Releasing 10 (Boys of Tommen, #6)

by Chloe Walsh

I always answered her, but she just couldn’t hear me. None of them could.

“Why not? It’s the truth. Half the time she’s a mute, and the other half, she’s screaming her head off and attacking anyone who gets near her.” My sister threw her hands up and screamed. “She attacked another child in her classroom, for fuck’s sake. My friend’s baby brother! She drew blood. You can’t honestly think that’s normal behavior.”

but it felt different now. Flat and bony. Not soft like it used to be.

Breaking down in front of him, my sister covered her face with her hands and screamed, “I wish I was dead!”

“I don’t want to be me anymore.” “Why would you say that?” “Because I’m bad.”

I had to make my family love me.

If I didn’t, they were going to send me away. “Stop fighting it,” a voice in my head commanded, and I flinched when the watery image of a woman’s face flashed before my eyes. “Just give in. It’ll all be better then.” Oh no. The voice was back. The scary voice. The one that made me wet the bed. The one that made me fight.

You’re in the middle of chemo, love.

I didn’t like to look at my eyes for too long. They scared me when they changed colors. They talked to me when they got dark. Inside my head. Whispers, whispers, whispers.

“They have hospitals in Cork, too, you know, and at least that horrible creature won’t find us in my hometown.”

“What’s a lunatic?” “Someone who’s crazy and hears voices.”

“That’s why Grandad drowned in the river when Dad was a kid. The voices told him to jump in.”

“But I hear voices.” My eyes widened. “I can hear your...

“I see things, too. When I’m sleeping. The monster comes to take me. It keeps pushing me down with its sharp nails—”

“I wish she was dead!” Me too.

“Anyone who thinks you’re bad is a stupid fucker.”

“The psychiatrists said it’s because of past trauma.” “What kind of past trauma?” “It’s not… I’m, uh, it’s a private family matter,”

“Would you like that, munchkin?” Mark asked, hand on my shoulder. “Would you like me to fix you?” Nodding, I smiled back at him. Yes, please.

“That’s it. Don’t cry. Shh, shh…” “That’s because you’re a bad girl. God is punishing you…” “He sent me to make you clean…” “Tell me you want it…”

After all, I kept lots of secrets for them. Especially Mark’s secret superpower.

“I’m not running away with you again.” This time I caught the basketball he flung at my head. “The last time we tried that, you pissed in my sleeping bag.” I threw the ball back at him as hard as I could. “With me in it.”

Claire was loud and funny, and she made me feel happy. Shannon was quiet and calm and made me feel safe.

“You’re different, Lizzie Young.” “I am?” She nodded and smiled. “You’re special.” “Is that bad?” “No.” She shook her head, still smiling. “You remind me of Joe.” “Your brother?” “Yep.” She nodded again. “And that’s a very good thing.”

Come back to me. I’m waiting. I’ll find you. Don’t fight it.

the scary lady, with the claws, the one with the voice that crawled inside my head at bedtime.

She crawled out of the water, dripping wet, with her hair in clumps and her long claws.

“But Joe Gibson will always be the original Gibsie.” “And has been since we were children,” Mam agreed with a chuckle. “Which makes his son Small Gibs.”

“Hey, do you ever wee red stuff?”

“Yeah,” Joey agreed with a dangerous chuckle, closing the space she put between them. “But I’m a scumbag that’ll tear your fucking world apart if you touch my sister again.”

“I think you’re right,” he whispered, breath fanning my cheek.

It honestly couldn’t be helped because sitting in front of me was the prettiest girl in the world.

“See how much we get along when you’re not being crazy?”

I had no intention of running away from this girl.

The fact that Lizzie showed up to my party in full costume made me feel special, but knowing that she was matching me? Well, I didn’t know how to handle the way that made me feel.

“I don’t think I like you, Lizzie Young.” He looked out the window when he whispered, “I know I do.”

“All in favor of Liz joining the gang, raise your hands.” Everyone raised their hands. I beamed with happiness. “Then it’s official,” Hugh said, turning to smile at me. “You’re one of us now.” “I am?” “That means we keep each other’s secrets and stick together, no matter what.” My heart leapt. “No matter what?” “Yeah, Liz.” Hugh smiled. “No matter what.”

“We call that bulling a cow,”

“She’s a very fragile little girl who needs looking after.”

The more pain I felt, the calmer my mind grew.

“You know the way Gibsie is going to ask Claire to marry him when they’re grown-up?” I shifted closer until our knees were touching. “Do you think you might ask me to marry you?”

My happiness kept getting lower, and lower, and lower until it hit the bottom.

“Be a good girl and open your mouth.” Get out.

“No, I can feel you,” I squeezed out, trying to make him understand. “I can feel me when I feel you.”

It would be okay. Because he was kind. He wouldn’t make me cry. He wouldn’t make me bleed.

I was feeling. I could feel again. I didn’t have to scream to make the lady go away, either. She disappeared when he found me in the tub. She was afraid of Hugh. Because he was good. Because he was brave. A brave knight.

Mark didn’t fix me this time. Hugh did. And he didn’t have to hurt me to do it…

He was breathing. In that moment, I vowed to never sit back and do nothing. I would never be a statue like Mark or incapable like Sadhbh and Keith. For the rest of my life, I would help. I would save people. I would bring them back to life. Like my father brought Gibs back from his watery grave. Like my mother brought his heart back to life.

It made me proud to be his friend. It made me think I could be brave like him someday, too.

You see, Hugh liked to fix problems, and he was usually really good at it, but this was something he couldn’t fix.

“You let the monster in!” I scratched her again, deep enough to make blood come out. “You let the monster play tricks on me!”