Better Than Before: What I Learned About Making and Breaking Habits--to Sleep More, Quit Sugar, Procrastinate Less, and Generally Build a Happier Life

by Gretchen Rubin

Habits grow strongest and fastest when they’re repeated in predictable ways, and for most of us, putting an activity on the schedule tends to lock us into doing it. In college and law school, I never asked myself, “Should I go to class?” or “Do I need to do this reading tonight?” If class was scheduled, I went. If reading was on the syllabus, I read it.

The desire to start something at the “right” time is usually just a justification for delay. In almost every case, the best time to start is now.

I try to make my good habits as fixed as possible, because the more consistently I perform an action, the more automatic it becomes, and the fewer decisions it requires; but given the complexities of life, many habits can’t be made completely automatic.

Andy Warhol said, “Either once only, or every day. If you do something once it’s exciting, and if you do it every day it’s exciting. But if you do it, say, twice or just almost every day, it’s not good any more.”

“What I do every day matters more than what I do once in a while.”

Perhaps surprisingly, I’ve found that it’s actually easier to do something every day than some days. For me, the more regular and frequent the work, the more creative and productive I am—and the more I enjoy it—so I write every single day, including weekends, holidays, and vacations.

For most people, whenever possible, important habits should be scheduled for the morning. Mornings tend to unfold in a predictable way, and as the day goes on, more complications arise—whether real or invented—which is one reason why I’d scheduled my new meditation habit in the morning. Also, self-control is strongest then; I heard about one corporate dining room that encourages healthier eating habits by requiring people to place their lunch orders by 9:30 a.m., no changes permitted. By contrast, self-control wanes as the day wears on, which helps explain why sexual indiscretions, excessive gambling, overconsumption of alcohol, and impulsive crimes usually happen at night.

I also wanted to use weekly Scheduling to tackle the long list of small, mildly unpleasant tasks that I kept putting off. These tasks weren’t urgent (which was the reason they didn’t get done), but because they weighed on my mind, they sapped my energy.

A friend wrote a well-regarded novel by sticking to a habit of writing for just four hours a week—every Saturday, he and his wife gave each other a half day free—over the course of several years. As novelist Anthony Trollope observed, “A small daily task, if it be really daily, will beat the labours of a spasmodic Hercules.”

Something that can be done at any time is often done at no time.

Procrastinators can’t make themselves work—often, ironically, because they’re so anxious about work that they have to distract themselves from it—but they can’t enjoy free time, either, because they know they should be working. A regular work schedule can help procrastinators because progress and engagement relieve their anxiety.

“Scheduling reduces pressure,” I told him. “If you write every day, no one day’s work is particularly important. And when you’re working, you’re working, and when you’re not working, you’re off duty. Without scheduling, it’s easy to spend the whole day worrying about working, so you’re not working but not relaxing either.”

Don’t get it perfect, get it going. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Nothing is more exhausting than the task that’s never started, and strangely, starting is often far harder than continuing.

Now is an unpopular time to take a first step. Won’t things be easier—for some not-quite-specified reason—in the future? I have a fantasy of what I’ll be like tomorrow: Future-Gretchen will spontaneously start a good new habit, with no planning and no effort necessary; it’s quite pleasant to think about how virtuous I’ll be, tomorrow. But there is no Future-Gretchen, only Now-Gretchen.

Instead of brushing my teeth right before I went to bed, I started to brush my teeth after I finished tucking in Eleanor, around 8:30. To my astonishment, this simple habit proved highly effective; my urge to snack drops after I brush my teeth.

Something that can be done at any time often happens at no time, and waiting vaguely for the right time to start again is very risky. (Starting tomorrow usually sounds like a good plan.) But the more tomorrows go by, the more intimidating it becomes to take that first step back.

It’s a Secret of Adulthood: What we assume will be temporary often becomes permanent; what we assume is permanent often proves temporary.

I’m not tempted by things I’ve decided are off-limits. If I never do something, it requires no self-control to maintain that habit.

There is a myth, sometimes widespread, that a person need do only inner work … that a man is entirely responsible for his own problems; and that to cure himself, he need only change himself.… The fact is, a person is so formed by his surroundings, that his state of harmony depends entirely on his harmony with his surroundings. —CHRISTOPHER ALEXANDER, The Timeless Way of Building

People often ask me, “What surprises you most about habits?” One thing that continually astonishes me is the degree to which we’re influenced by sheer convenience. The amount of effort, time, or decision making required by an action has a huge influence on habit formation. To a truly remarkable extent, we’re more likely to do something if it’s convenient, and less likely if it’s not.

It’s not easy, as an adult, to make a new friend. It can feel very awkward to say, “Would you like to get a cup of coffee sometime?” The convenience of group membership makes it easier to become friends.

One reader reported that she’d assumed she disliked cooking but finally realized that she disliked grocery shopping. Now she pays a little more to order her groceries online, and that extra convenience means that she’s willing to cook.

The biggest waste of time is to do well something that we need not do at all.

Catholicism includes a helpful concept, the “near occasion of sin”—a person, thing, or other external circumstance that’s likely to entice us to go wrong. If we identify these near occasions of sin, we can take steps to avoid them.

The simplest thing to do is to hide the reminder of temptation: the iPad, the bottle of wine, piles of clothes catalogs. Out of sight, out of mind—it really works.

