The Like Switch: An Ex-FBI Agent's Guide to Influencing, Attracting, and Winning People Over (The Like Switch Series Book 1)

by Jack Schafer

increasing his eye contact, raising his eyebrows, tilting his head, and jutting out his chin, which are all nonverbal signs that scientists have discovered are interpreted by the human brain as “friend signals.”

A head tilt is a strong friend signal. People who tilt their heads when they interact with others are seen as more trustworthy and more attractive. Women see men who approach them with their head slightly canted to one side or the other as more handsome.

Furthermore, people who tilt their heads toward the person they are talking with are seen as more friendly, kind, and honest as compared with individuals whose heads remain upright when they talk.

When we smile at other people, it is very difficult for them not to smile back. This return smile causes the target of your smile to feel good about themselves, and, as we will learn in a later chapter, if you make people feel good about themselves, they will like you.

Pupil dilation is most noticeable in people with blue eyes. People who have dark eyes appear more exotic because their eyes appear to be dilated all the time.

Experiments have shown that even a light, brief touch on the arm during a brief social encounter between strangers has both immediate and lasting positive effects. Polite requests for help or directions, for example, produce more positive results when accompanied by a light touch on the arm.

If you touch a person’s hand and they pull away, even slightly, the person being touched is not yet ready to intensify the relationship. Pulling away does not necessarily signal rejection. It means that you will have to build more rapport with your person of interest before advancing the relationship.

A risk-free way to measure the strength of a new relationship is to “accidentally” touch or brush against the hand of your person of interest. Most people will tolerate an accidental touch, even if they don’t like the person touching them, but they will unconsciously send nonverbal signals indicating the acceptance or rejection of the touch. Watch for these nonverbal displays and proceed accordingly.

Isopraxism is the fancy term for “mirroring,” a nonverbal practice that can be used to make friendship development easier and more effective.

People tend to lean toward individuals they like and distance themselves from people they don’t like.

If you see two people who are facing each other—each with their feet pointing toward the other person—they are telegraphing the message that their conversation is private. Stay away. They do not want outsiders to interrupt. On the other hand, if two people are facing each other with their feet askew, this leaves an “opening” and sends the message that they are willing to admit a new person to their group.

Confident people are more liked than people who are not self-assured. Even if you don’t feel confident, fake it as best you can.

While you are listening, you should slightly nod your head. Nodding signals approval and interest in what the other individuals are saying and also sends the message that you are confident, not arrogant.

In studying how people acquire new skills, scientists have discovered that many novices experience a period of “free fall” early in the learning experience. During this time, individuals are not comfortable using the new skills and become frustrated or embarrassed when the skills do not work as advertised. Instead of continuing to practice the skills, they give up.

At the beginning of my lectures, I intentionally make several mistakes that don’t damage my credibility, such as mispronouncing a word or misspelling a word on the whiteboard. The participants immediately correct my small errors. With a show of embarrassment, I graciously accept the correction and credit the participants for being attentive. This technique accomplishes several objectives. First, the participants making the corrections feel good about themselves, which builds rapport and friendship. Second, participants are more likely to spontaneously interact during the lecture without the fear of looking stupid in front of the instructor. After all, they reason, it’s okay to make mistakes because the instructor already has made several himself. Third, minor mistakes make me look human. People like lecturers who are subject matter experts yet at the same time possess human qualities similar to the seminar participants

The Golden Rule of Friendship—If you want people to like you, make them feel good about themselves—can

If every time you meet a person you make them feel good about themselves, he or she will seek out every opportunity to see you again to experience those same good feelings. The stumbling block many of my fellow agents confronted in achieving this objective is the same one we all encounter: our own ego. People’s egos get in the way of practicing the Golden Rule of Friendship. Most people think the world revolves around them and they should be the center of attention. But if you want to appear friendly and attractive to others, you must forgo your ego and pay attention to the other person and his or her particular needs and circumstances. Other people will like you when you make them (not you) the focus of attention.

When you are struggling for something to say, fall back on the empathic statement. All you have to remember is the last thing the person said and construct an empathic statement based on that information. The speaker will carry the conversation, giving you time to think of something meaningful to say.

The key to allowing people to compliment themselves is to construct a dialogue that predisposes people to recognize their attributes or accomplishments and give themselves a silent pat on the back.

What I have discovered is when you make other people feel good about themselves (the Golden Rule of Friendship) you not only get people to like you, there’s also a collateral benefit; they want to make you feel good as well.

When you behave in a manner that produces curiosity in another person, it significantly increases the chances that individual will want to interact with you in an attempt to satisfy their curiosity. Thus, a “curiosity hook” becomes an effective tool to meet a person of interest and develop a friendship.

Once a person discovers that another person likes them, they find that person more attractive. People tend to reciprocate the same feelings others extend to them.

The next time someone thanks you for something, don’t say, “You’re welcome.” Instead, say, “I know you’d do the same thing for me.” This response invokes reciprocity. The other person is now predisposed to help you when you ask them for a favor.

It seems that adult life doesn’t change all that much from high school. If you want to be “popular,” you still need to hang out with the popular people. In a business situation this means always try to “friend up,” not down. Who you associate with matters. If you want to be seen as successful, you need to hang out with successful people.

