The Conscious Parent: Transforming Ourselves, Empowering Our Children

by Dr Shefali Tsabary

cut themselves, stop bathing, or

Often a child’s emotional state manifests in symptoms associated with the body, such as migraines, stomachache, or panic attacks. This happens when children have become so split off from their real feelings that they have overloaded their body with unexpressed emotion. They may have become so overwhelmed in the role of pleasers or overachievers—or, in contrast, as rebels and “bad children”—that they finally collapse, with their body bearing the brunt of the collapse.

“We both have feelings about this. Tell me yours, then I will share mine.”

“Why don’t you tell me where you believe I have gone wrong and how I can correct it. I’m ready to listen to everything that’s causing you pain right now. You are free to express yourself—there will be no judgment.”

continue its difficult behavior. If our children are being defiant, we need to pause, take a breath, and ask ourselves, “Has a main rule been violated or just a flexible rule?” If a child refuses to heed our “no” on an issue

surrender. When action is required, it may be in the form of separating the child from what they are engaged in through a timeout, or taking away the child’s object of interest, such as a toy, television, or computer. We have to learn how to say “no” and really mean it, in a voice that’s neither hesitant nor dogmatic. When our children observe how we match our words with action, they associate the two.

To accomplish this, we might use a technique such as naming the feelings. Another technique is to sit with our child while they draw what they are feeling or write about it. Yet another approach is to encourage them to breathe through the feelings. Many times, a “no” is metabolized quickly without residual emotion. At other times, our children may have things they want to say and feelings they wish to express.

Our task is to listen to them, then let them know it’s natural to feel frustrated. “Let’s sit with what you are

It’s helpful to inquire whether there’s anything to be learned from the feelings that arise when our child is told “no.” One lesson might be that life doesn’t always turn out the way we wish it would.

Challenged by raising a spirit that’s individualistic and idiosyncratic, we simply can’t impose our habitual ways on our children or they will suffer a loss of authenticity. Instead of forcing our children to contour their spirit to our inauthenticity, to be a conscious parent is to match our more-jaded, cynical, resentful, bitter approach to their authenticity.