Thrive (Addicted #4)

by Krista Ritchie

“I love you,” he whispers, his mouth near my ear. My lips rise into a small smile. “I love you too.”

“I don’t want to live if you’re not living with me.”

I hate everything about that kid. I hate that he’s smiling. I hate that more than one person hugs him. And I hate that I hate him. Why does other people’s happiness have to feel like someone punching me in the gut?

No one even gives me a chance. They just assume I’m going to fuck up before I actually do. I don’t want to be blindsided anymore. Not by the people close to me.

“You’re all going to dress up in costumes? For me?” Poppy shares my smile. “I think we’d all do a lot more just to see you happy, Lily.”

“You didn’t know what it was, and yet you still drank it?” Connor says aloud. “Now I’m questioning our friendship.” “Good,” Ryke says, “because I question it every fucking day.” “I remember now, why we’re friends.” Connor steps into his costume’s black pants. “Every man needs a dog.” He pauses. “Lassie taught me that.”

“Do you have something to say?” Rose asks, raising her chin like she’s ready to combat him. “You look beautiful.” The sincerity is clear in his voice.

What’s the first best day? I press send in an instant. She’s quick to reply. The day I fell in love with you. – Lily

I think, sometimes, we have more faith in each other than we do in ourselves.

The only future I want is the one that ends with her.

I’m going to love Lily how I want to love her. Overwhelmingly, uncompromisingly.

We’re going to have our happy ending. It just may take us awhile to get there.”

You set the trap. You should know where it is.” “It must have carried the trap with it.” “Just use your nose,” Connor says. “Dogs have the best sense of smell.” I actually laugh. “Fuck off,” Ryke retorts.

The sad thing: I am a little dramatic and a lot sensitive.

same here girl

People make mistakes every day, some small and some big, but I just wonder when I’ll stop making them. Or is this a lifelong thing? Do we all just wander through life, fucking up and trying to put ourselves back together only to continue on again?

I want to be the accumulation of my failures, my successes, of all the people I’ve ever met, of the man I love, and the life I want. I want to be defined by so many factors that it’s too complicated for any mathematician to piece apart. That would be the perfect life. Not good or bad. Just complex.

“No matter what happens,” Lo says, his lips brushing my ear, “I’ll always be here, Lil.” I’ll always be here.

I feel so fucking sick. Not because she failed herself. She didn’t. But because she believes that she did. She knows that everyone will see this and think she’s a head case.

“So how’s texting going for you? Has it sucked?” I reprogrammed his auto-correct. Every time he types in yes, it reformats to say cocksucker. No is now blow me. And the phrase, I’m on my way is retranslated to I want to smell your asshole. It’s as unpoetic as I could get. And I fucked with probably fifty common phrases and words.

“I thought his best friend is his therapist.” “He was,” Rose says, “before he met you. And what Connor sees in you, I have no idea. Hanging out with you for more than five minutes is like lying on a bed of nails.” “Likewise,” I tell her.

Her brown hair hangs in her eyes and she brushes it away before trying again. I love her. The world seems empty whenever I watch her. It’s a peaceful existence. But I know a life with just the two of us, alone, is a future better as a fantasy. Friends. Family. They’re not easy to leave behind anymore.

“She’s going to be pissed that she only has one month to fix everything.” Lily calms a little and wipes her eyes with the blanket. “She’s so particular,” she says. “That’s why I’m not going to tell Rose. It’ll be a surprise to her.” He adds, “And I know her well enough to plan a wedding that she’ll love.” He walks to the door, solidifying this as a night that I’ll remember for the rest of my life.

Rose is being lauded for having a boyfriend for over a year, for only sleeping with him. But I’ve been with too many no-named guys. She’s a model that other people can copy whereas I’m dirty, right? No one should follow my footsteps. I never thought of it like that. I never thought that she’d be praised and I’d still be condemned. It’s not fair. If I had been committed to Loren Hale all my life, would people love me more?

“The world is never going to understand us,” he tells me, his eyes so impassioned that I can’t look away. “But it doesn’t matter, Lil. We have each other, and I get your pain, I understand how badly it hurts, so I need you to block out the other people today, okay? They don’t exist in our world.” Our world.

