Thrive (Addicted #4)

by Krista Ritchie

“I don’t want to live if you’re not living with me.” I didn’t either.

Lying to everyone we love, it’s not as difficult as it seems. Maybe because we’ve spent more time lying than we have telling the truth. Or because I love her more than anyone else in my life.

Before I was sober, I’d sit at a bar with Connor and people would fawn over him. Six-foot-four with those obnoxiously confident blue eyes. Connor Cobalt is catnip for pussy and cock. He knows it and he almost just doesn’t care.

“I won’t lose you to anything.” “I’m not going anywhere,” I whisper.

“You didn’t know what it was, and yet you still drank it?” Connor says aloud. “Now I’m questioning our friendship.” “Good,” Ryke says, “because I question it every fucking day.” “I remember now, why we’re friends.” Connor steps into his costume’s black pants. “Every man needs a dog.” He pauses. “Lassie taught me that.” I slow clap. “Fuck you,” Ryke says. “I thought it was a compliment,” Connor replies casually with a grin. “Everyone loves Lassie.”

Suddenly, my back bumps into a hard chest. I freeze. This is a man-chest. For sure. “I lost something recently,” he tells me. My heart swells at the familiar voice, and I spin around to drop-dead-gorgeous cheekbones, a ruby-red visor, and lips that pull into a breathtaking smile. “Found her,” he says. I don’t know why those words almost bring tears to my eyes—but they do. They resonate deep within my soul, filling a part of me that only Loren Hale can reach. I fling my arms around his neck, standing on the tips of my toes, and I kiss him. I feel safe in my costume and safe in his arms. No one can stop me from loving him.

Rose’s eyes narrow even more. Then she stomps forward, almost challengingly, and pauses for dramatic effect. With so much confidence, she grabs the back of his head and licks his face slowly, starting from his chin all the way to his nose—like a cat. Connor stands poised, unmoving and unblinking. But his grin could shatter the world. My smile grows. “Did she just…” “Yeah,” Lo confirms, sounding impressed. She recreated a scene from Batman Returns where Michelle Pfeiffer licks Michael Keaton’s face. I’m not sure if Rose has seen the movie or if it’s just a coincidence.

“Rose and I are going to kill each other five feet out the door.” “On the bright side,” Connor says, “Emma Frost doesn’t have a weapon.” He unfurls the whip and snaps it in the air. “That could’ve been your ass.” “You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” I banter. He grins widely, looking less like Batman and way more like Connor Cobalt. “So much it hurts,” he replies.

“You know what?” Lily says, her lips curving upward. “What?” I ask, her smile making me smile. “Catwoman is awesome.” I’m not sure if she means Rose or the costume. Most likely both. Right now, I kind of have to agree. Rose is strong. But so is Lily. She possesses this rare courage. It’s quiet and unassuming, but it still exists. It’s still just as worthy.

Then my phone buzzes in my belt, distracting me. I take it out. This is the second best day of my life. The director just accidentally touched my pinky finger!!!! – Lily I smile so goddamn much that I can hear my father yelling at me for it. He used to do that when I was a kid. Be serious for once in your fucking life, Loren. My lips fall. I text back: What’s the first best day? I press send in an instant. She’s quick to reply. The day I fell in love with you. – Lily

I can’t remember that day without crawling through it all. So I open my eyes, and I let it drift away. It’s okay. I’m going to make new best days with Lily Calloway. I can feel it.

Her gaze falls to the zipper on my jeans, and she blushes on cue. I press the speaker button so she can hear her sister. And then I fish my button through my jeans, Lily’s mouth drops like I performed a fuckin’ circus trick. I can’t help but smile. My girlfriend is beyond adorable.

“Rose,” I say, trying to soften my edged voice. “Sex is a big deal, and you shouldn’t sleep with Connor if you’re afraid.” “Why are you being nice to me?” “I don’t know,” I admit. It feels weird. “Well…I don’t like it.” I glare at the phone. “Good because it’s not happening again.”

I support most of her weight with my body. If someone wanted to tear us apart, they’d have to claw her off of me.

I don’t think either of them believes that Lo will gain the strength to beat his brother in a race. I do though. Lo has the will to speed right past the person who lifted him to his feet. I think, sometimes, we have more faith in each other than we do in ourselves.

“I’ll never understand Ravenclaws,” he tells me. Connor and Rose would belong to the smartest house in the wizarding world. No question. Before the sorting hat even touched their heads, it’d scream Ravenclaw! “Luna Lovegood is pretty cool, and she’s from Ravenclaw,” I say as Rose arches her back and steps nearer. Connor laughs at something she said in French, his million-dollar grin too bright to contain. Lo says, “Only because Luna Lovegood likes the other houses just as much as her own.” I look between Rose and Connor. Even though they’re so smart, they spend so much time in our realm of being. They’re my favorite Ravenclaws that ever were.

