The Conscious Parent: Transforming Ourselves, Empowering Our Children

by Dr Shefali Tsabary

If from a young age our children are taught to value our relationship with them over the things we buy them, we set the stage for a reliance on their inner being rather than externals. A human will always choose relationships over gadgets or other possessions, provided we haven’t corrupted their natural instinct.

They are going to eat too much candy, forget to brush their teeth, wear their shirt inside out, lose their cell phone, break our television remote, and violate our rules. This is the nature of childhood. If we develop an over-exaggerated response to our children’s follies, they learn to have over-the-top reactions like our

stress. The reality is that children need stress in order to grow. Learning to tolerate the pain of seeing them deal with stress, allowing them to sit in the discomfort of their imperfection, staying out of it while they are forced to decide between two equally desirable or undesirable choices—all of this is essential for a child’s development.

you teach them one of the most valuable lessons of all: to rely on their inner being to solve life’s problems. They have an intrinsic ability to think outside the box, and only your anxiety causes them to doubt their inner voice.

Your children are well on their way to consciousness when they realize that to simply be with themselves and with you, connected at a deep level—human being to human being, without interference from outside distractions—is the source of fulfillment.

Children come to us full of the what is, not what isn’t. When we see our own reality for all it isn’t, we teach our children to operate from lack. When we see our children for all they are yet to become, barely recognizing all they already are, we teach them they are incomplete.

Especially in their early years, our children need the space to delve into their natural inclinations and practice expressing what they find there. Our task is to respond with delight, conveying through our eyes and our smile that they are most adored when they are in the act of being

It’s so important that you don’t need your children to heal a damaged part of yourself, and that you have your own life instead of devoting every minute of your day to your children. If you are content with the as-is

When you resist setting the bar in a manner that’s oriented to who you want your children to become, and instead set the bar in ways that embody who they already are, you teach them to trust their innate sense of value and competence. From this foundation, they will devise their own standards of excellence—standards that mirror their internal state of excellence.

right to expect from your children? I identify three elements: respect for themselves, for others, and for their safety. Beyond these basics, your children own the right to manifest who they want to be,

Not that they will be a good achiever, but a good learner

Not that they will obey you, but that they will respect you

Not that they will blindly follow your dictates, but that they wi...

Not that they will follow your vision, but that they will create their own

Not that they will achieve “success,” but that they will live a

life of p...

Not

that they will find direction, but that they w...

Not that they won’t experience pain, but that they will find the means to become whole

willingness to engage the topic and become one with it, we give our children permission to relish the process of expanding their understanding. If the focus is on how well they perform on an exam, we send a signal that their unique process is only relevant if they produce results. We say we want our children not to fear failure. Yet fear is precisely what we teach when we focus on where our children need to be, instead of on where they already are

exert effort is far more important than their ability to master something. We show them that learning to live with their limitations with ease is a far more important lesson than being attached to perfection. If we teach our children such values, they grow up to be adults who are unafraid to venture into new territory and live with the unknown.

As parents, we may feel guilty if we put our needs on a par with our children’s. We may feel ashamed to ask

for time and space for ourselves, independent of our children. If they watch us constantly sidestep ourselves, perhaps by sacrificing our own needs for those of our spouse or friends, they will learn to devalue themselves in favor of others.

For this reason, we do our children a spiritual service when we develop our ability to fulfill ourselves and take care of our emotions on our own. When we don’t look to our children to make us happy, but find our

happiness elsewhere, we liberate them to be true to who they are.

There is no giving if the inner well is dry.

Authentic giving originates from a well that overflows.

we can ask that for one hour a week they engage in a practice of stillness, such as yoga, t’ai chi, or meditation. We can ask that for one hour a week they take a walk in nature by themselves. We can ask that for one hour a week they turn off all their gadgets and talk to us. We can ask that for one hour a week they write in their journal. We can also ask that for one hour a week they paint or engage in some other form of art in silence.

A subtle yet powerful way in which we can help develop a narrative in our children’s lives is by spending time with them, since our presence brings continuity.

We share with our children how they themselves came to be, how they make us feel, how brave they are, how kind, and so on. When children hear about themselves in a story, they are better able to absorb what we are attempting to convey than were we to teach them directly. Children love to hear stories about themselves because they are eager to create a vision of who they used to be as a baby and how they became who they are now.

Encouraging our children to write their daily thoughts and feelings in a journal is another way to help them make sense of their experiences. Perhaps the entire family might sit for half an hour, such as on a Sunday afternoon,

Rituals of togetherness are an important way of supporting our children’s sense of connection.

Having heard hours of stories about their ancestors, they grow up with an internal narrative that lends them a sense of fortitude, resilience, and courage.

It’s important to express gratitude to our children just for being who they are. Rarely do we thank them for who they are, yet we always want them to appreciate who we are.

with their teen. The role of a parent isn’t to dictate, but to support the development of a child’s inherent being. This is why, if we wish to connect with our children of any age group, we need to find a way to match their emotional energy. When

During this time, we don’t do homework or chores, but simply relate, either eating together, playing, reading, or talking to each other. This one simple hour has the power to fill my child’s cup with her own inner presence.

The smallest, “I don’t know, but let’s find out together,” has the power to evoke the

It begins with our willingness as parents to step off our pedestal of “knowing” and enter into not knowing.

Rather than focusing on the answer, when you teach your children to enjoy the question, you demonstrate a love of learning and an insatiable curiosity

If they turn their sense of helplessness outward, they may seek to do to others what has been done to them, which is how a bully is created. A bully is a person who has grown up feeling such disempowerment that to hold it within is unbearable, which causes them to humiliate the recipient of their bullying, making this individual feel powerless in the way they themselves have been made to feel powerless. The reason children bully is only ever that they are filled with pain themselves. When bullying escalates into violence, it’s because the individual has internalized such an intense feeling of humiliation that their only recourse for relief is to unleash their pain on others. Cut off from their

This encourages them to have faith in their innate goodness. When we focus on a bad

outcome instead of on a good intention, our children lose their enthusiasm for trying.

a big mistake we made during the week. We have turned this into a volley of sorts, where each tries to up the other’s mistake and the conversation goes to the tune of, “You think that was a silly mistake? I made an even sillier mistake.”

themselves the emotional strength to

is something we have to be absolutely consistent about. A swift here-and-now response coupled with later processing of their feelings are both key components to teaching containment.

disciplining her, I made the situation

not just when it’s convenient. If we zone out for days at a time, then reenter the parenting process at our leisure, we miss the opportunity to nip emerging behavior in the bud. Shaping our children’

behavior can’t be done in fits and starts.

we are teaching them to be like us—rigid and unyielding. This is why conflict continues relentlessly. Our children soon turn a deaf ear because they know we want things done our way regardless of their wishes. This is how stealing, sneaking, and lying

“You must be so tired right now.” Or if they are sad about something, ask, “Are you acting like this because you are sad?”