The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts

by Gary Chapman

We even fall in love with love.

The late psychologist Dr. Dorothy Tennov conducted long-range studies on the in-love phenomenon. After studying scores of couples, she concluded that the average life span of a romantic obsession is two years.

Some couples believe that the end of the “in-love” experience means they have only two options: resign themselves to a life of misery with their spouse; or jump ship and try again.

The divorce rate for second marriages is higher than the divorce rate of first marriages. The divorce rate in third marriages is higher still. Apparently the prospect of a happier marriage the second and third time around is not substantial.

Research seems to indicate that there is a third and better alternative: We can recognize the in-love experience for what it was—a temporary emotional high—and now pursue “real love” with our spouse.

In fact, true love cannot begin until the “in-love” experience has run its course.

LOVE LANGUAGE #1 Words of Affirmation

Verbal compliments, or words of appreciation, are powerful communicators of love. They are best expressed in simple, straightforward statements of affirmation,

She had learned that verbal compliments are far greater motivators than nagging words.

ENCOURAGING WORDS

The word encourage means “to inspire courage.” All of us have areas in which we feel insecure.

Please note that I am not talking about pressuring your spouse to do something that you want. I am talking about encouraging him to develop an interest that he already has.

KIND WORDS

Sometimes our words say one thing, but our tone of voice says another. We are sending double messages.

The manner in which we speak is exceedingly important. An ancient sage once said, “A soft answer turns away anger.”

Having confessed my failure and asked forgiveness, I can do nothing more to mitigate the hurt it may have caused my spouse. When I have been wronged by my spouse and she has painfully confessed it and requested forgiveness, I have the option of justice or forgiveness.

HUMBLE WORDS

When you make a request of your spouse, you are affirming his or her worth and abilities. You are in essence indicating that she has something or can do something that is meaningful and worthwhile to you.

Words of affirmation are one of the five basic love languages.

LOVE LANGUAGE #2 Quality Time

What I mean is sitting on the couch with the TV off, looking at each other and talking, devices put away, giving each other your undivided attention. It means taking a walk, just the two of you, or going out to eat and looking at each other and talking.

doing something with her that she enjoys doing and doing it wholeheartedly.

A key ingredient in giving your spouse quality time is giving them focused attention, especially in this era of many distractions.

QUALITY CONVERSATION

If I am sharing my love for you by means of quality time and we are going to spend that time in conversation, it means I will focus on drawing you out, listening empathetically to what you have to say. I will ask questions, not in a badgering manner but with a genuine desire to understand your thoughts, feelings, and desires.

Now I realize that she didn’t want advice when she told me about her struggles at work. She wanted empathy. She wanted me to listen, to give her attention, to let her know that I could understand the hurt, the stress, the pressure. She wanted to know that I loved her and that I was with her. She didn’t want advice; she just wanted to know that I understood. But I never tried to understand.

Maintain eye contact

Don’t listen to your spouse and do something else at the same time.

Listen for feelings.

Observe body language.

Refuse to interrupt.

LEARNING TO TALK

If her primary love language is quality time and her dialect is quality conversation, her emotional love tank will never be filled until he tells her his thoughts and feelings.

DEAD SEAS AND BABBLING BROOKS

In the little nation of Israel, the Sea of Galilee flows south by way of the Jordan River into the Dead Sea. The Dead Sea goes nowhere. It receives but it does not give.

If you say to a Dead Sea personality, “What’s wrong? Why aren’t you talking tonight?” he will probably answer, “Nothing’s wrong. What makes you think something’s wrong?” And that response is perfectly honest. He is content not to talk. He could drive from Chicago to Detroit and never say a word and be perfectly happy.

On the other extreme is the “Babbling Brook.” For this personality, whatever enters into the eye gate or the ear gate comes out the mouth gate and there are seldom sixty seconds between the two. Whatever they see, whatever they hear, they tell. In fact, if no one is at home to talk to, they will call someone else.

Many times a Dead Sea marries a Babbling Brook. That happens because when they are dating, it is a very attractive match.

You attract each other. But five years after marriage, the Babbling Brook wakes up one morning and says, “We’ve been married five years, and I don’t know him.” The Dead Sea is saying, “I know her too well. I wish she would stop the flow and give me a break.” The good news is that Dead Seas can learn to talk and Babbling Brooks can learn to listen. We are influenced by our personality but not controlled by it.

QUALITY ACTIVITIES

The essential ingredients in a quality activity are: (1) at least one of you wants to do it, (2) the other is willing to do it, (3) both of you know why you are doing it—to express love by being together.

Words of affirmation focus on what we are saying, whereas quality conversation focuses on what we are hearing.” You can’t “hear” or draw someone out while multitasking. It requires wholehearted investment in hearing, understanding and accepting them.

LOVE LANGUAGE #3 Receiving Gifts

If your spouse’s primary love language is receiving gifts, you can become a proficient gift giver. In fact, it is one of the easiest love languages to learn.

If you discover that your spouse’s primary love language is receiving gifts, then perhaps you will understand that purchasing gifts for him or her is the best investment you can make.

You are investing in your relationship and filling your spouse’s emotional love tank, and with a full love tank, he or she will likely reciprocate emotional love to you in a language you will understand.

THE GIFT OF SELF

Being there when your spouse needs you speaks loudly to the one whose primary love language is receiving gifts.

If, on the other hand, your spouse says to you, “I’d love for you to come with me tomorrow,” take his request seriously. From your perspective, it may not be important; but if you are not responsive to that request, you may be communicating a message you do not intend.

LOVE LANGUAGE #4 Acts of Service