Dash

by Shantel Tessier

Do I tell it how it is? Of course. I wasn’t raised to hide what I feel. How is someone going to know what you feel or think unless you tell them?

I couldn’t take it anymore; I can’t hide who I really am. I am a smart-mouthed bitch who has anger issues and a right hook to prove it.

Bitches who are recently single are the best. They’re looking for payback—and I’m willing to be that for her tonight. Big sacrifice on my part, I know. But what can I say? I’m a gentleman.

Everyone knows that alcohol is only a temporary fix. All you are left with the morning after is a badass headache. You’re still gonna remember the heartache and betrayal.

But Mr. Knight told me that he didn’t get where he is today without taking risks. And she is a risk I’m willing to take.

“Begging won’t get you anywhere with me,” he says, moving his hips back and forth. “You’re going to remember every little fucking thing this time.”

“I choose you, Tabatha. You’re better than any dream I have ever had. Because you are real. You’re right here in front of me.”

In the end, ‘promise’ is just a word spoken to prevent the inevitable that no one wants to see coming. I promise I love you. I promise you’re my everything. I promise not to hurt you. Do you see a pattern? Promise makes you think that you have a chance. A candy-coated word to sweeten the pot.

Growing up, my father always told me that we have choices in life that will make you weak or make you stronger.

I hate how unfair life is. I hate that the saying ‘money can’t buy you happiness’ is true. Because I would pay every dime I have to put Dash and me in a bubble where we could live happily ever after. Where no one else can touch what we have.

“I fell in love with him because of the way he made me feel. Not my feelings toward him, but my feelings toward myself. I lit up when he walked into a room. I had a smile on my face that wouldn’t go away. My skin would tingle whenever he would look at me.” Her eyes drop to the cut on my lip, and I lick it nervously. Her eyes meet mine once again, and she continues. “I loved myself first. I fell in love with the person who I was when he was around. And in loving myself, I fell in love with him.”

“Give love a chance. It doesn’t matter if your heart breaks a hundred times. You’ll eventually open your heart to that one person who makes all that pain go away. It’ll be that one love that’s worth it.”

Love being the biggest one. And pain. A lot of pain. Pain that no amount of makeup could cover up. These bruises on my body will fade, and these stitches on my face will be removed, but my broken heart will remain broken forever.

I hate that she made me love her with no intention of loving me back.

“I thought us being apart would be best for me. That it would give me a chance to find myself. But I realize that I’m at my best when I’m with you. I feel strong when you hold my hand. I feel loved when you cuddle with me. I love the way you make me feel about myself. Not what you try to make me be.”

“My father raised me to always say what I feel. He would say, ‘Sweet pea, people can’t read your mind. In order for them to understand what you want, you have to tell them.’” She chuckles to herself. “Rodger took that part of me away. To him, women weren’t allowed to have opinions or wants.” She looks up at me. “I was afraid to tell you how I felt, but you weren’t. You were much stronger than I was. But if you just give me the chance, I will show that I can be just as strong as you.”

I kiss her desperately. As if she’s air and I’ve been drowning. Because that is what she does for me. She helps me survive.

She reminds me what it’s like to be wanted. To be important. To be loved.

“It was never about the race. It was about the power that the bike allowed me to have. It was about the freedom I felt when I was on her. When I’m on a bike, I’m free. And who doesn’t want to be free?”

“Let the world see what you have accomplished. Let the world see the support system that you have. There are other people out there who believe in their dreams; let them know that they can be achieved.”

You could win every award there is in the world but having the feeling of knowing that someone loves you—well, nothing could beat that. Because all those awards are just gonna sit on a shelf and collect dust. People will forget what you worked so hard to accomplish—that dream.

“Good-bye is never easy,” he whispers, and I sob into his shirt knowing that he is right. “But Dash deserves a proper good-bye.” I hate how right he is. Dash deserves to have the woman that he loved at his funeral. It’s time for me to say my final good-bye.

We lay there side by side on my bathroom floor like two kids afraid of what is to come. Because Dash taught me that you’re never guaranteed tomorrow. And yesterday is never enough.