People like to associate with individuals who display high levels of self-esteem. Thus, such individuals have an easier time attracting others and making friends. Individuals with high levels of self-esteem are also self-confident and comfortable with being the center of attention. They are also comfortable with self-disclosure, which is a building block in creating close personal relationships. To people with high self-esteem, rejection is part of life, not a reflection on their self-worth. Conversely, people with low self-esteem are reluctant to disclose personal information. Their inability to make self-disclosures serves as a defense mechanism to guard against criticism and rejection. Self-disclosure is the path to closer personal relationships; unfortunately, for a person with low self-esteem it is the “path less traveled.” Ironically, it is the fear of self-disclosure that can lead to the rejection a person with low self-esteem is trying to avoid.

An individual should not always make him or herself readily available to the person they are targeting for a longer-term relationship. A certain level of unavailability will make you more of a mystery and a challenge.

When two people meet and do not immediately like one another, especially in a romantic context, and then bond at a later time, they form a closer relationship than if they had hit it off immediately.

Extroverts get their energy from being with other people and seek stimulation from their environments. Extroverts often speak spontaneously without thinking. They do not hesitate to use a trial-and-error method to arrive at a decision. Conversely, introverts expend energy when they engage socially and seek alone time to recharge their batteries. Introverts seek stimulation from within and seldom speak without thinking. They also carefully weigh options before making decisions.

One method to determine if a person is an extrovert is to begin a sentence and deliberately pause for a few seconds. Extroverts will generally complete the sentence for you. Introverts will not.

The more you can encourage the other person to speak, the more you listen to what they say, display empathy, and respond positively when reacting to their comments, the greater the likelihood that person will feel good about themselves (Golden Rule of Friendship) and like you as a result.

The “I’m right and you’re wrong” paradigm forces people to assume a defensive posture to protect their egos or reputations, or for myriad other reasons. A person who is forced into a defensive posture by such statements is less likely to consider new ideas, let alone adopt them.

people seldom take into account the benefit of sharing the glory: goodwill. Glory has a short expiration date; goodwill has a long shelf life.

LOVE (Listen, Observe, Vocalize, and Empathize).

Giving a person the opportunity to talk, listening to what they say without interruption, and giving nonverbal cues that what they say is of interest to you can make a huge difference, whether it be in gaining a patient’s trust or a person’s friendship.

The trick is to change their mind before they have an opportunity to articulate their opposition. Once an opinion or decision is expressed out loud, changing a person’s mind becomes more difficult due to the psychological principle of consistency.

I often see lip biting when I lecture. I’ll take it as a signal to construct an empathic statement such as “It looks like you want to add something to the conversation,” to encourage the students to express themselves. Most students are surprised that I can read their minds and they feel good about themselves because I’m paying attention to them.

You can be right without wronging someone. Instead of asserting your right to be right, ask people for their advice. That allows them to be part of the decision-making process. Additionally, they feel good about themselves because you came to them to seek their advice,

People have a need to be right, but people have a stronger need to correct others. The need to be correct and/or to correct others is almost irresistible. Making presumptive statements is an elicitation technique that presents a fact that can be either right or wrong. If the presumptive is correct, people will affirm the fact and often provide additional information. If the presumptive is wrong, people will provide the correct answer, usually accompanied by a detailed explanation as to why it is correct.

To find out what your loved one really thinks about cheating, you need to approach the topic from a third-person perspective.

You can be almost certain, for example, that if you eat out at a restaurant during prime dinner hours, your server will be rushed. Simply saying, “Boy, you look busy!” will usually bring an affirmative response and, along with it, superior service. The individual you spoke with appreciates that you noticed them and recognized the work challenge they face.

If I can build rapport with you I can be relatively certain you will like me. It’s that simple.

When a woman gives a man a light touch, the only safe assumption he can make is that she likes him, and nothing more. This male tendency to assume a woman’s touch is a sexual invitation often damages budding relationships, often beyond repair.

People who are psychologically connected mirror one another’s body gestures. Intentionally mirroring another individual’s body language promotes rapport. When you first meet someone, you’ll want to mirror his or her gestures to establish rapport. At some point during the conversation, you can test your rapport with the other person by using the lead-and-follow technique. Heretofore, you have been mirroring the other person. Now you want to see if they mirror your gestures, signaling rapport. Change your body position. If you have established rapport, the other person should mirror you within twenty to thirty seconds.

Individuals lean toward people or things they like and distance themselves from those they don’t. People who are in good rapport lean toward one another.

A person’s feet will often point in another direction to subconsciously telegraph a desire to leave.

A good way to test for rapport is to look for barriers that individuals place and/or remove between themselves and other people.

Angry individuals are not open to solutions when they are mad, because their ability to think logically is impaired.

The body takes about twenty minutes to return to normal after a full fight or flight response. In other words, angry people need time to calm down before they can think clearly again. Angry people will not completely comprehend any explanations, solutions, or problem-solving options until they can think logically again.

Once angry people vent their frustrations, they become more open to solutions because they think more clearly when they are less angry.

When you ask someone a direct yes-or-no question and they begin their answer with the “Well,” there is a high probability of deception.