More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
Trapped in a conflict from which he could see no way out—a fight that consumed his time and resources—Abilio felt angry and frustrated.
Three actions can help. First, see yourself from the “balcony.” Second, go deeper and listen with empathy to your underlying feelings for what they are really telling you. Third, go even deeper and uncover your underlying needs.
whenever you feel yourself triggered by a passing thought, emotion, or sensation, you have a simple choice: to identify or get identified. You can observe the thought and “identify” it.
UNCOVER YOUR NEEDS If you listen to your feelings, particularly recurrent ones of dissatisfaction, you will find that they point you in the direction of unmet concerns and interests. Properly interpreted, they can help you uncover your deepest needs.
In negotiation, the magic question to uncover your true interests and needs is: “Why?” “Why do I want this?” One valuable practice is to keep asking yourself why—as many times as necessary—until you get down to your bedrock need.
Among our basic psychological needs, two universal ones stand out in particular. One is protection, or safety, which promises the absence of pain. Another is connection, or love, which promises the presence of pleasure. How can we protect and connect? Since life is, by nature, insecure and since love often feels insufficient, it is not always easy for us to meet these needs fully. But we can begin the process.
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself as I am, then I change.”
The blame game is the core pattern of almost every destructive conflict I have ever witnessed. The husband blames the wife and vice versa. Management blames the union and vice versa. One political enemy blames the other and vice versa. Blaming usually triggers feelings of anger or shame in the other, which provokes counterblame. And on it goes.
But, as I have witnessed in countless conflicts over the years, the costs of the blame game are huge. It escalates disputes needlessly and prevents us from resolving them. It poisons relationships and wastes valuable time and energy. Perhaps most insidiously, it undermines our power: when we blame others for what is wrong in the relationship—whether it is a marital dispute, an office spat, or a superpower clash—we are dwelling on their power and our victimhood. We are overlooking whatever part we may have played in the conflict and are ignoring our freedom to choose how to respond. We are
...more
The opposite of the blame game is to take responsibility. By responsibility, I mean “response-ability”—the ability to respond constructively to a situation facing us, treating it as ours to handle.
Whether what happens to us is pure accident or not, we are the decisive factor in our life: we may not always be able to choose our circumstances, but we are able to choose our responses to them.
each of us has the ability to reframe the guiding question from “Who is to blame?” to “What do we have to learn?”
If the blame game lies at the root of most of the conflicts I have ever witnessed, taking responsibility for the relationship lies at the root of most of the truly successful resolutions I have ever seen.
By taking responsibility for your relationship, you reclaim your power to change it.
Your inner BATNA is your commitment to stop blaming yourself, others, and life itself for your dissatisfactions no matter what.
The more we need another person to satisfy our needs, the more power that individual has over us, the more dependent and needy we are likely to behave.
The key lesson is that responsibility equals power, power to meet your deepest needs.
First, remember your connection to life. Second, remember your power to make your own happiness. Third, learn to appreciate the lessons that life brings you.
In my work as a mediator, I have found that one of the most effective negotiating strategies is to look for creative ways to “expand the pie” before dividing it up.
The outer satisfaction of a good agreement usually only brings temporary inner satisfaction. True enduring satisfaction starts inside. From inner satisfaction comes outer satisfaction that then feeds back inner satisfaction—and so on in a virtuous circle that begins from within.
There may be no better gateway to happiness than cultivating our gratitude.
Life can be extremely challenging at times, but we can choose whether or not to see the challenges as being ultimately in our favor. We can choose to learn from these challenges, even the most difficult ones.
If we want to get to yes in a sensitive situation, the key is to look for the present opportunity, the chance to steer the conversation toward a yes,
The first beneficiary of forgiveness, after all, is ourselves. Resentment and anger tend to consume us and hurt us perhaps much more even than they hurt the other. Holding on to old resentments makes about as much sense as carrying our bags while traveling on a train; it only tires us out needlessly.
To accept our past, it helps to reframe our stories and give a positive meaning to even the most difficult life events. We may have no power to change the past, but we do have the power to change the meaning we assign to it.
Michel de Montaigne noted four centuries ago: “My life has been full of terrible misfortunes most of which never happened.”
Our bodies do not distinguish between real threats and imagined threats as they gear up for fight or flight, so in the great majority of situations, a little bit of perspective can go a long way in helping us let go of fear.
Your commitment to take care of your needs and your confidence that life is on your side will give you a sense that, no matter what happens in the future, everything will be okay in the end.
“That the birds of worry and care fly over your head, this you cannot change, but that they build nests in your hair, this you can prevent.”
“do I not destroy my enemies when I turn them into my friends?”
As the hostage negotiators demonstrate, accepting people who reject or attack us doesn’t mean ignoring injustice or evil, but rather giving respect to their humanity even as we confront their wrongful actions.
Giving lies at the heart of cooperation. It is a behavior but it originates inside of us as a basic attitude toward others.
I have watched again and again people learn cooperative negotiation techniques only to revert to win-lose behavior the moment they face a real conflict.
In his groundbreaking book Give and Take, professor Adam Grant of Wharton Business School presents an impressive array of evidence from academic studies that the most successful people in life, perhaps surprisingly, are “givers,” not “takers.” It is, of course, important to be intelligent in one’s giving and mindful of those who merely take, otherwise you may end up doing yourself a disservice.
The most successful negotiators I know tend to be people who focus on addressing the interests and needs of their counterparts at the same time as looking after their own needs.
Perhaps the most enduring way to strengthen our attitude of giving is to find a purpose or activity that makes us a natural giver.
1. Put Yourself in Your Shoes. Can you notice the inner critic at work—and simply observe your thoughts and feelings without judging? What underlying needs do your feelings point to? What do you really need? 2. Develop Your Inner BATNA. Are you blaming anyone or anything for your needs not being met? What benefit does this blame provide you—and what are the costs? Can you commit to take care of your deepest needs no matter what? 3. Reframe Your Picture. Do you feel like life is in some way against you? How can you make your own happiness today? If life is challenging, can you nonetheless
...more
