This and Every Life

by Emmy Sanders

Oh, but he’s beautiful. I’m well aware men are not meant to think such things about each other, but I can’t help it. I’ve never set eyes on someone as absolutely lovely as him.

He’s the sweetest forbidden fruit. And I yearn to know his taste on my tongue.

“Do you know you have stars in your eyes?” Abraham’s words are soft. Spoken low. “I can see them clearly. Your wishes.”

“Do you wish for me to kiss you again?” Surely he must know? “I wish for you never to stop.”

I fear I did not weigh the full effect of kissing Jasper Sinclair. He’s far more potent than I imagined. A luxury so indulgent I know not how I will ever quit his taste. If this is ruin, let me be a man in shambles.

“If we are, will you fight for me, my warrior?” “With my every breath,” I promise, the certainty of it startling me.

“Will you think of me while you’re away?” His response nearly sets my heart on fire. “How could I not? Forgetting you must mean I am dead, for I cannot see how it would be possible otherwise.”

“You’ve worked hard your whole life,” I remind her. “Now it’s my turn. Let me carry the weight. I am strong enough to do so thanks to you.”

But Jasper is meant to be mine. I know it the same way I know the sun will rise every day and the stars will return at night. He was made for me. Or me for him. I’m meant to cherish him. I’m sure of it.

When Abraham spots me at long last, the world simply…stops.

The world makes sense when Abraham is near.

“We won’t give this up, will we?” I ask, desperation bleeding into my tone. “We’ll find a way to keep it?” Abraham’s response is solid and sure. “Yes, my heart. No one will ever take this away. I won’t allow it.”

“I seem to recall you telling me you never dared to fight your foes. Yet you sound ready to take up arms, my starry-eyed boy.” He snorts indelicately. “If I were as brave as you, maybe I would. But I don’t know how to fight something so…vast.”

“I wasn’t made to resist you, Jasper Sinclair.” “I do not wish for you to try.”

I wish I were with Abraham a thousand miles from here.

He can have the whole of me. I’d gladly lay myself at his feet if it meant even a minute more with Abraham.

“There won’t ever be another for me, Jasper. Not now that I’ve found you.” “You mean that?” I ask, choking over the words. “I do.”

I have no doubt Abraham Morris would grant me my heart’s every desire. If only he were able.

“You are beautiful, my star. If I could, I would spend eternity here with you, and I wouldn’t want for anything. I would look into your eyes and have everything I need.”

“I think you’re the most beautiful man I’ve ever set eyes on,” I tell him seriously. “But even if I didn’t have eyes, I would want you just the same.”

“Don’t lose hope,” I beg of him quietly. “Never that. When you feel lost, look at the stars and know I am looking at them with you.”

“Will… Will I ever see you again?” My swallow is harsh. “In this life? I am not certain. If there is a way for me to safely return to you, I will find it, Abraham. I promise you that.” “Jasper.” He rocks me, his face buried in my hair. “My heart. My star. My love. Whoever it was that wove the fabric of my being did it with you in mind. I was made to love you. And I will do so no matter where on this earth you are. My love for you will never, ever flicker out.” “Then I will look at the stars,” I say, voice catching, “and be reminded of it every day.”

“And when have I ever expressed interest in controlling you, Charlotte Kane? It is you who holds my very heart in your palm. You own me with every flex of your hand. And I am your willing captive.”

Like these roses, Charlotte is soft. Fragile, even. Yet with the smallest encouragement and room to grow, she flourishes beyond the bounds of what most gardens could ever hope to accomplish. I’ve often thought Charlotte wasn’t born for this time. Or perhaps, she was made to change it.

“This body is not mine, Arthur. It feels wrong on every level. I look at myself in the mirror, and I see a person I’m not meant to be. I don’t know how to explain it rationally, for it makes no sense. But I’m stuck. I’m stuck, and I cannot get out.”

“Do you think you could love me again after what you’ve learned?” Arthur’s eyes snap to mine, clarity returning. His voice comes out on a breath. “My love. I’ve never stopped.”

“What I mean to say is… If I can find some comfort in the lot I’ve been given, it’s this. I would choose you countless times over. I’d take a lifetime of being loved by you, Arthur Kane, over any life lived without. I’m more than certain there’s not a storm I couldn’t weather, so long as I have you at my side.”

I was made to love Charlie Valentine, now Kane. No matter the form in which he came to me.

“And what of our love, dear heart?” Charlie’s head turns my way, his eyes specks of light in the dark. “It will outlast all the stars, Arthur. Every last one of them.”

“Charlie, you will always be my heart, no matter how many times your name may change. No matter your body or age or the years we see pass. There is nothing in this universe that would stop me from loving you. Dare I say not even death.”

“I didn’t fall in love with you for your petals, my dear heart. So let them fall. Summer is but a season, and I suspect it’s long since passed.”

“Do you know what I felt when I first met Gray? It was like I’d found a piece of myself that had been living outside of my body. And I didn’t even know it until he was close enough to bring it home. If soulmates are a thing, he’s mine. It’s not romantic. It doesn’t have to be. He’s part of me, and I would no sooner cut out my own lungs than be without that man in my life.”

“I would say I’d have loved you in whatever form you came to me. In whatever time. I would defend you with my dying breath, and I would follow you wherever it is you go. The pieces of us were made to fit, Gray. To be drawn together and shared. You told me once bound stars are destined to go out together. And I’m glad for it. Because I can’t imagine a life, now or ever, without you in it.”

The first press of his lips to mine is so soft I barely feel it. I don’t breathe, waiting for it to come again. It does. Lee meets my mouth with a soft grunt I can feel in the pit of my stomach. He sucks in a breath, and I do the same, oxygen invading my lungs, the atoms of my body straining with the singular goal of getting closer to this man. The one I’ve waited for time and time again. It’s one thing to know. And completely another to live.

“Do you believe in fate, Caspian?” I smile at the question returned to me. He must know the answer, but I give it still. “Yes. Do you?” “I’m starting to.”

I would be his friend, his confidant, his loyal supporter. I would wait for him, bleed for him as I know he would do for me. I would love him with every one of my last breaths. There is not a world, not a lifetime, in which I am not his. Utterly and singularly.

I want to weep. Want to cry and laugh and scream at the sky that I’ve found him. I’ve found him, and he’s mine, and he will always be mine.

“Every time… Every time, it’s me?” I nod. “How do you know?” “I just do,” I tell him. “I’d know you anywhere.”

“Because I chose it. Chose you. And you chose me. No matter what comes between us or what tries to tear us apart, I will always find you. And I will always choose you again. Fate did not make me fall in love, Lee Donovan. You did that.”

“When I look at the stars, Lee, all I see is you. My past. My present. My future. Every future on every star yet to shine. Always, it’s you.”

“I believe in you, my love. Which is why I can say with absolute certainty… I love you. In this and every life.”

“This and every life,” I repeat. My own promise. My own vow. The absolute and utter truth. “I am yours, my warrior. And I will love you until everything goes dark.”

Whatever the next day brings, and the one after that, my future has certainly been changed. Irrevocably. Miraculously. Forevermore.