Releasing 10 (Boys of Tommen, #6)

by Chloe Walsh

“Would it be the version of her that stays in bed for weeks at a time, or would it be the version of her who attacks anyone that looks sideways? Hmm? Can’t tell? Well, neither the fuck can I,” Hugh shouted, losing his cool now. “But when the girl I fell in love with pops back up, you let me know, and I’ll be more than happy to oblige and fuck her.” He narrowed his eyes and hissed, “Because that’s the only version of my girlfriend that I have any interest in being with!”

“I fucking loved you enough to put you first. Even when it was hard to do the right thing. I fucking did it. Because that’s what someone does when they love someone. They put that person first.”

My parents couldn’t seem to stand me, and my father often took my mother away from the house for long stretches of time every evening. I knew why. He was giving me privacy to kill myself. He wanted me dead. They all did.

His reaction caused a pang of secondary guilt inside of me. Contrary to how I felt about the rest of the world and the people in it, I would rather peel the skin from my bones than purposefully inflict pain on this boy. At least, that’s how I felt today. Tomorrow, who knew how I would feel. Certainly not me. But today, I loved him.

I understood her bipolar had a great deal to do with her sudden hypersexuality, but that didn’t ease the sheer fucking heartbreak I was enduring. I knew this wasn’t who Liz was, and I knew she was sick, but I was too hurt and too fucking raw to separate the two.

My home had become her reprieve, and breakup or not, I would never take that away from her.

All the regret I had for decisions I had no memory of making. I made them, though. That, I was sure of. Grief—it swept me up in its cruel wave of suffocation before spitting me out on the beach of guilt and devastation.

“I can handle the mood swings. I can handle the depression. Hell, I can even handle the mania. And the crazy fucking eyes. And the way I never know if you’re going to try to fuck me or hurt me. But I can’t handle the cheating.”

I’d long since accepted the knowledge that I would always love Lizzie Young. My heart didn’t have an eject button; therefore, she would never lose her place inside of it. She just had to change spots if I ever found someone else. If I ever dared to open myself up to that kind of love again.

He’s responding. Heart hammering violently, I snatched up the CD case that was thrown on top of me and just stared at him, while Fleetwood Mac’s “Go Your Own Way” drifted through the speakers. He kept his eyes on me when he reached for the volume button and turned it up to its maximum level. Oh yeah, he was making sure I heard him.

this is fucking sad

“I love you,” she sniffled, using her shoulder to wipe her cheek. “No matter what.” “I love you, too.” I couldn’t stop myself from responding. And I clearly loved her no matter what because my feelings still stood despite the cheating and heartbreak.

“You’re coming home with me. Where I can look after you.” “Why would you even want that?” I choked out, roughly shoving him away. “You said it yourself: being around me makes you miserable!” “Yeah,” he snarled, closing the space between us. “And not being around you makes me feel even worse!”

And then, for the first time in my life, I kissed a girl who wasn’t named Lizzie Young. The kiss wasn’t mind-blowing. It wasn’t fireworks. It wasn’t Liz. But it was nice.

hate

“You!” Feely roared. “Fucking you, Hughie!” “What about me?” I demanded, beyond confused. “What in the name of Jesus did I do out of the way to you?” “It’s always fucking you,” he slurred, shaking his head. “You always come fucking first.”

“What happened with young Biggs?” “I hurt him,” I admitted, breathing through my nose, as I willed my heart to kick-start in my chest and prayed for a miracle to rewire my fucked-up mind. “And he broke up with me.” “Well, I can’t say I blame the lad.” Dad sighed. “You’ve certainly broken my heart and soul—and your mother’s, too.”

“You’ll be there when I come home?” Pain. It scorched me. “Of course.” A few minutes later, when they were gone and I was left alone with Catherine, I heard her say, “You lied to her, didn’t you?” Tears filled her eyes. “You won’t be there when she comes home.” Shaking my head, I roughly wiped my tears away. “I’m sorry.”

Today marked Liz’s fortieth day in treatment. It was the longest time we hadn’t seen each or spoke to each other in a decade, and every day, I continued to pine for what my soul assured me was its mate.

I knew I would break him back when we were children. It was the reason I tried so hard to push him away when I was manic. Problem was, I never thought it through until it was too late. I was under some false assumption that I could somehow live without the boy that breathed air into my lungs when nothing had ever been more impossible.

“That’s all I’ve ever wanted, Liz.” Pain flickered in his brown eyes. “I want you to be okay.” He spoke slowly, enunciating every word with care. “I want you to have a good life.” “Yeah.” Just not with you.

pain

“I’m really sorry for not taking accountability sooner, but knowing that I hurt you is the hardest pill I’ve ever had to swallow.”

“I know you need to stay away from me,” she breathed, body racking with tremors. “And I know why you can’t be my friend anymore, but I just want you to know that I am so grateful to have had you in my life.” A pained sob escaped her when she said, “I’ll never have a greater friend, Hugh Biggs, or a greater love.”

“Claire told me you started seeing someone,” she whispered, reaching over the table with her free hand to stroke my hair. “I want you to know it’s okay.” I broke down. I couldn’t help it. Right there in the middle of school, I cried my fucking heart out. “It’s okay,” Liz continued to soothe, while I fought to pull myself together. “I want you to be happy.”

sobbing

Zach Bryan—Spotless: stable Lizzie thinking about Hugh after the breakup.

twist the fucking knife

Fleetwood Mac—Go Your Own Way: for Hugh in Claire’s room in response. Fleetwood Mac—Silver Springs: for Lizzie in Hugh’s room after the breakup.

this is going to live rent free in my head the rest of my life