Side by Side: Walking with Others in Wisdom and Love

by Edward T. Welch

That is the reason we even consider helping others. We live in the age of the Spirit. Apart from Pentecost, we would be referral agents who simply introduce needy people to the real experts. We would hold our tongue for fear that we would just make matters worse. With the Spirit, we move toward other people and are amazed that God uses ordinary people to do his kingdom work. Having the Spirit does not mean that otherwise blank minds suddenly become streams of profound insight and comfort to those in need. We remain fully capable of saying stupid and hurtful things. But it does mean that our ability to help will bear the marks of the Spirit, such as patience and kindness (Gal. 5:22).

The Spirit gives us the wisdom of God. This wisdom overlaps with wisdom that we can gather from books and careful observations, but it goes deeper. It is wisdom rooted in the cross and the resurrection of Jesus.

When we are feeling utterly worthless, for example, we can ignore it, debate it, or succumb to it. The best wisdom of the world can’t get us much further. In contrast, the wisdom of God reveals that worthlessness is about our connections. We are connected to things that have been forced on us, such as the sins of others, or we are connected to things we love, such as work, hobbies, or even the people who love us. It turns out that none of these things are sufficient in themselves to make us whole. The deeper wisdom of God reveals that, by faith, we are connected to Jesus, and then we investigate that wisdom for the rest of our lives in order to understand Jesus more fully.

We have no complaints about knowledge, and there certainly is a place for expertise, but we aren’t necessarily going to want help from the person who has access to the most information. We want help from someone with godly wisdom, and that wisdom, which resides fully in Jesus, is in the public domain. A child can understand it, while a scholar might be sitting in the dark. It seems to be a questionable way to change the world, but it’s God’s way.

We cannot greet everyone. So here is how we prioritize: The visitor (what Scripture calls the “foreigner” or “alien”) comes first. The visitor who returns comes next. The less popular, the introverts, the marginalized, or those sitting alone come next. Then come the children. Jesus singles them out as examples of the marginalized.

Very awkward, but don’t let it discourage you from moving toward him and those like him. As you do this in the name of Jesus, you are doing a fine thing. Success is measured differently in God’s kingdom. And who knows? Maybe he’ll keep coming to church, and after another dozen greetings, he might begin to trust you with a few more details.

A question about health can reveal thankfulness or fear. So we keep our ears open for details that are important to someone. This may sound clinical, but it’s not. It’s what you do naturally when you are interested in someone. You follow the affections. You follow what excites, what is prized, and what is hard.

“How are you?” This question gets closer to the heart. There are two versions of the how question. The first is a mere greeting that does not anticipate an answer other than a reflexive, “Fine. How are you?” The second version is revolutionary, and some people have never been asked it. When someone responds with a perfunctory “Good,” or “How are you?” you can respond with, “How are you, really? How has your week been?” Now we are getting personal. We can even dust off those other questions that sought only surface information and aim for deeper knowledge that way.

their badness and their disrespect for Paul, he could see the Spirit working in them. He could see the good in them, and he enjoyed it. Such an attitude can lead to deeper conversations: “Let me tell you more about the grace I have seen in you.” “Somehow you remain hopeful in hard things. How do you do it?” “You have been given amazing gifts, and I have been praying that God would protect you so you can continue to use them well.” “I have been thinking about you recently.”

Paul teaches us something very important in this regard—he didn’t let the bad overshadow the good. He was able to affirm the good and encourage his readers in the faith. We want to do the same.

Be eager to discover patience, self-control, humility, kindness, selfless acts, encouraging words, attentiveness, courtesy (which is a form of respect), interest in justice and the marginalized, hard work, and love. These refractions of divine goodness are best identified, praised, and enjoyed. If their appearance is episodic and brief, and even if they are contaminated with selfishness or pride, don’t let the unattractive features of someone’s life blind you to the good.

Instead, we want to draw out another: “What happened next?” Otherwise, your friend will feel that you really didn’t hear her story and may be reluctant to share other, harder stories with you.

