Bad Date

by Ellery Lloyd

The current unfortunate situation has taken a little more salvaging than anything else I’ve ever handled, though, requiring a carefully laid multimedia, cross-platform breadcrumb trail. 7A record of Fay’s habits and whereabouts in newspapers, on TikTok and Instagram posts, and on our podcast. A series of cast-iron alibis just in case the police do decide to investigate.

If you’re going to hide, make sure you cover everything

take a moment to appreciate how good I look—I’ve grown stubble, got coloured contact lenses in, and am wearing a pink T-shirt from a brand called Prada, a surprisingly good colour on me. Then—ignoring the blisters on my heels from my new, 10slightly too-tight Veja trainers—I

Trying to be someone you’re not. Sad.

I’ve always believed in love at first sight, but I’ve never actually experienced it until now. The only way to describe it is a serene certainty, your soul saying: There you are, at last.

Unfortunately the other party must feel the same way

Just as, all evening, I have been pretending not to know that it is Fay Roper who is sitting across the table from me.

Shady

She has always said that fame is the price she’s prepared to pay for doing what she loves, but her son doesn’t owe the world shit.

Nor does he give a shit

no will always turn into a yes if you only persist—that’s what my mother always said.

Sometimes you need to know when to call it quits

They really should teach kids more in school about online safety, make them aware that any old weirdo could be out there, talking to them.

Yes, like the one saying this line

They’re never subtle, these guys. Not very bright either, most of them. Some even use their own names, or at least reuse the same fake name across accounts—podcast reviews, social media, one-star fake vet reviews. Online Mortal Kombat. That’s how I identified Oliver Sharpe.

Your life is public property.