More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
John Gray
Read between
June 6 - June 7, 2023
Men mistakenly expect women to think, communicate, and react the way men do; women mistakenly expect men to feel, communicate, and respond the way women do.
Stereotype that men are more logical thinking and women are emotional
The most frequently expressed complaint men have about women is that women are always trying to change them. When a woman loves a man she feels responsible to assist him in growing and tries to help him improve the way he does things.
Achieving goals is very important to a Martian because it is a way for him to prove his competence and thus feel good about himself. And for him to feel good about himself he must achieve these goals by himself. Someone else can’t achieve them for him. Martians pride themselves in doing things all by themselves.
To offer a man unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesn’t know what to do or that he can’t do it on his own.
Asking for help when you can do it yourself is perceived as a sign of weakness.
Talking about a problem on Mars is an invitation for advice.
men instinctively offer solutions when women talk about problems.
the Venusians are more concerned with living together in harmony, community, and loving cooperation. Relationships are more important than work and technology. In most ways their world is the opposite of Mars.
Instead of being goal oriented, women are relationship oriented;
Women’s restaurant talk can be very open and intimate, almost like the dialogue that occurs between therapist and patient.
When a woman tries to improve a man, he feels she is trying to fix him. He receives the message that he is broken. She doesn’t realize her caring attempts to help him may humiliate him. She mistakenly thinks she is just helping him to grow.
“If I can’t be trusted to do a small thing like get us to a party, how can she trust me to do the bigger things?”
One of the biggest differences between men and women is how they cope with stress. Men become increasingly focused and withdrawn while women become increasingly overwhelmed and emotionally involved.
When a Martian gets upset he never talks about what is bothering him.
By disengaging his mind from the problems of his day, gradually he can relax.
When Venusians share feelings of being overwhelmed, they suddenly feel better.
A Venusian feels good about herself when she has loving friends with whom to share her feelings and problems. A Martian feels good when he can solve his problems on his own in his cave.
Women generally do not understand how Martians cope with stress. They expect men to open up and talk about all their problems the way Venusians do. When a man is stuck in his cave, a woman resents his not being more open.
Men are motivated and empowered when they feel needed…. Women are motivated and empowered when they feel cherished.
The secret of forming a successful relationship is for both partners to win.
when a man is in love he is motivated to be the best he can be in order to serve others.
At such times he withdraws from relationships or intimacy and remains stuck in his cave. He asks himself what it is all for, and why he should bother. He doesn’t know that he has stopped caring because he doesn’t feel needed. He does not realize that by finding someone who needs him, he can shake off his depression and be motivated again.
Not to be needed is a slow death for a man.
When a man doesn’t feel he is making a positive difference in someone else’s life, it is hard for him to continue caring about his life and relationships. It is difficult to be motivated when he is not needed. To become motivated again he needs to feel appreciated, trusted, and accepted. Not to be needed is a slow death for a man.
“Why should I have to ask, after all I have done for him?”
A man’s deepest fear is that he is not good enough or that he is incompetent.
The first step for a man in learning how to give more is to realize that it is OK to make mistakes and it is OK to fail and that he doesn’t have to have all the answers.
He wants to be her hero. When she is disappointed or unhappy over anything, he feels like a failure. Her unhappiness confirms his deepest fear: he is just not good enough.
Many men did not have successful role models while they were growing up. For them staying in love, getting married, and having a family is as difficult as flying a jumbo jet without any training.
To fully express their feelings, women assume poetic license and use various superlatives, metaphors, and generalizations. Men mistakenly take these expressions literally.
The number one complaint women have in relationships is: “I don’t feel heard.” Even this complaint is misunderstood and misinterpreted!
One of the big challenges for men is correctly to interpret and support a woman when she is talking about her feelings. The biggest challenge for women is correctly to interpret and support a man when he isn’t talking.
Women need to know that when a man says “I am OK” it is an abbreviated version of what he really means, which is “I am OK because I can deal with this alone. I do not need any help. Please support me by not worrying about me. Trust that I can deal with it all by myself.”
If you need to “talk,” write him a letter to be read later when he is out, and if you need to be nurtured, talk to a friend. Don’t make him the sole source of your fulfillment.
Especially in an intimate relationship, men need to feel very secure before they open up and ask for support.
If he behaves in a way that embarrasses you, wait for a time when no one else is around and then share your feelings. Don’t tell him how he “should behave” or that he is wrong; instead share honest feelings in a loving and brief way.
Women don’t think of giving appreciation because they assume a man knows how much she appreciates being heard. He doesn’t know.
He may love and trust her, and then suddenly he begins to pull away. Like a stretched rubber band, he will distance himself and then come back all on his own.
A man pulls away to fulfill his need for independence or autonomy.
Men begin to feel their need for autonomy and independence after they have fulfilled their need for intimacy.
It is hard for a man when a woman demands that he talk. She unknowingly turns him off by interrogating him. Especially when he doesn’t feel the need to talk.
Men pull back and then get close, while women rise and fall in their ability to love themselves and others.
Men argue for the right to be free while women argue for the right to be upset. Men want space while women want understanding.
“If he gets to be in his cave then what about me? I give him space, but what do I get?”
When a man pulls away is the time to get more support from friends.
It puts too much pressure on a man to make him the only source of love and support.
“A wealthy woman can only get empathy from a wealthy psychiatrist.”
he may completely ignore her, assuming he is giving her a lot of “space” to cool off and go into her cave. What he thinks is support makes her feel minimized, unloved, and ignored.
What is meant by “primary need” is that fulfilling a primary need is required before one is able fully to receive and appreciate the other kinds of love.
Although a man may appreciate caring and assistance sometimes, too much of it will lessen his confidence or turn him off.