Do you notice any regrets? Anything your friend would want to do over? Scripture is certainly concerned about guilt, both its causes and cure. And guilt, for whatever reason, tends to strangle spiritual growth. So we follow up on that when we get the slightest whiff of it. When you don’t know what is important in someone’s story, just ask: “What is most meaningful to you about this? What is the hardest part of this problem for you?” All such questions serve as a reminder

Compassion Grieves with Those Who Grieve No blank looks, no change of topic. When we hear the hardships of those we love, we find them a place in our heart such that we too are not quite the same. “Oh, I am so sorry. This is so hard and painful. It tears away at me to hear about this”—those words might seem dramatic or extreme, but they are apt words of compassion from a loving friend. We search for words to express compassion. Compassion can be expressed in deeds, but the overall culture of God’s family is expressive. We speak to God and to each other, and we do it often. The wisdom in this is obvious to those who are troubled, because silence is usually interpreted as indifference. “I am so sorry,” “I am with you in this”—that’s what we want to communicate.

we are affected by someone’s suffering, we will remember it, which is one of the great gifts that we give to each other.

A year later, on the anniversary of the father’s death, a friend from the church called and left a message: “I remember that your father died on this day last year. I just wanted you to know that I was thinking about you and prayed for you. I prayed that there will be times today when the memories you have of him bless you.” The young man was stunned. He was changed. He was comforted and encouraged, and he committed to keep others on his heart long term. God’s premiere self-description is “the compassionate and gracious God” (Ex. 34:6 NIV). This means that both our pain and our prayers affect him, and he has us on his heart. He takes our burden on himself and remembers us. As we imitate our Father, we want to feel the burdens of others too.

we call, e-mail, track down the suffering at church. We have them on our heart, and we want them to know it. Say something. Do something. Remember. That is the basic idea.

God does not compare our present suffering to anyone else’s or to worst-case scenarios. Ever. If we hear friends do this in their own suffering, it does not give us the right to chime in. Instead, it might be a time to warn them. “Yes, your suffering might not seem as severe as _______ , but God doesn’t compare your sufferings to others.”

even though things could be worse, that is never an appropriate thing to say to others or to let others say about their situation. God is not dismissive of our hardships, and neither should we

Do not say: “What is God teaching you through this?” Or, “God will work this together for good.” Those platitudes are biblical in that God does teach us in our suffering, and he is working all things together for good (Rom. 8:28). We agree with C. S. Lewis when he writes that pain is God’s megaphone to arouse a deaf world. But these kinds of comments have hurt so many people; let’s agree that we will never say them.

Such responses tend to be condescending, as in, “I wonder when you will finally get it.” Such responses suggest that suffering is a solvable riddle. God has something specific in mind, and we have to guess what it is. Welcome to a cosmic game of Twenty Questions, and we’d better get the right answer soon; otherwise, the suffering will continue.

Suffering is not an intellectual matter that needs answers; it is highly personal: Can I trust him? Does he hear? Suffering is a relational matter, and it is a time to speak honestly to the Lord and remember that the fullest revelation he gives of himself is through Jesus Christ, the suffering servant. Only when we look to Jesus can we know that God’s love and our suffering can coexist.

Do not say: “If you need anything, please call me, anytime.” This heads in a better direction; it is not quite a platitude. However, this common and kind comment reveals that we do not really know the person. Sufferers usually don’t know what they want or need, and they won’t call you. The

we could consider what needs to be done and do it. Wise friends buy more dog food, do the dishes, drop off a meal, cut the grass, babysit the kids, clean the house, give a ride to small group, drop off a note of encouragement and then another and another, help sort out medical bills, and so on. Any such acts of love and service make life easier for the suffering person. And a meal is never just a meal; maid service is never merely a timesaver for those served. These acts say to the sufferer, “I remember you”; “I think about you often”; “You are not forgotten”; “You are on my heart”; “I love you.” The time we give to creative strategizing is the power behind such

Job’s comforters took their time and seemed to care for him. They were moved by his troubles, but they still said things that were wrong and unhelpful, and even right and unhelpful.

