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“Unplugging” from Distractions The task: Maintaining connection and intimacy amid the distractions of the Internet Age.
Less frequent sex.
Less sexual communication.
Less mutually satisfying sex.
Increased risk of betrayal.
Stress and More Stress
Scheduling formal griping sessions can prevent the spillover of everyday stress into your marriage.
The solution: Acknowledge that at the end of a long, stressful day you may need time to yourselves to decompress before interacting with each other.
Build time to unwind into your daily schedule. Make it a ritual, whether it entails lying on your bed and watching silly videos, going for a jog, or meditating. Of course, some couples find that the easiest way to relax is to enlist each other’s help.
Relations with In-Laws
The task: Establishing a sense of “we-ness,” or solidarity.
The solution: The only way out of this dilemma is for the husband to side with his wife against his mother.
He and his wife need to establish their own family rituals, values, and lifestyle and insist that his mother (and father) respect them.
The solution: Some clearheaded budgeting is called for.
Housework
The task: Creating a sense of fairness and teamwork.
women find a man’s willingness to do housework extremely erotic.
The key is not the actual amount he does but his wife’s subjective view of whether it’s enough.
Becoming Parents
The task: Expanding your sense of “we-ness” to include your children.
A baby sets off seismic changes in a marriage. Unfortunately, most of the time those changes are for the worse.
The answer to his dilemma is simple: He can’t get his wife back—he has to follow her into the new realm she has entered. Only then can their marriage continue to grow.
Focus on your marital friendship. Before the baby comes, make sure that you really understand each other and your respective worlds intimately. The more of a team you are now, the easier the transition will be.
Don’t exclude Dad from baby care.
Let Dad be baby’s playmate.
Give Mom a break.
Sex
The task: Fundamental appreciation and acceptance of each other.
The solution: Learn to talk to each other about sex in a way that lets each partner feel safe.
Five Ways to Make Sex More Personal and Romantic
1. REDEFINE WHAT YOU MEAN BY “SEX.”
Stop thinking that sex is about orgasm and consider everything positive that happens between you as part of sex.
2. LEARN HOW TO TALK ABOUT “IT.”
how to make a good thing better.
Be patient with each other.
Don’t take it personally.
What felt good last time? Can you recall some good moments of sex between us? What did you feel about our nonsexual affection, touching, caressing, kissing, or massage? What did we do that turned you on? What did we do that made you feel closer to me? What made you feel relaxed? What made you feel ready for touch and sensuality? What made you feel connected to me? What made you in touch with your body? What made you able to surrender and let go? What do you need to make sex better? What do you need to put you in the mood? Do you like feeling that we have “all the time in the world”? How do you
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5. LEARN HOW TO INITIATE SEX—AND TO REFUSE IT GENTLY.
The key to making “yes” and “no” feel less loaded is to have an agreed-upon ritual in your relationship for navigating sex.
Refusing Sex Gently
If you’re not in the mood, let your partner down softly.
Coping with “No”
Principle 6: Overcome Gridlock
All couples have some irreconcilable differences. But when partners can’t find a way to accommodate these perpetual disagreements, the result is gridlock.
Whether they seem important or petty to outsiders, all gridlocked disagreements share four characteristics. You’ll know you’ve reached gridlock if: 1. You’ve had the same argument again and again with no resolution. 2. Neither of you can address the issue with humor, empathy, or affection. 3. The issue is becoming increasingly polarizing as time goes on. 4. Compromise seems impossible because it would mean selling out—giving up something important and core to your beliefs, values, or sense of self.
gridlock is a sign that you each have dreams for your life that the other isn’t aware of, hasn’t acknowledged, or doesn’t respect. By dreams I mean the hopes, aspirations, and wishes that are part of your identity and give purpose and meaning to your life.
The difference is that the happy couples are aware of each other’s dreams and consider helping each other realize them to be one of the goals of marriage.
One good indicator that you’re wrestling with a hidden dream is that you consider your spouse to be the source of the marital difficulty.
Working on a Gridlocked Marital Issue
To get started, choose a particular gridlocked conflict to work on. Then write an explanation of your position. Don’t criticize or blame your spouse.
