Better Than Before: Mastering the Habits of Our Everyday Lives

by Gretchen Rubin

By reminding ourselves that the heap grows one coin at a time, we can help keep ourselves on track. Also, the mere act of adding one coin to the heap strengthens a habit, just as each subtraction weakens it. So each coin is actually two coins: the healthy habit itself, and the protection and reinforcement of that habit. The habit of the habit is more important than the habit itself.

By catching ourselves in the act of invoking a loophole, we give ourselves an opportunity to reject it, and stick to the habits that we want to foster.

Why waste self-control energy unnecessarily? It’s easier to change my surroundings than to change myself.

need a lot of breaks. It’s a Secret of Adulthood: To keep going, I sometimes need to allow myself to stop.

With my own habits, I’ve decided not to decide. I do an action without debate, without evaluation, and without reward. Just as I don’t reward myself for brushing my teeth or buckling my seat belt, I don’t consider Power Hour, exercise, or posting to my blog to be exceptional accomplishments that merit a reward. These actions are habits that run on automatic.

One of the secrets of a happy life is continuous small treats. —IRIS MURDOCH, The Sea, the Sea

It’s a Secret of Adulthood: If I give more to myself, I can ask more from myself. Self-regard isn’t selfish.

“Whatever liberates our spirit without giving us mastery over ourselves is destructive.” And whatever liberates our spirit while giving us mastery over ourselves is constructive.

Sitting is the new smoking; studies show that the average American sits for at least eight hours a day, and while we sit, our metabolism changes for the worse. Sitting for several hours a day seems to raise people’s risk of early death, even for people who exercise. Plus I noticed that walking around boosted my concentration and energy level. To

but sometimes it struck me that my preoccupation with the subject of habits was … petty. Was it ridiculous to devote so much time to thinking about how to eat better, or sleep more, or clear out my to-do list faster? Life was too solemn, too splendid to be frittered away in such trivial concerns. But while concentrating on my habits might seem small-minded, in the end, mastering those habits would allow me to put these questions out of my mind, to transcend them. I could turn all my attention to worthier matters, and yet be assured of the solidity of the architecture of my everyday life. These small, everyday actions had their own value; the pressure of my daily habits would mold my future. These habits were little things on their own, but their combined weight was massive. I thought again of one of my favorite lines from Samuel Johnson: “It is by studying little things, that we attain the great art of having as little misery and as much happiness as possible.”

People pay for what they do, and still more, for what they have allowed themselves to become. And they pay for it very simply: by the lives they lead. —JAMES BALDWIN, No Name in the Street

Two kinds of clarity support habit formation: clarity of values and clarity of action. The clearer I am about what I value, and what action I expect from myself—not what other people value, or expect from me—the more likely I am to stick to my habits.

Research suggests that when we have conflicting goals, we don’t manage ourselves well. We become anxious and paralyzed, and we often end up doing nothing.

Clarity is one reason that the Strategy of Scheduling is so helpful. It’s important to have time to write; to have time with my family; to read. Instead of spending my day in a chaos of warring priorities, and feeling as though whatever I do I’m leaving important things undone, I can use the clarity of Scheduling to guarantee that I have time and energy to devote to each activity that matters.

‘At this point, I’m not going to worry about exercising’ than to keep saying ‘I should exercise’ but then never do it. Either way, you’re not exercising, but because you have clarity about what you’re doing, you feel in control. And you won’t drain yourself feeling bad about it.”

Identity

Research shows that we tend to believe what we hear ourselves say, and the way we describe ourselves influences our view of our identity, and from there, our habits. If I say, “I’m lazy,” “I can’t resist a sale,” “I’ll try anything once,” “I never start work until the last minute,” or “I’m lucky,” those ideas become part of my identity, which in turn influences my actions.

It’s a Secret of Adulthood: I can’t make people change, but when I change, others may change; and when others change, I may change.

Someone’s new habit may make them feel abandoned, or jealous of the healthy habit and its consequences, or guilty in the face of someone else’s efforts, or hurt if the habit makes them feel rejected or judged.

There is no more miserable human being than one in whom nothing is habitual but indecision, and for whom the lighting of every cigar, the drinking of every cup, the time of rising and going to bed every day, and the beginning of every bit of work, are subjects of express volitional deliberation. Full half the time of such a man goes to the deciding, or regretting, of matters which ought to be so ingrained in him as practically not to exist for his consciousness at all. —WILLIAM JAMES, Psychology: Briefer Course

As many New Year’s resolvers will agree, few experiences are as discouraging as repeatedly failing to keep a commitment to an important habit. The most important thing I’d learned during my study of how we change our habits? We can build our habits only on the foundation of our own nature.

As I reflected on the changes I’d seen in my habits and in other people’s habits, it struck me that only rarely do we achieve a dramatic, picture-perfect before and after. Sometimes we do make a complete transformation; it’s not an utter fantasy. But usually we end up in a place that’s better than before. And that’s enough. Some habits become completely automatic; others require some effort, always. What matters is to be moving in the right direction. There’s a great satisfaction in knowing that we’ve made good use of our days, that we’ve lived up to our expectations of ourselves. The true aim is not to break bad habits, but to outgrow them. With the bright light of attention, we can recognize and acknowledge them, and leave them behind.

Often, when we try repeatedly to form a habit that we desire, we fail because we want to reap its benefits without paying the price it demands. I think constantly of that stark line from John Gardner, so significant for habits, when he observed, “Every time you break the law you pay, and every time you obey the law you pay.” Keeping a good habit costs us: it may cost time, energy, and money, and it may mean forgoing pleasures and opportunities—but not keeping a good habit also has its cost. So which cost do we want to pay? What will make our lives happier in the long run?