Dash

by Shantel Tessier

“I choose you, Tabatha. You’re better than any dream I have ever had. Because you are real. You’re right here in front of me.”

knowing that promises are made to be broken. In the end, ‘promise’ is just a word spoken to prevent the inevitable that no one wants to see coming. I promise I love you. I promise you’re my everything. I promise not to hurt you. Do you see a pattern? Promise makes you think that you have a chance. A candy-coated word to sweeten the pot.

Growing up, my father always told me that we have choices in life that will make you weak or make you stronger.

I was trying to save my life. I was trying to protect Dash and myself. Even though he hates me. Shouldn’t he? I couldn’t even tell him what I was feeling. I couldn’t even tell him how much I have fallen for him, and I blame Rodger for that. He taught me that people can use that against you, and I didn’t want Dash to use me like that. I wanted what we had to be special. Now, it’s just ruined.

Do you ever think back and regret every decision you have ever made? Do you regret the person that you allowed yourself to fall in love with?

“I fell in love with him because of the way he made me feel. Not my feelings toward him, but my feelings toward myself. I lit up when he walked into a room. I had a smile on my face that wouldn’t go away. My skin would tingle whenever he would look at me.” Her eyes drop to the cut on my lip, and I lick it nervously. Her eyes meet mine once again, and she continues. “I loved myself first. I fell in love with the person who I was when he was around. And in loving myself, I fell in love with him.”

“Give love a chance. It doesn’t matter if your heart breaks a hundred times. You’ll eventually open your heart to that one person who makes all that pain go away. It’ll be that one love that’s worth it.”

The way her bruised and stitched face looked. She looked so broken—so not herself. And that’s what made me so mad. That was why I yelled at her in front of everyone.

“My father raised me to always say what I feel. He would say, ‘Sweet pea, people can’t read your mind. In order for them to understand what you want, you have to tell them.’” She chuckles to herself. “Rodger took that part of me away. To him, women weren’t allowed to have opinions or wants.” She looks up at me. “I was afraid to tell you how I felt, but you weren’t. You were much stronger than I was. But if you just give me the chance, I will show that I can be just as strong as you.”

You could win every award there is in the world but having the feeling of knowing that someone loves you—well, nothing could beat that. Because all those awards are just gonna sit on a shelf and collect dust. People will forget what you worked so hard to accomplish—that dream. But she will wake up every morning loving me. And every night knowing that I love her just as much.

Dash taught me that you’re never guaranteed tomorrow. And yesterday is never enough.

Missing him hasn’t gotten easier. It’s a constant, dull ache, but a reminder of just how much what we had was real. Jake takes me to visit his grave often. I take him flowers and show him pictures that Erika colors for him. And it breaks my heart every time she asks if she can go visit Daddy. But we do it. Because I don’t ever want her to forget how much I know he loves her. And every night when I lay down, I thank him for the beautiful gift that he left me with. A life that is full of heartbreak and fulfillment every day.