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My eyes are filling fast with tears and I blink and blink but the world is a mess and I want to laugh because all I can think is how horrible and beautiful it is, that our eyes blur the truth when we can’t bear to see it.
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“Because they’re dead, love. They’re all dead.”
“If there were even the slightest chance I could spare you this pain,” he finally says, “I would’ve taken it. You must know I wouldn’t have said it if it weren’t absolutely true.”
revenge I think has never looked so sweet.
Hang tight Hold on Look up Stay strong Hang on Hold tight Look strong Stay up One day I might break One day I might b r e a k free
Hope will break your heart all over again.”
“I love making you mad.”
I feel like a completely different person. Sharper, somehow. Hardened, absolutely. And for the first time in my life, willing to admit that I’m angry. It’s liberating.
“How little you must think of me.” He shakes his head in shock. “I had no idea you hated me so much. That everything I tried to do to help you had come under such harsh scrutiny.”
“I’ve never claimed to be right, or good, or even justified in my actions. The simple truth is that I do not care. I have been forced to do terrible things in my life, love, and I am seeking neither your forgiveness nor your approval. Because I do not have the luxury of philosophizing over scruples when I’m forced to act on basic instinct every day.”
“Judge me,” he says, “all you like. But I have no tolerance,” he says sharply, “for a man who beats his wife. No tolerance,” he says, “for a man who beats his children.” He’s breathing hard now. “Seamus Fletcher was murdering his family,” he says to me. “And you can call it whatever the hell you want to call it, but I will never regret killing a man who would bash his wife’s face into a wall. I will never regret killing a man who would punch his nine-year-old daughter in the mouth. I am not sorry,” he says. “And I will not apologize. Because a child is better off with no father, and a wife is
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He has a soft spot for fashion.
“Juliette—Juliette, love, wake up—wake up—”
“But I’m almost never able to fall asleep when I should. I can’t seem to turn my mind off,”
There’s a strange kind of freedom in the dark; a terrifying vulnerability we allow ourselves at exactly the wrong moment, tricked by the darkness into thinking it will keep our secrets. We forget that the blackness is not a blanket; we forget that the sun will soon rise. But in the moment, at least, we feel brave enough to say things we’d never say in the light.
But I feel so safe, so warm, so devastatingly content that I can’t seem to come up with a single reason why I shouldn’t enjoy this moment.
Because being this close to you is doing things to me. Strange things and irrational things and things that flutter against my chest and braid my bones together. I want a pocketful of punctuation marks to end the thoughts he’s forced into my head.
“You allow the world to think you’re a heartless murderer,” I tell him. “And you’re not.”
Twice I’ve laid myself bare for you and all it’s gotten me was a bullet wound and a broken heart.
You chose him because he’s kind to you? Because he’s offered you basic charity?”
“You want me,” he says softly, his hands moving up my back, “and it’s killing you.”
“You deserve to live. You deserve to be alive.” He’s staring at me, unblinking. “Come back to life, love. I’ll be here when you wake up.”
But the most obvious answer,” he says, exhaling, “is that I stayed because I was able to see you every day.”
“Oh, right,” he says. “Because that makes sense. Because tossing a grown-ass man over your shoulders is just so freaking easy. That shit just comes naturally to you.”
“Damn,” Kenji says after a moment. “Damn damn damn. This shit is bananas.”
I am no longer afraid of fear, and I will not let it rule me. Fear will learn to fear me.
Words, I think, are such unpredictable creatures. No gun, no sword, no army or king will ever be more powerful than a sentence. Swords may cut and kill, but words will stab and stay, burying themselves in our bones to become corpses we carry into the future, all the time digging and failing to rip their skeletons from our flesh.
I’d rather be shot dead screaming for justice than die alone in a prison of my own making.”
“I would rather be dead,” I say to him, inching away from his outstretched hand, “than go back to being silent and suffocated.”
My heart stops. Starts. Stops again. Warner is here.
But Warner’s face changes seasons as I enter the room: the cold line of his mouth blossoms into a bright smile.
“Juliette, love,”
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“Do you never get exhausted being so wholly unbearable? You have as much charisma as the rotting innards of unidentified roadkill.”
“Contrary to what you might believe, love, I am not an idiot.”
I ran away for me. Because I wanted to be free.
“Do you love him?” he asks again, more quietly this time. And I suddenly have to force myself to say three words I never, ever thought I’d say. “I don’t know.”
Warner is smiling.
“I’m not falling for Warner,” I say quietly. “Sure you aren’t.”
“He’s just . . . so different,” I hear myself say. “Warner. He’s not what you guys think. He’s sweet. And kind. And his father is so, so horrible to him. You can’t even imagine,” I trail off, thinking of the scars I saw on Warner’s back. “And more than anything else . . . I don’t know,” I say, staring into the darkness. “He really . . . believes in me?” I glance up at Kenji. “Does that sound stupid?”
“I don’t know which version of me Adam likes. I’m not the same person I was when we were in school. I’m not that girl anymore. I think he wants that,” I say, glancing up at Kenji. “I think he wants to pretend I’m the girl who doesn’t really speak and spends most of her time being scared. The kind of girl he needs to protect and take care of all the time. I don’t know if he likes who I am now. I don’t know if he can handle it.”
“This is so depressing,” Kenji says. “Yeah.” “We suck.” “Yeah.”
“Good for you. I’ll buy you a balloon the minute the world stops shitting on itself.”
“Thank you,” I say, pleased. “You’re a good teacher.” “I’m good at everything,” he points out. “Humble, too.” “And really good-looking.”
I LOVE KENJI SO MUCH OMG-
“Why do you like the rich boy so much?” I take a tight breath. Focus on the brightest star in the sky. “I like the way I feel about myself when I’m with him,” I say quietly. “Warner thinks I’m strong and smart and capable and he actually values my opinion. He makes me feel like his equal—like I can accomplish just as much as he can, and more. And if I do something incredible, he’s not even surprised. He expects it. He doesn’t treat me like I’m some fragile little girl who needs to be protected all the time.”
“I’m here for you, kid. That’s what friends are for.”
