Playing Big: Practical Wisdom for Women Who Want to Speak Up, Create, and Lead

by Tara Mohr

Feedback Doesn’t Tell You about You; It Tells You about the Person Giving the Feedback

it tells us whether we are reaching the people we need to reach.

Much of the feedback you’ll receive is not important to integrate into your work.

when I am playing big, criticism comes my way. There’s nothing I can do to avoid that happening and often nothing I need to do about it.

criticism as part and parcel of doing important work.

Being useful. Being compassionate. Being truthful. Living in my own skin fully. Inspiring others. Being true to myself. Bringing new ideas to reality.

My peace of mind.

Making real contributions. Helping those I work with suffer less. Being effective. Acting with integrity....

which to move away from or simply ignore.

she was not enjoying her dream job in the way she had hoped because she was approaching it with perfectionism and an overpreparing habit.

costs for advocating for themselves too strongly; they are seen as less likable by those around them, especially by other women.

When you shift the frame to visibility, you’ll notice it’s not all about you. Instead, it becomes about making your work and ideas available to those who can utilize them.

any brainstorming, business-building, or creative process that you pursue in isolation—without feedback from the people you are trying to reach with your creation.

Our creations flop because they are too untethered from the reality of the people we are trying to reach.

Gina had found that a set of daily rituals—writing a gratitude list, having a regular check-in call with friends, yoga, and a morning intention-setting practice—helped

start noticing how effective simple can

our lived experiences, insights, and natural ideas are enough to bring to the table?

Many women have a well-worn habit of ending statements with “Does that make sense?”

women who use this kind of question at the end of their statements are seen as less influential and less knowledgeable about their topic.

“What are your thoughts?”

“Do you have questions?”

women also rush because they tend to be interrupted more often than men and develop the coping strategy of rushing so that they are less likely to be interrupted during pauses.

pauses between sentences connote confidence.

Sometimes, of course, there are strategic reasons to use a question rather than a statement: to gently introduce an idea to a group who is likely to be resistant to it, for example. But women often turn to questions rather than statements because they are avoiding conflict, visibility, and claiming power.

lessen their perceived competence so that they come across as more likable.

If I took away the qualifying, tentative tone, I’d be labeled a ballbuster or a bitch and no one would listen to me at

they evaluate that person on two dimensions: 1. Is this person warm? Are they trustworthy, good-natured? 2. Is this person competent? Are they clever and likely to be effective in achieving their aims?

Members of out-groups or low-status groups, on the other hand, are generally seen as only one or the other—competent or warm.

we tend to judge “is this person warm, nice, friendly?” in an instant,

our assessment of their competence builds over time.

once we deem someone competent, they have to do a number of incompetent things for us to shift that assessme...

continuously conveying warmth even as we are demonstrating our competence.

put in all that energy and care to do their jobs while also essentially coming across as nice the whole time they do so.

It’s exhausting, and it can make it very difficult to simply say what one has to say ...

women sometimes dumb down how competently we come across—using

we should lead with communicating warmth—since

keep communicating warmth but also demonstrate competence, allowing the listener to build a sense, over time, of our effectiveness.

“bids for conn...

“anything and everything designed to promote or restore a feeling of connection and solid...

include making small talk at the opening and closing of a meeting,

convey warmth by being kind, being social, being human.

shift here: from navigating the double bind by diminishing what we have to say to navigating it by mindfully expressing both warmth and competence.

start to use positive bids for connection that convey warmth without simultaneously diminishing our perceived competence.

Pick one habit that you’d really like to change and focus there first.

Record yourself. Although it can feel almost unbearable to watch or listen at first, there’s no replacement for seeing or hearing yourself communicate. You’ll immediately notice the undermining speech habits you’ve been unconsciously using and know which ones to work on.

I hope this finds you well. I loved today’s blog post at your site. It was so creative and beautifully done.

[Opening with warmth.]

she’s replaced “Does that make sense?” with the more positive “I would love to hear your reactions to this.”

“Before You Hit ‘Send’” E-mail Checklist

Check for “shrinkers”—