Humility asks, “What can I do today that would help you?” Then it might make a few suggestions so the person doesn’t flounder or wonder if you mean it. (Can I watch the kids today? Do you need a ride to your treatment? Do you have plans for dinner?) If the person declines, accept it, but do not end the conversation without an offer to pray. Ask what he needs prayer for and either pray right then or pray later and then follow up the next time you see him. That is compassion.

Here are some common but wrong beliefs: Low-grade suffering is common; you just deal with it. Really bad suffering means you have done something really wrong, and God is displeased. We all have hardships, but our good Father will give us the ability to bear it, which means that it won’t feel that bad. We all have hardships. Christians have them a little less than their pagan neighbors. We can praise our way through it. Think of those worse off than you and be thankful.

Suffering reminds us that the world and everything in it, including us, are not quite right. Everything will not be right until Jesus returns and his will is done on earth as it is presently done in heaven. So we are people of hope. We look ahead, yet we also know that Jesus’s incarnation changed everything, even now.

In the Old Testament, suffering and trouble were usually a result of the people’s disregard for the Lord. There were exceptions such as Job, who went through the worst of sufferings yet was the best of men, and in that, he pointed to Jesus. But, overall, trouble was the result of people’s sin, so we can understand why we might think that good people are trouble-free and bad people are not.

The Father does indeed mature us through hardships. We notice the wisdom of those who have endured through trials, and we are struck by the immaturity of those who try to keep suffering at bay through drugs, alcohol, porn, or some other self-soothing tactic. But we don’t make a one-to-one connection between a particular sin and a particular hardship. Jesus himself matured under hardship; we will too. As we suffer, our hearts are exposed. We can see where we put our trust: in people, money, pleasure, and power—or in God.

When we get God’s story right, our suffering confirms that we belong to him; it does not mean that he is distant and unresponsive. Suffering is a time when he is most obviously at work, and our spiritual task is to turn to him rather than try to manage our world our own way. Endurance in suffering doesn’t grab our attention, but it is a response so important that it will have value that lasts beyond death.

we look ahead to the time when everything will be made right. Christ will return, sin will be vanquished, death and everything connected to it will be dismissed. We will experience bodily resurrection and will live in peace with the triune God and with his people. Since there are so many other ways to tell the story of suffering, we practice the correct one, read Scripture’s various retellings, and read the accounts of wise people. As we grow in compassion, we need this story so that it can be translated into words.

Our best question will be this: “How can I pray for you?” Or simply, “Let’s pray now.”

We come alongside the sufferer and bring God and the suffering together. We bring light into claustrophobic darkness, where our friend might be alone and without hope. We remind her that God hears. We revisit the promises of God. And we do all this in a way that leads with compassion. That simple call to prayer is crammed with spiritual realities. Since it is so crammed, expect this request to be awkward at times, or hard, or impossible. Spiritual battles, previously in the background, now show themselves, which means we might find ourselves praying that we could say, “Let’s pray now.” But if we have practiced asking for prayer, we have already known spiritual power.

When we pray for comfort for someone, we pray specific prayers whenever possible. “Please, Lord, comfort Mary” is okay, but what kind of comfort is Mary asking for? When possible, we ask her what comfort she hopes to receive from the Lord. Comfort might mean simply that the storm of suffering would lessen, or it might mean that the suffering would be increasingly outweighed by the knowledge of Christ and what we have in him (2 Cor. 4:16)—or both.

Prayer for comfort eventually merges with prayer for faith. That is, comfort leads us back to the promises and presence of God, which we know by faith. Our friend might not ask us to pray for this, but Scripture keeps leading us to the best things. When we pray for faith, we pray to be able to see clearly and trust more fully. Without such vision, perseverance is impossible. “Lord, please give my friend eyes to see spiritual realities in her suffering.”

