Shadowfever (Fever #5)

by Karen Marie Moning

1 Hope strengthens. Fear kills. Someone really smart told me that once. Every time I think I’m getting wiser, more in control of my actions, I go slamming into a situation that makes me excruciatingly aware that all I’ve succeeded in doing is swapping one set of delusions for a more elaborate, attractive set of delusions—that’s me, the Queen of Self-Deception. I hate myself right now. More than I’d ever have thought possible. I squat on the cliff’s edge, screaming, cursing the day I was born, wishing my biological mother had drowned me at birth. Life is too hard, too much to handle. Nobody told me there’d be days like these. How could nobody tell me there’d be days like these? How could they let me grow up like that—happy and pink and stupid? The pain I feel is worse than anything the Sinsar Dubh has ever done to me. At least when the Book is crushing me, I know it’s not my own fault. This moment? Mea culpa. Beginning to end, all the way, I own this one, and there will never be any hiding from that fact. I thought I’d lost everything. How ignorant I was. He warned me. I had so much more to lose! I want to die. It’s the only way to stop the pain. Months ago, on a hellishly long night, in a grotto beneath the Burren, I wanted to die, too, but it wasn’t the same. Mallucé was going to torture me to death, and dying was the only chance I had of denying him that twisted pleasure. My death had been inevitable. I saw little point in drawing it out. I’d been wrong. I’d given up hop...