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Emotionally Intelligent Marriages
What can make a marriage work is surprisingly simple. Happily married couples aren’t smarter, richer, or more psychologically astute than others. But in their day-to-day lives, they have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and
They have what I call an emotionally intelligent marriage.
an unhappy marriage can increase your chances of getting sick by roughly 35 percent and even shorten your life by an average of four to eight years.
Not only do happily married people avoid this drop in immune function, but their immune systems may even be getting an extra boost.
It is clearly harmful to raise kids in a home that is consumed by hostility. A peaceful divorce is preferable to endless marital warfare.
When it comes to judging the effectiveness of marital therapy, it seems that the one-year mark is a pivotal point. Usually by then the couples who are going to relapse after therapy already have. Those who retain the benefits of therapy through the first year tend to continue them long-term.
even if they do make your fights “better” or less frequent, these strategies are not enough to save your marriage. You need all Seven Principles.
Exploding More Myths About Marriage
The notion that you can save your relationship just by learning to communicate more sensitively is probably the most widely held misconception about happy marriages
Couples simply have different styles of conflict. Some avoid fights at all costs, some argue a lot, and some are able to talk out their differences and find a compromise without ever raising their voices.
No one style is necessarily better than another—as long as the style works for both people.
At the heart of the Seven Principles approach is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship.
“positive sentiment override,”
Their positivity causes them to feel optimistic about each other and their marriage, to have positive expectations about their lives together, and to give each other the benefit of the doubt.
“negative sentiment override.” Everything gets interpreted in an increasingly negative manner. Words said in a neutral tone of voice are taken personally.
As partners increasingly come to know and bond with each other, they build what I call their Sound Relationship House. The Seven Principles comprise the Sound Relationship House’s many floors or levels. These principles are intricately connected to trust and commitment, which form the house’s protective, weight-bearing walls.
Repairs: A Happy Couple’s Secret Weapon
Rediscovering or reinvigorating friendship doesn’t prevent couples from arguing, but it does give them a secret weapon that ensures their quarrels don’t get out of hand.
repair attempt. This term refers to any statement or action—silly or otherwise—that prevents negativity from escalating out of control.
The success or failure of a couple’s repair attempts is one of the primary factors in whether their marriage is likely to flourish or flounder.
The Purpose of Marriage
In the strongest marriages, husband and wife share a deep sense of meaning.
most marital arguments cannot be resolved.
How I Predict Divorce
When a discussion leads off this way—with criticism and/or sarcasm, which is a form of contempt—it has begun with a “harsh start-up.”
Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.
there’s a world of difference between complaint and criticism. A complaint focuses on a specific behavior or event.
it has three parts: (1) Here’s how I feel (“I’m really angry”); (2) About a very specific situation (“you didn’t sweep last night”); (3) And here’s what I need/want/prefer (“Could you do it now?”).
In contrast, a criticism is global and expresses negative feelings or opinions about the other’s character or personality: “Why are you so forgetful? I hate having to always sweep the kitchen floor when it’s your turn. You just don’t care.”
The second horseman arises from a sense of superiority over one’s partner. It is a form of disrespect.
sarcasm and cynicism are types of contempt. So are name-calling, eye-rolling, mockery, and hostile humor.
it conveys disgust.
Contempt is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about the partner. You’re more likely to have such thoughts if your differences are not resolved.
defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner.
Horseman 4: Stonewalling.
The Third Sign: Flooding
Usually people stonewall as a protection against feeling psychologically and physically overwhelmed, a sensation we call flooding.
Recurring episodes of flooding lead to divorce for two reasons. First, they signal that at least one partner feels severe emotional distress when dealing with the other. Second, the physical sensations of feeling flooded—the increased heart rate, sweating, and so on—make it virtually impossible to have a productive, problem-solving discussion.
Frequently feeling flooded leads almost inevitably to emotional distancing, which in turn leads to feeling lonely.
The Fifth Sign: Failed Repair Attempts
Repair attempts, as I described on this page, are efforts the couple makes (“Let’s take a break,” “Wait, I need to calm down”) to de-escalate the tension during a touchy discussion—to put on the brakes so that they can prevent flooding.
Repair attempts save marriages not just because they decrease emotional tension between spouses,
but because by lowering the stress level they also prevent your heart from racing and...
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The more contemptuous and defensive the couple are with each other, the more flooding occurs, and the harder it is to hear and respond to a repair.
And since the repair is not heard, the contempt and defensiveness just get heightened, making flooding more pronounced, which makes it more difficult to hear the next repair attempt, until finally one partner withdraws.
The Sixth Sign: Bad Memories
there are four final stages that signal the death knell of a relationship.
The warning signs were almost always there early on if they had known what to look for. You can see the seeds of trouble in (1) what partners actually say to each other (the prevalence of harsh start-up, the four horsemen, and the unwillingness to accept influence), (2) the failure of their repair attempts, (3) physiological reactions (flooding), or (4) pervasive negative thoughts about their marriage.
