This and Every Life

by Emmy Sanders

For the hearts that dream, that love, that know no bounds.

“Do you wish for me to kiss you again?” Surely he must know? “I wish for you never to stop.”

If this is ruin, let me be a man in shambles.

“If we are, will you fight for me, my warrior?” “With my every breath,” I promise, the certainty of it startling me.

“How could I not? Forgetting you must mean I am dead, for I cannot see how it would be possible otherwise.”

But Jasper is meant to be mine. I know it the same way I know the sun will rise every day and the stars will return at night. He was made for me. Or me for him. I’m meant to cherish him. I’m sure of it.

“If I don’t have another chance to say it, fare thee well, Abraham Morris. Until I can return to you.” “Be it swiftly, I hope.”

“Abe,” I whisper. He lifts his head. “We won’t give this up, will we?” I ask, desperation bleeding into my tone. “We’ll find a way to keep it?” Abraham’s response is solid and sure. “Yes, my heart. No one will ever take this away. I won’t allow it.”

“I wasn’t made to resist you, Jasper Sinclair.” “I do not wish for you to try.”

I have no doubt Abraham Morris would grant me my heart’s every desire. If only he were able.

“If I could wed you, my heart, I would do so in an instant.” Jasper pulls in a breath, his answer a whimper. “I would hold you in our bed at night. Take you like this whenever you pleased. I would kiss every inch of you, swallow down the spend from your cock. I would belong to you happily, Jasper Sinclair. I already do. No matter our fortune in life, I will love you for all of our days and long after.”

Maybe ruin isn’t the right word for what Jasper has wrought by coming into my life. There’s another that feels far more appropriate. Rebirth.

“My heart. My star. My love. Whoever it was that wove the fabric of my being did it with you in mind. I was made to love you. And I will do so no matter where on this earth you are. My love for you will never, ever flicker out.” “Then I will look at the stars,” I say, voice catching, “and be reminded of it every day.”

There’s a heavy pinch in my gut knowing this body is not one he feels safe in. It’s lovely to me, always has been. But it doesn’t define the person I fell almost instantly in love with.

Perhaps there are some attributes about my person I would rather like to change given the chance. But when it comes to Arthur, to us, I wouldn’t alter a single thing.

This unease will pass. I know it will. But I do so wish Charlie could be here with me as he ought to be. Not back at home, confined to the walls that will keep him safe.

though I have to bite back my discomfort at hearing him calling Charlie by his given name and knowing I must do the same.

He’s come so far already. Taken immeasurable steps. I can see it in the way he stands and how he no longer tries to act the part of a lady, a role that never fit. For the first time in his life, he’s being granted the opportunity to let his inner self shine through. And it’s absolutely breathtaking.

But what I feel now seeing Charlie find the person he was always meant to be? It can’t be categorized by four simple letters. It’s so much grander than love. Far more vast and dangerous. I fear I would burn the world down just to watch Charlie walk free. Maybe, one day, I’ll be able to.

“Is it your husband you covet, dear Charlie?” His lips touch feather-soft to my own. “Always.” “Then take what you will from me, my heart. I am yours in every way.”

“Art. I cannot imagine many people have the capability to love someone the way you love me. I will never take for granted the breadth of your heart. Please know it is always safe with me.”

I don’t speak it aloud, but what I’ve always known is that Charlie and my heart are one and the same. There’s no splitting the two apart. I was made to love Charlie Valentine, now Kane. No matter the form in which he came to me.

“You make me sound like a turtle hiding in his shell.” He snorts an indelicate laugh. “The loveliest turtle, perhaps.”

“My dear, you could run naked through the gardens, and I wouldn’t be bothered.” At my dubious expression, he tosses his eyes about and says, “A bad example, perhaps. There is not a single endeavor I would ask you to abandon, not if it makes you happy.”

Kane. Do you know what the surname means?” Arthur looks curious, but he shakes his head. “I’m afraid I don’t.” “Descendant of the battle,” I tell him, swinging my leg over his lap. Arthur’s hands settle on my hips, broad and warm. “You’ve gone to battle for me, Arthur Kane. I wonder if it’s in your blood.” He hums. “What would that make you then? My king?”

“Say the word, my darling king, and I’ll vanquish any and all that stand between us.”

“And what of our love, dear heart?” Charlie’s head turns my way, his eyes specks of light in the dark. “It will outlast all the stars, Arthur. Every last one of them.”

“Have me as you will. Have my body, my love, and my everlasting soul. For there is not a single other in this universe I wish to share eternity with.”

