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June 12 - July 6, 2019
“Either once only, or every day. If you do something once it’s exciting, and if you do it every day it’s exciting.
self-control wanes as the day wears on, which helps explain why sexual indiscretions, excessive gambling, overconsumption of alcohol, and impulsive crimes usually happen at night.
Consistency, repetition, no decision—this was the way to develop the ease of a true habit.
the Strategy of Scheduling often must be paired with the essential Strategy of Accountability. It’s not enough to schedule a habit; we must actually follow that habit. Accountability means that we face consequences for what we’re doing—even if that consequence is merely the fact that someone else is monitoring us.
If we believe that someone’s watching, we behave differently.
The anonymity of hotels and travel makes it easier for people to break a healthy habit or moral code;
For Obligers, most of all, this kind of external accountability is absolutely essential.
Any beginning presents an important opportunity for habit formation, because a beginning allows two powerful elements to combine: novelty and habit.
Nothing is more exhausting than the task that’s never started, and strangely, starting is often far harder than continuing.
or tell me I was doing something wrong (Upholder concerns).
It’s a Secret of Adulthood: What we assume will be temporary often becomes permanent; what we assume is permanent often proves temporary.
the quantity and quality of carbohydrates, not calories or exercise, chiefly accounts for why we get fat.
The Strategies of Abstaining, Convenience, and Inconvenience examine how we can shape our habits by adjusting the amount of effort involved.
it was easier for me to resist certain temptations by never giving in to them.
constant challenge is: How can I deprive myself of something without feeling deprived?
When we feel deprived, we feel entitled to compensate ourselves—often, in ways that undermine our good habits.
“Abstainers” do better when they follow all-or-nothing habits. “Moderators,” by contrast, are people who do better when they indulge moderately.
“The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it,” and it can be a relief to give in, to end the tiresome mental chatter about whether and why and when to indulge.
Moderators, for their part, find that occasional indulgence both heightens their pleasure and strengthens their resolve; they get panicky or rebellious at the thought of “never” getting or doing something.
Follow the 80/20 rule, and be healthy 80 percent of the time, and indulge within reason 20 percent of the time.”
Moderators, having something makes them want it less.
Self-knowledge will enable us to use the approach that works for us—which may also mean ignoring the advice of people who insist that their way is the right way.
Lent pleasure is a gratifying exercise in self-control; we set an expectation for ourselves, and we meet it.
When we believe that a craving will remain unsatisfied, it may diminish; cravings are more provoked by possibility than by denial.
degree to which we’re influenced by sheer convenience. The amount of effort, time, or decision making required by an action has a huge influence on habit formation. To a truly remarkable extent, we’re more likely to do something if it’s convenient, and less likely if it’s not.
We’re much more likely to be friends with people whom we see without making an effort—
Belonging to a group that meets regularly is a convenient way of making a habit of seeing people.
It’s a Secret of Adulthood: The biggest waste of time is to do well something that we need not do at all.
Instead of resisting temptation, I try to anticipate and minimize temptation—both in my environment and in my own mind—
We must play the role of both Circe and Odysseus by warning ourselves of temptations and challenges, and establishing the safeguards that will protect us.
people spend about one-fourth of their waking time resisting some aspect of desire—
Indeed, guilt and shame about breaking a good habit can make people feel so bad that they seek to make themselves feel better—by indulging in the very habit that made them feel bad in the first place.
One survey found that some women who worry about their finances use “retail therapy” to feel better—they shop in order to cope with their anxiety.
A stumble may prevent a fall, true, but all falls begin with a single stumble. So it’s very, very important not to stumble. That’s the paradox: a stumble is no big deal, and yet a stumble is a very big deal.
By continuing to monitor consumption, a person gains a sense of awareness, and even more important, a sense of control.
People often assume, “I would never have an affair”—that it’s just a matter of good character and solid values. But in practice, temptation can sometimes arise over a long period of time and look quite different from what we expect.
Slowly, a relationship changes.
A very effective safeguard for that situation is the planned exception, which protects us against impulsive decisions. We’re adults, we make the rules for ourselves, and we can mindfully choose to make an exception to a usual habit by planning that exception in advance.
Exceptions also work best when they’re limited, or when they have a built-in cutoff point.
A loophole is an argument for why we should be excused from following a good habit. We aren’t mindfully planning the exception in advance, or acknowledging that we’re making an exception; we’re finding a loophole—usually on the spur of the moment—that lets us off the hook.
Distraction can help us resist temptation, minimize stress, feel refreshed, and tolerate pain, and it can help us stick to our good habits.
Drawing on intrinsic motivation makes us far more likely to stick to a behavior, and to find it satisfying.
A finish line marks a stopping point. Once we stop, we must start over, and starting over is harder than continuing. I’d seen this in my study of the Strategy of First Steps. The more dramatic the goal, the more decisive the end—and the more effort required to start over.
My challenge, therefore, was to make my habits rewarding without sabotaging myself with rewards.
you view drinking in the future.” The reward for a good habit is the habit itself.
Secret of Adulthood: If I give more to myself, I can ask more from myself. Self-regard isn’t selfish.
An Obliger would need external accountability to get that treat, which would usually require scheduling.
Another reader fills up her online cart, then abandons it without making a purchase.
Pairing provides the satisfaction of multitasking, since by definition, two things are getting done at once.
I also started listening to audiobooks while walking the dog, so now I’m making that time count