Montaigne observed, “The infancies of all things are feeble and weak. We must keep our eyes open at their beginnings; you cannot find the danger then because it is so small: once it has grown, you cannot find the cure.”

The next step, and a highly effective habit-formation tool, is to make detailed plans of action for keeping good habits, with what researcher Peter Gollwitzer calls “implementation intentions,” also known as “action triggers” or “if-then” planning. “If ________ happens, then I will do _______.” With “if-then” planning, we try to plan for every habit challenge that might arise, so we don’t make decisions in the heat of the moment—we’ve already decided how to behave.

Dwight Eisenhower observed, “Plans are worthless, but planning is everything.”

It doesn’t matter what I eat now, because I’m starting a diet tomorrow. (Research shows that people who plan to start dieting tomorrow tend to overeat today.) There’s no point in tidying up because this weekend I’m doing a thorough spring cleaning. I travel all the time for work, but I’ll see more of my children during the summer. My boss complains that I’m always late, but starting Monday, I’m always going to be on time.

I’ve long been obsessed by author J. M. Barrie’s strange, brilliant skeleton of a book, The Boy Castaways of Black Lake Island, about three boys who set sail to seek the adventure of being capsized. I’m particularly haunted by its first line, “We set out to be wrecked”; to fail was the very purpose of their undertaking.

(Samuel Johnson observed, “Those faults which we cannot conceal from our own notice, are considered, however frequent, not as habitual corruptions, or settled practices, but as casual failures, and single lapses.”)

If ten coins are not enough to make a man rich, what if you add one coin? What if you add another? Finally, you will have to say that no one can be rich unless one coin can make him so.

a paradox that’s very significant to habits and happiness: often, when we consider our actions, it’s clear that any one instance of an action is almost meaningless; yet at the same time, the sum of those actions is very meaningful. Whether we choose to focus on the single coin or the growing heap will shape our behavior. True, any one visit to the gym is inconsequential, but the habit of going to the gym is invaluable.

Also, the mere act of adding one coin to the heap strengthens a habit, just as each subtraction weakens it. So each coin is actually two coins: the healthy habit itself, and the protection and reinforcement of that habit. The habit of the habit is more important than the habit itself.

The reward of a thing well done is to have done it. —RALPH WALDO EMERSON, “New England Reformers”

Challenge: we find personal meaning in pursuing a goal that’s difficult but not impossible. Curiosity: we’re intrigued and find pleasure in learning more. Control: we like the feeling of mastery. Fantasy: we play a game; we use our imagination to make an activity more stimulating. Cooperation: we enjoy the satisfaction of working with others. Competition: we feel gratified when we can compare ourselves favorably to others. Recognition: we’re pleased when others recognize our accomplishments and contributions.

If I give more to myself, I can ask more from myself. Self-regard isn’t selfish.

Pairing is effective—sometimes, too effective. It’s easy to allow a bad habit to form by creating a pair. Some familiar bad-habit pairs: “I always get drunk on Saturday nights.” “I always read an email as soon as I get it.” “I always go shopping when I’m traveling.” Once the pair is formed, breaking it up feels like deprivation.

when we understand ourselves better, we can do a better job of shaping our habits.

People pay for what they do, and still more, for what they have allowed themselves to become. And they pay for it very simply: by the lives they lead. —JAMES BALDWIN, No Name in the Street

Two kinds of clarity support habit formation: clarity of values and clarity of action. The clearer I am about what I value, and what action I expect from myself—not what other people value, or expect from me—the more likely I am to stick to my habits.

Research suggests that when we have conflicting goals, we don’t manage ourselves well. We become anxious and paralyzed, and we often end up doing nothing. When I reflected on the habits that I’d struggled with over the years, I realized how often my hesitation and backsliding were due to the lack of clarity.

Like Buridan’s Ass, the donkey that starves because it can’t decide between two bales of hay, I become paralyzed by indecision.

“I’m going to start cooking every night.” “I’m going to quit buying lottery tickets.” Like tomorrow logic, red-herring habits are dangerous, because they allow us to fool ourselves about our actual intentions.

A woman told me, “I try not to use the words ‘forever’ and ‘never,’ but I like the word ‘permanent.’ ”

When I say “I’m stressed out,” I blur the connection between the way I act and the way I feel. So, instead of saying “I’m stressed,” I press myself to identify exactly what’s bothering me. “I work at home, so I feel as though I should be working all the time.” “I’m working with someone who drains my energy.” “I want us to have fun family adventures, but we all need a lot of downtime at home, too.” “I can’t decide what opportunities to pursue.” “My laptop isn’t syncing properly with my desktop.”

“I feel awkward in this social situation.” Once I’ve spelled out the problem in words, the greater clarity usually helps me to spot a solution.

Besides clarity of values, another kind of clarity supports habit formation: clarity of action. The more specific I am about what action to take, the more likely I am to form a habit. A habit to “be more mindful,” for instance, is too vague to be a habit, but “have a moment of gratitude every time I walk into my apartment building” or “take a photo of something interesting every day” are concrete actions that can become habits.

Associate with people who are likely to improve you. —SENECA, Letters from a Stoic

I can’t make people change, but when I change, others may change; and when others change, I may change.