if it were a safe, welcoming place—a world of opportunity...

Once you start to perceive the world as less threatening and view others as potential friends, you become less inhibited. You feel able to take more social initiative. The ability to take social initiative, and its corresponding lack of inhibition, is the most important ...

Focus on Taking Initiative Before Focusing on How to Take Initiative

When a guy initiates a social interaction with a woman, he’s often too focused on getting a positive outcome instead of simply trying to take action. This makes him think about infinite possibilities: all the things he could say, the best ways he could say them, how she may respond, how he’ll respond to her response, etc., etc. It goes on and on. He gets overwhelmed with thought and doesn’t take action at all.

Instead, you want to shift your focus from thinking too much about how you’re taking initiative to simply taking initiative. This allows you t...

One way to shift your focus is to set goals based on the initiative rather than the outcome. For example, instead of aiming to get one phone number every day, make it yo...

Instead of setting a goal of making three women smile every day, make it your goal to compliment three women every day. Accomplishing the first goal depends on the reaction of others. Acc...

The Six Step Method lays out a series of initiatives. It then provides direction on how you can perform these initiatives in order to have the greatest chan...

For example, at Step 3, the initiative may be to ask a stranger for directions. The guidance may be to speak loudly, in order to get a bett...

Taking initiative is the primary method for improving socially. The manner in which you take that initiative is much less important. If you take initiative by asking directions, and then realize afterward that you didn’t speak loudly, that’s okay. What’s most important is that you took action in the first place. It’...

Principle #2: Repeatedly taking initiative allows you to practice accepting all possible outcomes. How you take that initiative is secondary.

Marcus, a good-natured, soft-spoken man in his early 40s, had taken workshops in order to get past his inability to meet women, but they were unsuccessful. He was unable to talk to even one woman he didn’t know. Whenever he tried, he got caught in an avalanche of self-doubt that left him paralyzed.

If he wasn’t able to walk up to an attractive woman and get into a conversation with her, what was he able to do? Could he simply ask a woman for directions or the time? Could he talk to someone he wasn’t attracted to? Could he stand near an attractive woman?

I came up with smaller steps for Marcus and we tried them. I gave him short, manageable homework assignments to do in between coaching sessions. For a few weeks I had him repeatedly walk over to an attractive woman and stand in her vicinity, without speaking to her.

We began working on the next step. He would say something simple to a stranger—ask for directions or comment on the weather—and then immediately walk away.

Marcus practiced these exercises diligently. Eventually, I increased the amount of time he stayed in interactions. He gradually started to get into more involved exchanges. He was soon having meaningful conversations with women regularly.

Tension and the Art of Starting Gradually When learning to take initiative socially, there are problems with doing too much too fast. Even if you are able to force yourself to walk up and say something to a stranger, this can be counterproductive.

When you perceive a situation as threatening, yet force yourself into it, you panic. People don’t learn well while panicking. A gradual approach, on the other hand, allows this to be a fun, enjoyable process that you’ll want to continue every day.

A gradual approach also lowers tension. Let’s say someone were going to punch you in the stomach. Your arms were held back so you could not block the punch or move out of the way. He reaches his arm back to deliver the punch to your belly. What do you do? You tense your abdominal muscles. You brace yourself for the impact. That’s a good thing. It’s an instinctual r...

If you didn’t tense your abdominal muscles and stayed relaxed, the punch would be more likely to damage your internal organs. When you tense your abdominal muscles, they protect your internal organs. Your muscles ...

You see an attractive woman. Even though you’re overwhelmed by thoughts and feelings, you’re determined to talk to her. So you force yourself to do it. At the same time, you’re expecting a bad outcome. You’re expecting a negative reaction from her. You’r...

If you get rejected, it will hurt. You could be thinking about this interaction for a long time. You may be haunted by this exp...

That rejection is painful to you. It’s the equivalent of someone punching you in the stomach. So you feel like you need to protect yourself psychologically. In order to protect yourself, you start to prepare for the interaction. You say to yourself, I can take the blow. I can do it. It’...

The anticipation of pain causes tension, just like when you tensed your stomach muscles to prepare for the punch. As you walk over to her, you get into a tense state. You don’t ...

This self-protective state is the same state people get into when there’s a conflict. If you were to physically attack someone, you would get tense in order t...

Of course, you’re not intending to attack her. You want to be friendly. But your tension communicates something hostile to her. When you walk up to her in a tense and defensive state, s...

If instead you could be open, relaxed, and fun, she would see you differently. But it’s difficult to just act open, relaxed, and fun when you’re wary of the damage she can do to you. She senses your wariness, and so she’s war...

As a result, she reacts negatively to you. She’s not open and wel...

But you’re determined to learn how get into conversations with women you don’t know. So you try it again with a different woman, even though y...