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Did you take the time to talk with former members, and read critical literature about the group, before you joined, in order to make up your own mind? Is this something you’d be willing to do now?
If you make it through all the above questions and feel reasonably comfortable that the person was being straight with you—and you’re still genuinely interested in learning more about the group—I strongly suggest you do two more things before attending any program: 1) ask other members of the group the same questions, and see if you get consistent answers, and 2) research the group intensively online.
If everything seems to look okay, go to the program with a trusted friend who is both skeptical and assertive. This way you will have someone you trust to discuss what you see and hear. If the group is a destructive cult, at the program, members will try to find some convenient way to separate you from your friend. “Divide and conquer” is the rule. This may seem quite spontaneous and benign, but it is neither. Typically, one cult member will start talking to your friend, while another will question you. At first you and your friend will be standing next to each other; within minutes you will
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If you find yourself in an indoctrination session, stand up and announce loudly that you don’t like being manipulated and controlled. The louder you speak, the faster you will be escorted from the room. Several other people might also jump at the opportunity to leave with you.
To his credit, George never doubted his parents’ love for him—nor, deep down, his love for them. But he had been taught that people were either part of God—that is, members of BCC—or on the side of Satan.
They would need to reassure him that they were not trying to hurt him, or take him away from God. All they wanted was for him to have access to information about the Boston Church of Christ that he otherwise would never hear. They would ask him to pray, and tell him they trusted that his faith in the power of God was stronger than his fear of Satan.
Next I described what it was like for me inside the Moonies. Back then, many people had a negative view of the Moonies (except Moonies themselves, of course), so telling my own story usually helped to minimize any thought-stopping and defensiveness. The parallels between groups become blatantly apparent, and the person I’m speaking with usually makes a lot of connections without prompting.
Since cults lure people into what amounts to a psychological trap, my job as a counselor is to show a cult member four things. First, I demonstrate to them that they are in a trap—a situation where they are psychologically disabled and don’t feel able to leave. Second, I show them that they didn’t originally choose to enter a trap. Third, I point out that other people in other mind control groups are also trapped. Fourth, I tell the person that it is possible to escape from the trap.
Family members learn how to build rapport and trust, and how to plant questions in the cult member’s mind.
A family’s love is a much stronger force than the conditional love given by cult members and leaders. A healthy family’s love supports one’s right to grow into an autonomous adult and make one’s own life decisions. In contrast, a cult’s love attempts to keep a person a dependent adolescent—and that love may well be withdrawn if the person makes their own decisions or fails to follow the leader’s orders.
When I counsel a cult member, I never try to take the group away from them—or to take them permanently away from the group. If I did, they would only feel threatened, and rightly so. Instead, I always look for ways for them to grow, by offering different perspectives and possibilities. I help people to see choices they didn’t know existed, then encourage them to do what they think is best for themselves. Throughout this process, I also do whatever I can to let them feel in control.
Cult indoctrination downloads a mind control virus—a virus that can be cured. Once the virus is gone, a person’s mental and emotional hardware can be repaired, and the person’s real self can come forward once again and integrate the cult experiences, hopefully in a healthy way.
I focus on the process of change. What this means is that how people come to change is more important than what or why they change.
Then she asked me about my spiritual life. That gave me all the opening I needed to launch into my experience in the Moonies—how I came to believe that God was speaking through my leaders, and how I couldn’t doubt, ask critical questions, or even leave the group. I explained phobia indoctrination. I explained how I was finally able to imagine a future for myself outside of the group only because I had met so many former Moonies who were still good, very spiritual people after they left.
Maybe I can help members of other cults.
Clearly, understanding mind control and destructive cults was not enough for Alan. He needed an alternative environment, and the whole family needed a good deal of personal and family counseling.
In addition, I’ve learned that three full days of counseling is necessary for success. The only people I have been unsuccessful with went back to their cults without giving their families three full days’ time, or were married or had family still in the group.
It is also important for former cult members and their families not to view everything that happened inside a mind control cult as negative. Sometimes people learn important skills. Sometimes they meet good people, who eventually also leave the group, and a good post-cult relationship evolves. I always encourage people to remember the good and take it with them when they decide to leave.
Leaving a cult also affords a unique opportunity to sit “naked” with yourself and analyze everything you ever knew or believed in. Such a process can be liberating, and also quite terrifying. It is a chance to start your life all over again.
Lorna started to sob uncontrollably. She felt she had failed as a parent. Something must have been lacking in Nancy’s life that would allow her to join a cult. Lorna began to mentally review every significant incident in Nancy’s life that might have made her so susceptible.
Meanwhile, my parents felt this way about my leaving the cult.
The most common problem is that family members typically feel an excessive amount of guilt and shame. People blame themselves because of their loved one’s cult involvement. This can be one of the greatest hindrances to positive, effective action. People need to know that they are not at fault.
