Defy Me (Shatter Me, #5)

by Tahereh Mafi

I mean, I knew Juliette was strong—and I knew we hadn’t discovered the depth of her powers—but I never imagined she’d be capable of this.

“Language,” Adam says, outraged.

i'm laughing so much! this just reminds me of Captain America saying "Language!"

When Nazeera appears, as if out of thin air, I’m not the only one who’s pissed. Okay, maybe I’m the only one who’s pissed.

KENJI ✋🏼😭

I want her to know that invisibility is my thing. That I know I’m petty and I don’t care.

KENJI ✋🏼😭

I look up at the sound of his voice. So quiet and serious. It’s the boy with the green eyes. Mr. Anderson, I realize, is his father.

HE'S KNOWN HER FOR THAT LONG!?!?!

And if you don’t get that, I’m glad things didn’t work out between the two of you.”

ADAM! seriously?!?!?

And it’s not insane to imagine that sometimes even horrible people are searching for a way out of their own darkness.”

Nazeera’s eyes flash with feeling as she speaks, and her words puncture the life vest around my heart.

Nazeera sighs slowly, like she’s surrounded by idiots.

I can’t take it anymore. I don’t know whether to sit down and cry or set something on fire.

“Can’t look at you.” She hesitates. “Why not?” “Too pretty.”

You touch me, constantly, like I’m a child, like you’re trying to comfort me, like you have no idea that I’m a grown-ass man who might feel something when you put your hands on me like that.”

KENJI IS AN ABSOLUTE GENTLEMAN! not wanting to take things to far with her

Thank you for appreciating my face. I’ve always thought I had an underappreciated face.”

There’s a beautiful man in military uniform—I’m assuming he’s the commander—standing in front of a large, wooden desk, his arms crossed against his chest. He’s staring me straight in the eye, and I’m suddenly so overwhelmed I feel myself blush. I’ve never seen anyone so handsome before.

girl! no! do not fall for Anderson!

“We didn’t”—I sigh, look away—“it wasn’t like that. It’s not even anything. We were just, like—” I make some random gesture with my hand that means exactly nothing.

oh, Kenji 😭

Everyone from Point knew Castle’s story. He always made an effort to be honest, to share the hardest, most painful memories from his life so that the rest of us didn’t feel like we were suffering alone.

Which means Castle is probably here to tell us that Nouria has gone rogue. Ha. Like father, like daughter.

And she smiles. Smiles at me and my heart shatters. “Trust me,” she says. “I’d remember you.”

But then, of course Brendan would be compassionate. Even to someone like Delalieu, who stepped aside and said nothing while Anderson set the world on fire.

“Coward,” Nazeera says, standing up. She looks stunning, tall and strong and steady. I love watching that girl move. Talk. Breathe. Whatever.

now, that's a guy who's in love (Kenji)

Delalieu is a resource we never realized we had. And for all his protests, he actually seems like he wants to talk. Maybe Delalieu is the key. Maybe he can tell us what we need to know about—about everything. About Juliette, about Anderson, about The Reestablishment. It’s obvious a dam broke open in Delalieu.

He did lazy work, all the while using Ella as a pawn to fulfill his own sadistic desires.”

You don’t know that Aaron has been in love with Ella for the better part of his entire life. They’ve known each other since childhood.”

The reason he had to keep wiping their memories was because it didn’t matter how many times he reset the story or remade the introductions— Aaron always fell in love with her. Every time.

And Paris pit you and Warner against each other on purpose.

“Knew?” Delalieu frowns. “Paris orchestrated your lives.

Blood beads along my body like morning dew, and a fine mist follows the heat, cleansing and cooling.

Rage, sharp and hot, sears through my chest.

I feel my spine straighten, my jaw go slack. Blood is now bubbling up my throat in earnest, and I don’t know whether to let it up or swallow it down. I cough, violently, and blood spatters across my face. My arms. Drips down my chest, my fresh pink skin.

I’m slowly drowning, suffocating over and over again and never allowed to die.

She looks at me like I might be a wall.

Nazeera are you catching TRUE feelings for Kenji or was that just great descriptive writing?

I wish I’d known how hard it would be to live with myself, to look in the mirror. No one warned me about the nightmares, the panic attacks, or the dark, destructive thoughts that would follow.

No one explained to me how darkness works, how it feasts on itself or how it festers.

She and I hadn’t done anything more than talk to each other. I’d started stealing down to her room whenever I could get away, and I’d trick the cameras’ feeds to give us privacy. We’d talk, sometimes for hours. She’d become my friend.

It was the most innocent relationship I’d ever had, but it meant more to me than anything. For the first time in years, I felt less alone.

“You don’t love her, you mean.” “I can’t imagine how anyone would.”

Aaron saying that about Lena makes me laugh. he 👏 clapped 👏 back 👏 😂

I have no way of knowing that this isn’t simply another part of the torture. It’s impossible to know. It’s agony, boring a hole through me.

My thoughts melt into darkness. The nightmares take me by the throat.

Super weird way to go, but this is it. I’m done. Shit.

NOOO!! out of all the words could have come up with to say your last words. Kenji you choose this!? i love you man, but please you don't have to be the " funny" guy all the time

After I’ve wiped away my tears, I say, “Don’t you get lonely, being homeschooled all the time?” He nods.

YESSS THE MOST ACCURATE REPRESENTATION OF A HOMESCHOOLER 😂

Aaron Warner Anderson is the only emotional through line in my life that ever made sense. He’s the only constant. The only steady, reliable heartbeat I’ve ever had.

I had no idea how much we’d lost, no idea how much of him I’d longed for. I had no idea how desperately we’d been fighting. How many years we’d fought for moments—minutes—to be together.

I swore that if I could do it again I’d do it differently. I said if I could do it over I’d wear the clothes and eat the food and play along until I could figure out where I was and how to break free.

This time, I’ve decided to play along.

And I decide right then that I’m going to have to kill her. “Okay,” she says, “I know you’re probably upset—” “UPSET? YOU THINK I’M UPSET?” I jerk violently against the ties.

Just then, the door rattles. The sound of metal on metal is sharp and abrasive, the sounds like sandpaper against my nerves.

I was built to handle this life, its blows, its sick, sadistic ways. Death has never scared me.

“Hi birthday boy,” he says, laughing as he steps into the light. “Did you miss me?” And I’m suddenly unable to move.

i would too! please do NOT get your birthday present (ifykyk)

My father leans against the table and stuffs his hands into his pants’ pockets in a way that makes him look boyish. Charming.

HELP ✋🏼😭

I feel frozen as the words settle around me. Within me. The revelation isn’t entirely new and yet—the pain is fresh.