“Remember how when we were little?” I whisper. “You’d chase me around before midnight.” “Eight!” the television blares. “Seven!” Lo’s fingers comb into my hair as he holds my face. “You always ran out of breath.” I smile. “I wanted you to catch me.” His amber eyes dance along my features, like he’s engraining every detail. “I thought so.” “Five!” “Catch me,” I whisper. “Four!” “I already have,” he murmurs. Our bodies press together, as though they’ve never drifted apart, not for three months or years or any moment’s time. His lips touch mine, his hand gripping my hair. I pull even closer to his body, the kiss magnetizing me to him. “One!” In this moment, everything else is just background to our story.

I’m going to love Lily how I want to love her. Overwhelmingly, uncompromisingly. Look away if you have to.

He’s known Daisy, Rose, and me almost all his life. Lo wouldn’t let Scott harass us without a major fight.

He hugs me close. There is nowhere safer than in Loren Hale’s arms.

Ryke glances at his brother, just recognizing that we’re in the room with him. I know what it feels like to be so magnetized by someone that you forget about your surroundings. My lips part at a sudden realization. Ryke may be actually falling for my sister. A girl who turns seventeen next month. It’s a feeling, but one I sense deep in my bones like I did Connor and Rose. I can’t tell Lo about my suspicions. Nothing good will come of that.

I won’t turn this bad day into a terrible one. For me. But really, for her. Fear of failing Lily—it motivates me in ways that no one can understand.

“But we’re in Earth-616, love. We’re going to have our happy ending. It just may take us awhile to get there.” My chest lifts at his rare optimism, stirring something powerful inside my heart. It fills me with so, so much hope.

I’m pretty sure that Ryke can handle Connor’s digs. Even when Connor pisses him off, it seems like the comments never really eat at him. Ryke is the strongest person I’ve ever met. Stronger than me. It’s why Connor taunts Ryke and praises me. I don’t know if Ryke realizes it or if Connor recognizes how well I understand his relationship with me. But I see how Connor spends his time trying to build me up—so I believe that I’m just as worthy as my brother. I’m not. I won’t ever be as good as him, but it’s nice to have a friend try to remind me of it.

Everyone looks to me, but I focus only on Loren Hale. His chest rises in a strong inhale as I near. Without hesitation, I crawl onto his lap, and his hands instinctively pull me higher and closer, meshing our bodies together. Our limbs entangle until I can’t tell where one begins and the other ends. I release a staggered breath and rest my head on his chest, his heart beating so fast. His fingers tightly intertwine with mine, and the rhythm of his pulse slows when I close my eyes. Any craving for sex is drowned out by my conscience, not nearly as bad as I thought it’d be. He kisses me on my head, and I pray for a temperate sleep, tears creasing my eyes whenever I start thinking about what happened.

People make mistakes every day, some small and some big, but I just wonder when I’ll stop making them. Or is this a lifelong thing? Do we all just wander through life, fucking up and trying to put ourselves back together only to continue on again? Are we the accumulation of our mistakes? A part of me regrettably thinks so. My failures have defined me more than my triumphs. But I don’t want to live in that hopeless reality. Not anymore. I want to be the accumulation of my failures, my successes, of all the people I’ve ever met, of the man I love, and the life I want. I want to be defined by so many factors that it’s too complicated for any mathematician to piece apart. That would be the perfect life. Not good or bad. Just complex.

“No matter what happens,” Lo says, his lips brushing my ear, “I’ll always be here, Lil.”

My whole body tightens—my muscles on fire. I speak quickly, words gushing out of me. “You did fine, Lil. You didn’t break any rules. You didn’t do anything that we haven’t done together. You stopped yourself.” I hope that this’ll relieve the pain in her chest, the nearly unbearable kind that slams into me like a thirty-foot wave.

Lily spins into my chest and clutches my black crew-neck. Before I can grab her, she ducks underneath the shirt, hiding inside. I feel her wet tears on my bare chest, and her arms wrap tightly around my waist. “I’m not coming out,” she murmurs, her voice cracking. “Don’t make me come out, Lo.” I place my hand on her head and stare down at her through my collar. “Stay there as long as you want, love.” She knew the show would humiliate her in some way, but it’s different when it actually happens. When you feel the unrelenting judgment from every goddamn person in the room. I get it. Any eyeball that pins on her—I meet with the hatred that turns me cold and dark. I could kill right now. It’s not a lie or an exaggeration. It’s a feeling. It’s a hurt so deep that the worst seems possible. I want to hurt people the way they hurt us.

“Don’t let any motherfucker come into your life and destroy what belongs to you. Not your women, not your home, not your money or your career. You protect all of that, you hear me?” He sets a firm hand on my shoulder.

