Growing Up Social: Raising Relational Kids in a Screen-Driven World

by Gary Chapman

“Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives.”

The pull of electronic devices is almost irresistible—for children and adults. With a push of a button, video games and virtual worlds captivate our affection. Without other options, kids can grow more attached to their devices than to real people such as friends, teachers, aunts, or grandpas.

It’s ironic that an electronic device that connects us to people around the world can also work simultaneously to separate us from the people at hand.

Screen time is quickly replacing face time in the modern home.

That phone is the object of his affection.

Our homes are experiencing a subtle shift. Parents and children alike are growing more comfortable with spending increasing amounts of time with devices. Unknowingly we’ve accepted a trade-off. We’re becoming less affectionate toward each other. We might be sharing the same space as our family members but we are not connecting emotionally to each other.

The deepest form of affection is given face to face in real time.

Your presence means a great deal to your child, not just your physical presence but your mental and emotional presence.

becoming good friends happens best face to face.

social media can teach kids that the road to popularity is paved by likes and the number of comments and online friends one has.

As your child grows into a teenager, he needs the firm foundation of being liked for who he is by real people he knows.

Researchers are concerned that when screen time goes up, empathy goes down.

the digital world tends to make a child more me-centered than other-centered.

More than 75 percent of prime-time television programs contain sexual content, yet for only 14 percent of sexual incidents are any risks or consequences suggested.6 Not surprisingly, youth exposure to sexual content on television can be used to predict adolescent pregnancy.7

You can’t look a child in the eye through a text. You can’t hug a child through the cellphone. You can’t instruct a child in a 140-character tweet. The eyes are the window to your child’s soul. Look into them often, and don’t be in a rush to get to the next thing on your agenda.

There are five ways all people speak and understand emotional love. They are physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, and acts of service.

No one has to teach children to experience anger; that happens automatically. Our task is to teach them to manage their anger.

Distractions, delays, or deflections won’t help your child learn to process emotions in a healthy manner.

key #1: accept responsibility

key #2: your actions affect others

key #3: there are always rules in life

Inconsistent discipline is the most common pitfall of parents trying to raise responsible children.

key #4: apologies will restore friendships

apologies are necessary in order to maintain good relationships.

key #5: the five languages of apology

Expressing Regret: “I am sorry.” Accepting Responsibility: “I was wrong.” Making Restitution: “What can I do to make it right?” Genuinely Repenting: “I’ll try not to do that again.” Requesting Forgiveness: “Will you please forgive me?”

Young children do what parents say; older children do what parents do.

Digital natives are spending an average of eight hours a day on screens. If your child is one of them, ask yourself: “What type of brain cells and connections will be shaping his future?”

Isn’t it interesting that the chief technology officer of eBay sends his children to a nine-classroom school where technology is totally omitted? So do employees of digital giants like Google, Apple, Yahoo, and Hewlett-Packard. No computers and no screens to be found.4 Bill Gates only allowed his daughters on the Internet forty-five minutes a day, including video games. He also waited until they turned thirteen to permit having a cellphone.5

Nicolas Carr writes, “The world of the screen, as we’re already coming to understand, is a very different place from the world of the page. A new intellectual ethic is taking hold. The pathways in our brains are once again being rerouted.”8 For example, kids and teens today don’t necessarily read a page from left to right and from top to bottom. They might instead skip around,

scanning for interesting information. The Internet has trained them to read like this. Online reading is nonlinear, peppered with hyperlinks to jump to, with no fundamental beginning, middle, and end. Just pick up a popular magazine for adults or kids, and you’ll notice this shift to shorter articles, bigger photos, large headlines, quick summaries, blurbs, and pull quotes. There’s nothing wrong with skimming and browsing magazines, the Internet, or books. But there is something wrong if skimming has become the dominant way for your child to read.

Deep reading is difficult online because the brain must evaluate links, decide where to navigate, and process distractions like advertisements.

All of this pulls the brain from understanding the text at hand.

Our brains online are busy making decisions and navigating through distractions, but they are not...

Many of our Internet behaviors, such as gambling or gaming on the Internet, or even Facebooking, can do as much damage to the pleasure center as any powerful drug. The pleasure center can become so flooded that only the “big” stimulants can get a message to the pleasure center.

Little, ordinary pleasures are ignored because they do not have the power to overcome the flooding

What this all mean...

the thrills of our digital world, if abused, can be as addicting as any drug and rob you of...

In China, Taiwan, and Korea, Internet Addiction Disorder is on the rise, with as many as 30 percent of teens in these countries considered addicted. In South Korea, most teenagers participate in gaming centers. Sitting in rows of small cubbies and computers, teens and young adults settle in for long periods to play multiplayer computer games for an hourly fee.

Teens and students in their twenties often play through the night and then go to school or work exhausted.

Parents in America are wise to heed the warnings of South Korea. It’s estimated that 95 to 97 percent of American youth are playing video games of one type or another.13 The important questions to ask are “How long does your child play?” and “What type of games is he playing?”

Many psychologists are concerned that extensive computer game playing in children may lead to long-term changes in the brain’s circuitry that resemble the effects of substance dependence. Kids addicted to gaming can’t resist the urge to play, even if it interrupts basic hygiene, eating, sleeping, homework, and relating to family or friends.

According to Parry Aftab, executive director of WiredSafety.org, cyberbullying is beginning in second grade as kids use text messaging and interactive websites much earlier.

In your home, how can you use technology to foster a feeling of security for your child?

Do we use screens to come together as a family? If so, how?

Are parent/child relationships primarily strengthened or weakened because of screen use?

Is screen time at home promoting learning and ...

Home isn’t meant to be a place where individual family members retreat to their screens to become engrossed in the news of politics or the playground.

In today’s digital world, you must think about the role screens will play in your home.

Perhaps it’s unrealistic to have a screen-free home, but what about a screen-sma...