Another mistake is that people often emotionally overreact to the cult involvement. This can be even more dangerous than doing nothing. A person can get driven further into a cult by hysterical tirades and inappropriate uses of words like “cult” and “brainwashing.” Getting emotionally aggressive with a cult member almost always backfires.
One other common error is trying to argue the person out of their cult involvement by using a condescending, confrontational approach. This direct approach is doomed to failure. Rational argumentation is simply not effective with someone who has been indoctrinated through mind control. Add condescension or arrogance, and you are playing right into the cult recruiter’s hands.
Similarly, it is important not to blame someone for being recruited into a cult. Instead, you need to regard what happene...
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The overall objective should be this: Do everything within your power to create the necessary conditions to help the cult member change and grow. Keep this objective in mind at all times when deciding what to do or say.
Notice that your objective should not be rescuing the person from the group. People leave destructive cults as a natural consequence of changing and growing. If people are focused on positive growth, there will be less resistance, and everyone’s efforts will be more effective.
Your efforts to help the person you care about shouldn’t be at the expense of your (or anyone else’s) health. This is particularly true if the cult member has been involved for many years, and efforts to help them are complex and protracted.
Consistent communication with the cult member is usually better than sporadic contact. Send a little card or note once a week, every week. This is far better than writing a 14-page letter one week and then missing the next month. Short notes, texts, emails and letters about home and shared positive experiences are also good. Ask the cult member to call, whatever the time and wherever they are, if they wish to talk and do not have their own phone.
In my opinion, the best cult counselors are people who were once cult members themselves. They know what it feels like to be under mind control.
Once you’ve accomplished all the preliminary preparations, it is important to make one-month, three-month, six-month, and one-year plans. Although rescue efforts should be undertaken as soon as possible, they also should not be rushed. Most require weeks or months of advance planning. In some cases, plans are finalized, but cannot be put into operation until a good opportunity presents itself.
It may seem that helping a cult member to go through personal changes is a long and circuitous way to help them break free of their group.
This is how I broke free. I started having non-JW goals.
It is vital to recognize that the only way to get people permanently out of destructive cults is to help them get back in touch with their real selves. This is your long-term objective. Only then can they start growing toward new personal goals that mean something to them.
While keeping this long-term objective in mind, everyone concerned with helping a cult member should also focus attention on three short-term objectives: The first is building rapport and trust. Without trust, nothing you do will be effective. The second is gathering information about how the cult member thinks, feels, and views reality. The third is planting seeds of doubt about the cult and promoting a new perspective.
A curious yet concerned posture is the most effective stance anyone can take in relating to the cult member. It is relatively easy to elicit rapport and trust when you are genuinely curious, because all you are doing is asking questions in a non-judgmental way. Because you care about the person, you want to know everything that is important to them.
If the cult member tries to give credit to the group for positive aspects of their life, like no longer using pot or drinking excessively, tell them you think that is great—but remind them that you think they deserve the credit for the positive changes, not the group.
Evaluate your present relationship with the person. Do the two of you have a great deal of natural rapport and trust? If not, start thinking about ways you can build or rebuild the relationship. Remember, the more the person feels connected to people outside of the cult, the better off they will be. They will always be closer to some people than others, but everyone should be making a natural effort to get closer to the person. Coordinate the flow of communication to the cult member. It wouldn’t seem natural if ten people suddenly e-mailed them on the same day. Avoid anything that looks too
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Also do not send the person money, particularly cash, because it will most likely be turned over to the group. It is far better to send clothes, pictures, books and other gi...
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Ask the member what you can do to better understand them or build your relationship with them. Ask them to be specific. Try your best to accommodate their needs, but act sensibly.
If they ask you to read one of the group’s books, tell them that you would be willing to do a swap; ask them to read a book that you recommend. If they tell you they want you to stop criticizing their group, ask them how you can communicate your questions and concerns without seeming critical.
I know of several cases where people invited a cult member to go with them on a trip overseas, during which they were able to provide counseling.
Once rapport with the cult member is built, it will be much easier to gather information from them about the cult, their life in it, and their feelings about it. The more information you collect, the more you will be able to know what is going on inside their mind.
If they say that they don’t know the answers to some of your questions, you can gently point out that you are concerned that if they don’t know the answers, they may have made a commitment to the group before they were ready to do so.
Remember that you want to connect with and empower the person’s real self, not the cult self. Reminding them of earlier positive life experiences is the most effective way to do this.
Whenever you communicate with the cult member, always concentrate on just one or two points each time. It is better to make one point thoroughly than to try a shotgun approach.
Gently but firmly point out the contradiction: Was Rev. Josiah being untruthful? Did you misunderstand? Help me understand, because I’m confused. In a non-threatening tone, force the cult member to have to think about the contradiction.
Above all, don’t send the cult member unsolicited articles that are critical of their group, as Roger Marlowe did. This typically does more harm than good.
