Getting to Yes with Yourself: (and Other Worthy Opponents)

by William Ury

That move is to put yourself in your own shoes first.

“To observe without evaluating is the highest form of intelligence.”

Or consider keeping a daily journal. I find that writing down my feelings and thoughts, even if only for a few minutes, keeps me on the balcony and helps me uncover patterns that I would not see in the rush of life. Try it out and you will begin to see and listen to yourself more clearly and understand yourself better.

The journey from self-judgment to self-understanding takes hard and continual work.

The opposite of the blame game is to take responsibility.

Taking responsibility means taking responsibility for your life and your relationships.

If our life is a play, we may not be the playwright, but we can choose to be the director. We can interpret the play as we choose, able to portray ourselves either as victims of destiny or as the captains of our fate.

When faced with adversity, we can either blame others or life for our current circumstances or we can become curious and ask ourselves what lesson life is bringing us.

In the end, others’ shortcomings must be considered their problem, not yours.

Rather than get lost in the blame game, it is more useful to realize that it takes two to create the mess—and only one to begin to transform the relationship. By taking responsibility for your relationship, you reclaim your power to change it.

Although every protective instinct urged us to go around the pain, the key lesson we learned is that the way forward is through.

The best way to change the game is to change the frame.

The less needy we feel, the less conflict there will be and the easier it will be for us to get to yes in challenging situations.

I used to believe that gratitude for life came from being happy, but I have come to realize that the reverse is also true, perhaps even more so: being happy comes from feeling grateful for life.

An old Chinese proverb counsels: “That the birds of worry and care fly over your head, this you cannot change, but that they build nests in your hair, this you can prevent.”

We can visit the past from time to time to learn from it and we can visit the future to plan and take necessary precautions, but we make our home in the only place where we can make positive change happen: in the present moment.

The deeper we go inside ourselves, the farther we can go outside.

In other words, respect and accept the very person who is attacking and rejecting. Meet exclusion with inclusion.

Having addressed our deepest needs, it is easier to address the needs of others. And by giving others our respect, we have already, in a sense, adopted an attitude of giving.

Or we can choose a win-win approach, in which we show concern for both the other person’s interests and ours.

When faced with the opportunity to give our gifts to the world, we often run the other way like Jonah did. We hide our light under a bushel. Only when we face adversity do we wake up and realize that we can only fulfill our purpose if we give what we are here to give, in other words, if we let our light shine for others.

I have found that this journey from no to yes with myself is not a single trip, but ultimately a lifelong journey.