“You’ve been making our lives miserable for the past three months. And you just walk around here—smiling.” Another step closer. “You think I’m the weakest person in the house, so you’ve been going after me and Lily. But get this straight, Scott. I’m the last person you wanted to fuck over. You try to pull my arms like I’m a fucking marionette, and I’ll yank yours out of the socket.”

He wants me to drink and break my sobriety. It’s not going to⁠— Lily darts beside me with a high-pitched scream, steals the bottle out of my hands and chucks it at Scott. The bottle, still in the bag, makes a loud impact on the wall beside his head. He jumps back in surprise, the glass shattering and whiskey dripping down the wallpaper. I’m so stunned that I can hardly move. Did Lily just…yeah, she did. “Don’t you dare give him alcohol like it’s nothing,” Lily says. Scott grinds his teeth and flashes a pained smile, his lips twitching. Then he slams the door on his way out. It takes me a moment to speak. “Lily Calloway,” I say, shocked beyond belief. I turn my head towards her. “Did you just defend me by throwing perfectly good booze at a douchebag’s head?” “Yes,” she says with a nod and then tilts her chin up for further effect. I touch my heart. “I’d propose to you, but I already did that.” She smiles but tries to stay serious, pressing her lips tightly together. “He can’t screw with your addiction.”

“And how about we wait in here for a while, see if we piss off Brett enough that he’ll ditch us for Ryke or Rose?” “I like that idea.” “Yeah?” I nod. “And maybe a virus will infect everyone, turning them into zombies, and when we leave the bathroom, the bookstore will be completely deserted.” “Nice,” he says, “but I’d rather not be inserted into the plot of 28 Days Later.” Damn. He’s good. “I love you,” I suddenly say. I mean it. Because who else would stay in a bookstore bathroom with me, just to hide out for a little while. Definitely not Rose. Maybe Daisy. Ryke would rather die, I’m sure. And Connor can never be added into any equation without hurting my head. So that leaves Lo. Just Lo.

“This is just confirmation of what we already know,” I say, “Rose is a witch. Witch fingers are supposedly very skinny.” Rose rakes me with a long yellow-green-eyed glare. “I hope you get athlete’s foot.” Lily’s eyes widen. “Don’t curse him, Rose.” I break out into a grin. There aren’t many times Lily sides with me over her sister. She likes to stay neutral for the most part. Rose, offended, turns on her sister, hands on her hips and her glare focused. “I’m. Not. A. Witch,” Rose says slowly and distinctly. Lily shakes her head and cringes. “Sorry. It slipped.” Funny thing is, I think if Rose were really a witch, Lily would love her even more.

I stare into his amber eyes that express a thousand regrets. He’s beating himself up about the pills more than I ever could. This video is no one’s fault…but maybe Scott Van Wright’s. I squeeze his fingers, and he laces them with mine. “I thought you were in a fight,” Ryke says to us. “We are,” I say softly, not taking my eyes off his. No one is going to hurt us: I read in his gaze. No one is going to pull us apart. Not Scott. Not my sister. Not his brother. If someone sinks us, it’ll be ourselves. That, I’m sure of.

“You hate me,” I say, “but you put up with me for Lily. It must be hard, right?” I’m no easier to be around than this guy. That’s the sad truth that tears at me. She reads between all the lines, her eyes flitting to the screen and then back to me. “You’re not Julian,” she says like I’m an idiot. “You don’t even come close.” “I made you cry,” I say, my voice hollow. In her bedroom. I pushed all of her buttons on purpose. “I forgive you,” she says easily. “How?” She’s not soft. She sits up straight with barriers hundreds of feet tall. “Because I know you’ll never forgive yourself,” she says. “Your guilt is punishment enough, don’t you think?” Maybe. I don’t know. But I do think she knows me too well. “Anyway, Daisy doesn’t even like Julian. She’s only with him because she’s too scared to dump him and hurt his feelings. We all have a right to dislike him if we collectively know the relationship is doomed.” She pauses. “But you and Lily—you two love each other. It’s not that difficult to put my feelings aside when I can see how happy you make her.”

Daisy watches Ryke leave before she sidles next to me and nudges my hip. “Sorry.” I shake my head and give her a side hug. “You’ve been a valiant soldier. The best.” When she smiles, it’s bright and beautiful, and I wonder how I spent so many years avoiding a relationship with her. Daisy is one of the most soulful people to be around, and maybe if I opened up a little sooner, I’d have felt this joy from the start.

Lo sidles up behind me and wraps his arms around my shoulders. “She’s very protective of me,” he tells the attendant. “It’s sweet actually, when she’s not going bat-shit crazy, that is.” The attendant smiles warmly, and I punch Lo in the arm. “I’m not crazy.” His eyes soften in an apology. “I know.”

