Defy Me (Shatter Me, #5)

by Tahereh Mafi

The room feels large and cavernous, gleaming.

Hatred so deep it might boil me alive.

“Enjoy hell,” I whisper, before walking away.

Panic collapses something inside me, bones and organs knocking together, blood rushing to my head. I run for the door and it seals shut, the steel wall forming easily, as if from air.

For the first time, I realize I had the luxury of forgetting. She didn’t.

Emmaline thinks we’re the last hope for the world. She wants us to stand up, fight, save humanity.

With one last tug, I rip her heart out of her body. Evie falls to the floor with a heavy thud, her eyes cold and glassy. I’m still holding my mother’s heart, watching it die in my hands,

DANG JULIETTE

Finally, after all these years, my father is giving me praise. He’s telling me I’m capable. As a child, it was everything I’d ever wanted. But I’m not a child anymore.

And just as I’m trying to decide my next move, I hear a whisper at my ear. “Don’t scream,” she says. Nazeera.

YESSSSSSSSS!!!!!

But the face in the distance is so familiar I stop, stunned, in my tracks. Kenji barrels into me. Kenji. Kenji is hugging me. Kenji is hugging me, and he’s uninjured.

YESSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!

For the first time in weeks I feel a smile tug at my lips. A laugh builds and breaks inside my body. I’ve missed this so much. I’ve missed my friends so much. Emotion wells in my throat, surprising me.

“Hey,” Kenji says sharply. “Don’t you dare start crying. If you start crying I’ll start crying and we do not have time to cry right now. We have too much shit to do, okay? We can cry later, at a more convenient time. Okay?”

oh, how i love kenji 😂

“Only Warner ever tried to convince me I was good enough, but I don’t think I ever really believed it.”

I’ve had men fall to their knees before me, begging me to spare their lives—but I can’t remember a single time in my life when someone apologized to me for hurting my feelings. No one has ever cared about my feelings long enough to apologize for hurting them. In my experience, I’m usually the monster. I’m the one expected to make amends.

And I realize then, in a moment that terrifies me, that I want this, forever. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I want to build a future with her. I want to grow old with her. I want to marry her.

“Ella,” he says softly. A wave of feeling washes over me. Hearing him say my name—my real name—makes everything feel real. Makes us feel real.

“What are you saying?” I whisper. “I love you, Ella. I love you more th—” “Wow. You two seriously couldn’t wait until we got back to base, huh? You couldn’t spare my eyes?”

KENJI ✋🏼😭

Kenji throws a thin airplane pillow at him. “You’re welcome,” he says.

“You are a plague upon my life, Kishimoto.” “I said you’re welcome.” Aaron sighs, heavily. “What I would give to snap your neck right now, you have no idea.” “Hey—you have no idea what I just did for you,” Kenji says. “So I’m going to repeat myself one more time: You are welcome.”

“And when, exactly, did you become an expert on this sort of thing?” I look between the two of them. “What is going on?” I say. “What are you guys talking about?” “Nothing,” they say at the same time.

HA! 😂

But he’s not looking at me, he’s looking at Kenji, his eyes full of laughter when he says, “Please tell me she’s not serious.” Kenji flips us both off. Aaron laughs. And then, leaning in— “You really think I look good in everything?” “Shut up, asshole.” Aaron laughs again.

okay, i love this duo

“I love you, too, princess,” Kenji says, a little too loudly. “And I appreciate you saying that.” Aaron mutters something under his breath that sounds suspiciously like, “Unwashed idiot.”

ohhh, this is too good 😭

She laughs. Looks confused. “I never said we had a normal childhood. Our lives were so messed up,”

“I’ve just never seen anyone eat food with as much enthusiasm as you do.” Kenji raises an eyebrow. “I’m not enthusiastic. I’m hungry.”

Kenji laughs, but somehow manages to keep his mouth closed. He swallows another bite of food and says, “Don’t you want, to, like, I don’t know—buy her some roses? Light a candle? Maybe hand her a box of chocolates or someshit? Or, hell, uh, I don’t know—maybe you’d want to get her a ring first?”

“Hey,” Kenji says suddenly. “Do you even know who Bruce Lee is?”

OMGGG!!! Kenji brought up the Bruce Lee comment again, but this time with Aaron! the parallel fills me with joy

“Romeo Must Die? Bad Boys? Rush Hour? Rush Hour 2? Rush Hour 3? Actually, Rush Hour 3 wasn’t that great. Tangled?”

OMGG! I GET THE JOKE NOW 😭

Kenji looks like he might be choking. “A cartoon?” he says, outraged. “Tangled is not a cartoon. Tangled is one of the greatest movies of all time. It’s about fighting for freedom and true love.”

not Kenji fan girling over Tangled 😂

I give out a single, terrified scream— Or was that Kenji?

HA! 😂

“And now,” I say, “I have to kill my sister. It’s what she wants. It’s the only way.”

Today is not forever. Happiness does not happen. Happiness must be uncovered, separated from the skin of pain. It must be claimed. Kept close. Protected.

Nouria nods. She seems pleased. And then she turns to Kenji and Nazeera and says, “If you’d like, I can arrange to join your separate rooms so that y—” Kenji and Nazeera respond at the same time.

“What? No.” “Absolutely not.”

continuation from previous highlight

The future doesn’t seem improbable here. Hope doesn’t feel ridiculous.

“Marry me,” he whispers.

“Yes,” I cry, slightly hysterical. “Yes. Yes to everything with you. Yes to forever with you. Yes.”

“I love you, Ella,” I whisper. “I will love you for the rest of my life. My heart is yours. Please don’t ever give it back to me.”

he told me what his father used to do to him, every year, on his birthday. I swore to myself I would do whatever I could to replace those memories with better ones. That forever and ever I would try to drown out the darkness that had inhaled his entire young life.

I want to remember, forever, this look on Aaron’s face, as he’s bullied into blowing out his birthday candles for the very first time.

This is, after all, what we’re fighting for, isn’t it? A second chance at joy.