Perhaps, for many, love is a business. For women, more often, a part of life. But the love I’ve found with Arthur is as bountiful as the roses he keeps in the gardens. It’s as vast and breathtaking as the galaxy we’re spinning in. It’s honest, and it’s true, and there’s not a single thing I wouldn’t do for the man who shares it with me.

“I love you wildly.” His gaze softens, and he pulls me close, his lips meeting mine in a tender press. “Then love me as wildly as you dare.”

“Charlie, you will always be my heart, no matter how many times your name may change. No matter your body or age or the years we see pass. There is nothing in this universe that would stop me from loving you. Dare I say not even death.”

“I didn’t fall in love with you for your petals, my dear heart. So let them fall. Summer is but a season, and I suspect it’s long since passed.”

“Do you know what I felt when I first met Gray? It was like I’d found a piece of myself that had been living outside of my body. And I didn’t even know it until he was close enough to bring it home. If soulmates are a thing, he’s mine. It’s not romantic. It doesn’t have to be. He’s part of me, and I would no sooner cut out my own lungs than be without that man in my life.”

“Your dad, on the other hand, is an unfortunate passenger in my ridiculous life. I’ve kidnapped him, I’m afraid. And I’m loath to let him go.” “A poet,” I tell him. “Such beautiful words.”

“Did you just quote Copernicus? He was an astronomer, you know. Not a poet.” Ezra’s smirk is devastating. “And yet his words are poetry to you.” I can’t deny it.

I hum, but I don’t think there’s a star out there with as strong a gravitational pull as Ezra. When he goes out…the blast will be felt worlds over.

“I would have had you here years ago, Grayson. If you were ready.”

“We’re inevitable, Grayson Fox. Bound by fate or luck or maybe even gravity. The moment I found you, I knew there was no escape.”

A collapse of two stars and an explosion so great it can be seen across the universe, causing ripples in the very fabric of space-time. Cataclysmic. Ruinous and miraculous. No words better describe what Ezra is to me. There’s a smile on my face when I answer my friend, the world around us dark. “Supernova.”

“What about friendship? What about family? Why can’t a person feel fulfilled if they never marry? Why can’t the absolute love of my life be my best friend?” The last question is asked so forcefully, I’m nearly brought to my knees, never mind the stool I’m sitting on. “It can be,” I say softly.

“I love you,” I tell him, needing to say the words. “I love you madly. I know you know that, but I do, Gray. No matter what happens, no matter what they say, don’t doubt that for a second. We were made for this. To be together. I’m sure of it.” Grayson turns his face, his lips pressing to the side of my head. “I have never in my life doubted you. I’m not about to start now.”

“Normal doesn’t exist for guys like us, Gray. And I can’t bear the thought of having missed out on all of this. If I’d never found you?” He shakes his head quickly, as if he can’t even bring himself to contemplate it. “Camilla can keep her normal. You’re extraordinary, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

“No matter what,” I finally say, “I love you, too. That will never change.” The look in his eye is one I know all too well. Fierce, aching devotion.

“Some say the stars themselves wept at the loss of such pure devotion, placing the sword in the sky so that the young lovers could be guided together in the next life. Others say it was the Fates. Either way, the constellation we now know as the Sword of Leandros sits bright above, a beacon for many who draw strength or courage from its celestial blade.”

Ezra is my person. And I’m his. I’ve never questioned it, not once in the last twenty years. I found him, and I knew.

Love is boundless. It’s immeasurable and immense. Beauty on its own. It’s the reason a person’s eyes soften. It’s why we go to great lengths just to make someone smile.

“I would say I’d have loved you in whatever form you came to me. In whatever time. I would defend you with my dying breath, and I would follow you wherever it is you go. The pieces of us were made to fit, Gray. To be drawn together and shared. You told me once bound stars are destined to go out together. And I’m glad for it. Because I can’t imagine a life, now or ever, without you in it.”

“You dick.” “It’s heated,” I defend. “As if that’s the point. You’re a menace.” “And you’re stuck with me.”

“Gray… You won’t ever have to say goodbye to me.” “You can’t know that.” “I can, actually. Goodbye is for parting. You and I? We’re bound, remember? You told me yourself. Never say goodbye to me, Grayson Fox. Only…see you soon.”

But Grayson has never been a warrior. He’s far too good. Too pure for it. His heart is tender, a quality I’ve always admired about my friend. I don’t mind being his shield. I’d shield him from everything given the chance. Even death.