Lily sniffs and says, “When did Connor Cobalt become the tooth fairy, granting wishes in the middle of the night?” We’ve known for a long time that Connor Cobalt possesses some form of magic. I smile, tackling and pinning her on the bed. I plant kisses all over her face, and she laughs into more tears. I realize I’m crying again too. We’re starting to feel in control of our own lives. It comes with sentiments so strong that the only response is to laugh, cry, and finally, fall into a peaceful, quiet sleep.

Want to know the most deplorable, heartless thing in my head? I am so fucking relieved that wasn’t Lily on the news. Extending empathy for my best friend, Connor, or for Lily’s sister—I can’t do it. Deep down, I just think: finally it’s not us, finally the world has shit on someone else.

“The world is never going to understand us,” he tells me, his eyes so impassioned that I can’t look away. “But it doesn’t matter, Lil. We have each other, and I get your pain, I understand how badly it hurts, so I need you to block out the other people today, okay? They don’t exist in our world.” Our world. There is no going back to a life with just Loren Hale. Even though it’s harder to have real friends, real connections with other people, it’s the right thing. But it’s what causes so, so much agony inside. Every day in their presence, we stare at reflections of what we should be and know that we can never become them. My shoulders relax, and I whisper, “Do we have superpowers in our world?” “Yeah,” he says, “but you’re not invisible.” Damn. “What can I do then?” “Fly,” he says, “with me.” He lifts me up quickly, onto his back like we always do. And he races towards a door, my hair blowing behind me. My lips rise in a weak smile. He says, “Want to get lost with me in a palace?” I rest my chin on his shoulder, a couple tears dripping but they come from a fuller place in my heart. “Yes.” It’s a good kind of yes. The best kind. One filled with a thousand I love yous, the type of love that can make you fly.

Ryke snaps back and points to Lo. “Your boyfriend fucks more than the average male and way more than me. You two have sex once every night.” Twice. Sometimes three or four times. “He has an excuse,” I defend. “He’s dating a recovering sex addict.” Ryke laughs into a grin. “Don’t fool yourself,” he says kind of meanly. His eyes flit over my shoulder to Lo. I can feel his smile as they both gang up on me. “He wants it just as badly as you.” I would have disagreed with him months ago, when Lo feared pushing me over the edge with his own needs, but now Lo shows his arousal way more. So it seems like the truth.

“Fine,” I surrender, “but can you not sleep with our next store manager? It’s hard trying to find the right girl for the job.” “Then hire a guy,” he says. “We just went through this,” Lo says. He touches my head. “Sex addict.” He motions to Ryke. “Not a sex addict.”

“Wake up!” I rattle his shoulders a little. Hopefully he’ll open his eyes. He’s not dead. He’s not dead. I lift underneath his arms. We’re going to the hospital, Loren Hale. Just you hold on. “You wait for me, okay?” I cry, trying to heave his body with mine.

I kiss Lo’s forehead. You wait for me, Loren Hale. “Promise me,” I whisper, blinking back tears. I can try to hold him as tightly as possible, but in the end, he can slip through my grasp at any moment. He can drift away without me. Please not today.

“Lo,” I whisper, my fingers making circles on his black shirt. “I just want you to know that if you leave this world, I won’t be in it for much longer.” He’s a piece of me. You cut it off, and it’s like going through life with no lungs. That is how deep our love really goes.

The only thing keeping me here is Lily. I try to make every day count for something. For her. When I fuck up, she doesn’t act like it’s the end of the world. She tells me that the next day will be better.

“It’s probably negative anyway. You’re on birth control, right?” “I haven’t missed a single day, so you know what this means?” “That there is no way you could be pregnant.” I exhale for her and smile. She’s being dramatic for nothing. “That I’m unlucky. Very, very unlucky, Lily. Birth control is 99% effective, so Connor’s superhuman sperm somehow penetrated my body’s defenses. He won. His sperm reached my egg and now I’m going to have this thing growing inside of me for nine whole months while he gets to parade around the fact that he impregnated an impregnable woman.” She exhales after that rant. My eyes are saucers and I pat her iron-like shoulder for support. I try not to think about Connor’s sperm or his sperm wearing a superhero cape.

I skirt past the kitchen, training my focus on the living room and the remote. Not Loren Hale, who closes the fridge, a water bottle in hand. I am not even going to glance at his gorgeous bone structure, those sharp-as-ice cheekbones or the pink lips that turn into a sexy pout when he glares. Or his intense amber eyes that always stare straight into me. It’s just me and the remote.

I am miles away from the one person who can talk me down from this edge. From the one person who has been with me every step of my life. Who has shared memories and moments that no one else will ever see. If I give up, she is gone. I destroy this bond that transcends love, taking her soul with me. It is the only thing that keeps me breathing.