“Love still seems like an irrational concept to me.” He pauses. “But in believing in it, I’ve become like everyone else.” “Are you okay with that?” “More than okay,” he admits.

“Revenge isn’t a benefit, Lo. It’s self-gratification, an emotional response with very little logic and even less reward.”

“I want to marry you.” The words rock me back a little. He holds tighter. “Soon,” he continues on. “In the next year maybe?” His eyes rush mine, searching for confirmation, to ensure we’re on the same page. “Next year,” I smile and slap his arm in excitement. “What if we get married on 6-16?” He’s grinning. His sharp jawline and cheekbones just plain gorgeous. “Whatever you want.”

I’ve given you everything, Loren. I forgot what it feels like to stand against him when he’s this wasted and I’m not. It’s easier when I’m numb. It’s easier when we’re sinking in the same fucked up black hole. But he’s dragging me down, and every brutal cut tears into me. The weight of every word pummeling me. I am sinking beneath it all.

I reach into the cupboard behind me and find a bottle of Glenfiddich. Three-fourths full. I pop off the crystal stopper and put the rim to my lips. I hesitate for only one second before the sharp liquid slides down my throat.

“Lo,” I whisper, my fingers making circles on his black shirt. “I just want you to know that if you leave this world, I won’t be in it for much longer.” He’s a piece of me. You cut it off, and it’s like going through life with no lungs. That is how deep our love really goes.

When I fuck up, she doesn’t act like it’s the end of the world. She tells me that the next day will be better. But sometimes I think that my dad was right. I was never going to be anything more than a bastard.

“Two words, Loren: Female menstruation.” She slams the door right in his face. “Great,” he calls back with irritation. “I’d say talk to me again when you’re done PMSing, but you’re always a bitch.”

“That I’m unlucky. Very, very unlucky, Lily. Birth control is 99% effective, so Connor’s superhuman sperm somehow penetrated my body’s defenses. He won. His sperm reached my egg and now I’m going to have this thing growing inside of me for nine whole months while he gets to parade around the fact that he impregnated an impregnable woman.” She exhales after that rant.

Hahahaha i love their competitions

“We’re going to have our happy ending. It’s just going to take us a little while to get there.”

We aren’t connected by our addictions. But by our childhood. Souls fused together from the very, very start.

I think Connor is onto her secret. Not mine though. Which means I must be smarter than her in this instance. I internally gloat at the idea.

“I’m happy that you’re here,” he whispers. Happiness is better than just glad. It’s brighter and fuller and something I wish I felt more, but most of the time, I always sense it with him. “Me too,” I breathe.

“I don’t want to fight you, Lo,” he chokes, his anguished face near mine. I feel hot, raging tears roll down my sharp cheeks. “You spend so much of your fucking time trying to save me,” I breathe, “and you don’t even realize that you’re killing me.”

“I saved his reputation, and he buried me six feet in the fucking ground every single day he chose you over me, every day he paraded you around and shoved me aside. I couldn’t breathe I was so fucking angry.”

“What’d you do?” I ask. Jonathan answers first. “He’s going to be a part of this family.” He turns back around and I hear him say under his breath, “Like he was always supposed to be.” I read between the lines. To have his son back in his life, my dad is willing to be sober.

Our love is rare. It’s one I can’t abandon, even if I tried. When she screams, an identical one rips through me. When she cries, my world rains with grief. When she loves, I truly, truly fly. I have never wanted anyone else but Lily.

The perseverance to do anything, to be anything. To thrive. Someday, that word will belong to us too. After years of coming up short, it’s all I’ve ever wanted.

“You and me.” I smile against his lips. “Lily and Lo.” “And someone else,” he says. And someone else.

Without my brother, I wouldn’t be sober. I’m not even sure I’d be alive. His decision to enter my life and never let go was one that saved me. No thank you will repay what he’s given me. But it’s all I have. And by the smile that begins to lighten his normally darkened face—something tells me that it’s enough for him.

“Life moves too quickly,” he says. “I don’t want to speed through a single moment. Not anymore.”