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Holding on to the past is not only self-destructive because it distracts us from reaching a mutually satisfying agreement, but it also takes away our joy and even harms our health. And it affects those around us who are our biggest supporters in life. Watching us hold on to the past and poison our present takes away their joy and well-being. It is a loss for everyone.
Accepting life as it is does not mean resigning ourselves to the way things are. In fact, constructive change starts from accepting reality regardless of how painful it might be—not from losing time and energy resisting it.
Having examined our attitude toward life, it is time to examine our attitude toward others.
mean “re” as in repeat and “spect” as in spectacles. In this sense, respect means to “look again.” It is to see the other person with new eyes as a human being worthy of positive regard.
To offer respect, we don’t need to approve of the other person’s behavior, nor do we need to like that individual. We just need to make the conscious choice to treat each person with the dignity that is every human being’s birthright, as difficult as this may be for us. Respect shows up as a behavior but it originates inside of us as an attitude
We cannot truly respect others without respecting ourselves at the same time.
Three specific actions can help you strengthen your attitude of respect: Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Expand your circle of respect. And, as the opening poem suggests, respect even those who at first may reject you.
Typically, I have observed in my negotiation work, we listen to others from within our frame of reference, judging what they say from our point of view. With an attitude of genuine respect, we can practice the art of listening to others from within their frame of reference, from their own points of view. We can listen not just to the words, but also to the feelings and unspoken thoughts that lie behind the words.
The only remedy I know for the wound of rejection and exclusion is the balm of recognition and acceptance—in other words, inclusion. Whether it is a family feud or an ethnic conflict or workplace tension, the way we can begin to resolve the conflict is to change our attitude and consciously expand our circle of respect to encompass others whom at first we might not want or think to include.
What if the person on the other side of the table rejects us, as happens so often in conflict situations? When we feel rejected—our point of view dismissed or attacked, our needs and interests ignored—our every instinct is to protect ourselves: to pull back and reject back. It is only human to build defensive walls around ourselves if we feel attacked. Yet, when we counterattack with more rejection and disrespect, we only perpetuate the destructive cycle and render agreement impossible.
