Getting to Yes with Yourself: (and Other Worthy Opponents)

by William Ury

We sabotage ourselves by reacting in ways that do not serve our true interests.

Three actions can help. First, see yourself from the “balcony.” Second, go deeper and listen with empathy to your underlying feelings for what they are really telling you. Third, go even deeper and uncover your underlying needs.

When we react, we typically fall into what I call the “3A trap”: we attack, we accommodate (in other words, give in), or we avoid altogether, which often only makes the problem grow.

whenever you feel yourself triggered by a passing thought, emotion, or sensation, you have a simple choice: to identify or get identified.

Indian philosopher Jiddu Krishnamurti: “To observe without

evaluating is the highest form of intelligence.”

“If you talked to your friends the way you talk to yourself, you wouldn’t have any.”

us. In what areas of your life are you not happy or fully satisfied?

Feelings of dissatisfaction are the language that your needs use to communicate with you. When your needs are frustrated or unfulfilled, it is only natural to feel anxiety, fear, anger, or sadness. What, then, are these underlying needs? What do you most want? What are your deepest motivations? The better you understand your needs, the more likely you will be able to satisfy them.

I saw too many people give away their last morsel of food, their last sip of water to others in need to know that no one can take away the last of our human freedoms—the freedom to choose our own way, in whatever the circumstances.

Blaming usually triggers feelings of anger or shame in the other, which provokes counterblame. And on it goes.

The opposite of the blame game is to take responsibility. By responsibility, I mean “response-ability”—the ability to respond constructively to a situation facing us, treating it as ours to handle.

Taking responsibility for your life means owning your failures and faults as well as your successes and strengths.

Self-blame looks backward, judging what is past: “What a failure I have been at work!” Self-responsibility looks essentially forward, figuring out how to address the problem.

shifted how he saw himself in the play—from the role of powerless victim to the role of leader.

“Who is to blame?” to “What do we have to learn?”

nagging only accentuated Frank’s withdrawal. Frank had suffered a lot of trauma in his childhood, so he did not feel safe opening up. In fact, the more Susan criticized him, the less safe he felt and the more he would clam up.

your BATNA—your Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement.

gives you a sense of freedom as well as power and confidence.

Your inner BATNA is your commitment to stop blaming yourself, others, and life itself for your dissatisfactions no matter what. It is your commitment to remove the responsibility for meeting your true needs from the

other person’s shoulders—and to assume it yourself no matter what. This unconditional commitment gives you the motivation and the power to change your circumstances, especially in a difficult situation or conflict.