People facing trouble do not always ask for prayers to strengthen their faith, but a helper knows that this prayer will bless them. “I know that hard things can sometimes put our confidence in Jesus at a low ebb. How are you?” “How have you been doing spiritually during this?” “I will pray for your comfort and also for the Spirit to give you eyes to see Jesus and what Jesus gives you. Do you have any ideas of what specifically I could pray that the Spirit would give you?” Though these are ordinary things to ask for, such prayers will push you toward matters we talk about too rarely.

When we talk to our Father, we know that he hears, and we anticipate that he will do more than we imagine. He is not limited by our specific request but answers in a way that’s even better. In a similar way, we look to Scripture for ways to deepen and embellish our everyday prayers.

keep track of Scripture’s prayers and the ways we can pray for each other, the list includes prayer for wisdom (James 1:5), unity (John 17:29–31), fellowship and encouragement (1 Thess. 3:10), love and discernment (Phil. 1:9–10), knowledge of God’s will (Col. 1:9), perseverance (Col. 1:11), faith that lasts (Luke 22:32), fruitfulness (Col. 1:10), the fruits of the Spirit (Gal. 5:22–23), and the armor of God (Eph. 6:10). Any of these can be appropriate extensions to our daily petitions.

In an age of social media and twenty-four-hour news cycles, we are constantly confronted with massive human needs, and we can be overwhelmed with the number of people to pray for. To follow up with them all would be impossible. As a way to prioritize the needs, it is best for us to focus on people we actually see, those we can pray with. Identify one person, then two, perhaps three. Growth proceeds in small steps. Pray and follow up. Pray and follow up.

When suffering knocks on someone’s door, Satan too comes knocking. Life is a war zone, and Satan is the enemy strategist. He waits for those times when people are in the wilderness—vulnerable, desperate, and God seemingly far away or absent altogether. That’s when Satan’s questions about God’s character, which might seem silly during the good times, suddenly make sense. Why would anyone entertain Satan’s questions about God’s goodness when everything is good? But a few bumps in the road, and our knowledge of God seems fragile, and that’s what Satan is counting on.

Four Gardens We can become alert to Satan’s influence (and how to respond to it) by walking through four gardens depicted in Scripture: Eden, the destitute garden of the wilderness, Gethsemane, and the resurrection garden. These four places were venues for battle, and they alert us to Satan’s tactics.

Yet where God tests his children, Satan tempts (Gen. 3:1–5). “God isn’t so good. How could a good father forbid you to eat from such a lovely tree?” “You and your desires are good. Follow your feelings. What you want is good. Why would God make you with those desires and then keep you from satisfying them?” “Life apart from God will bless you. Freedom means fewer restraints.” There is one more feature of Satan’s strategies that comes after these initial temptations. Once we follow his lead, he condemns us: “You are so bad; God will never love and forgive you.” There he is in all his anti-glory, Satan, the accuser. He gets us coming and going. He promises freedom; he delivers slavery.

Jesus, the second Adam, walked out into a deadly wilderness, which is a garden cursed. He was showing us how to combat Satan’s schemes. Where everyone else had failed, a new champion had accepted the challenge and was committed to changing the master story. The Spirit immediately drove him out into the wilderness. And he was in the wilderness forty days, being tempted by Satan. And he was with the wild animals, and the angels were ministering to him. (Mark 1:12–13; also Matt. 4:1–11; Luke 4:1–13) Jesus then did what no one else had done: he trusted in the words of God and dismissed the lies of Satan, even when it meant more suffering and even death. Satan’s strategies were variations on his old ways. He appealed to Jesus’s senses—his desires—and he suggested that God the Father was the one who needed to be tested. Although forty days without food, Jesus never wavered. He knew exactly how suffering works. Suffering has the old scent of rebellion in it. Whenever Satan smells it, he comes to stir up trouble and hover until the body is dead so he can claim it as his own. Jesus was prepared and armed. He knew Scripture. Now, since we have the Spirit, the Word, and prayer, we can be hopeful and stand firm against Satan as we go through our daily wildernesses.