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every woman wants the same thing in a relationship: to be adored.
Healthy nonmonogamous relationships clearly require a high EQ—emotional intelligence—not to mention some seriously secure attachment.
most people, seem to believe that if a relationship doesn’t last until death, it’s a failure. But the only relationship that’s truly a failure is one that lasts longer than it should. The success of a relationship should be measured by its depth, not by its length.
The Art of Loving
Maybe that’s one of the reasons I’m studying these things—to understand why I feel the way I do myself.”
The person who is too smart to love is truly an idiot.
But in a healthy relationship of two people with equal internal power, sometimes your partner doesn’t agree with you or support your behavior. And that’s where the real relating begins.”
is it possible to live your
authentic life if you have inauthentic people around you?”
To empty out completely, you need to let go of
all the negative messages you received about yourself as a child.
I realize why monogamy never worked for me before. It’s always been something that I felt my partner expected or made me do. If
Only after you’ve learned how to be alone without loneliness will you be ready for a relationship.”
The procedure I’ve been going through with him is called EMDR, or eye movement desensitization and reprocessing, which looks at the way trauma is stored in the brain and attempts to properly process it.
That is love. It’s when two (or more) hearts build a safe emotional, mental, and spiritual home that will stand strong no
matter how much anyone changes on the inside or the outside.
It demands only one thing and expects only one thing: that each person be hi...
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I’m off all social and dating apps and websites. That’s freedom. Less than twenty people have my email address. That’s freedom. My phone barely makes a sound. That’s freedom.
As I end the conversation with her, not only do I let go of any remaining expectations that she’ll be nurturing or mothering, but I let go, without guilt, of any obligations I owe her as my mother.
So before going to bed that night, I put the photo in a frame and place it next to my bed. And I
vow that from this day forward, that child will be protected. He will be loved. He will be accepted. He will be trusted. And all this will be given unconditionally. He will not be taught to hate and fear. He will not be criticized for failing to live up to unrealistic expectations. He will not be used as a Kleenex or aspirin for someone else’s feelings of loneliness, fear, depression, or anxiety.
I start f...
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him—and me—with the things I needed but never...
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physical,
emotional,
social,
intellectual,
spiritual,
sexual,
A better way to think about it is the destructive self and the creative self: the you that damages your life and the lives of others, and the you that brings forth the best in yourself, is connected to others, and is in harmony with the world around you.
Do you see now that the way you choose to live your life affects everything about it? A cheat here and there is not just a
cheat here and there. It’s a break in the continuum of who you are and the person you are in the world.”
“Don’t trade long-term happiness for short-term pleasure.”
“Think of intimacy as a fire,” he continues. “The more logs you add to it, the bigger it gets. And the bigger it gets, the less you want to throw water on it.”
It takes time to let go of our projections and unmet developmental needs so we can see our partners as they really are and for them to see who we are.
Let’s be great parents to our inner children together.”
high avoidance and low anxiety would be dismissing attachment, a more extreme form of love avoidance in which relationships are rejected almost altogether because no partner is perceived as worthy.
You can’t have a relationship with someone hoping they’ll change. You have to be willing to
commit to them as they are, with no expectations. And if they happen to choose to change at some point along the way, then that’s just a bonus.
They say that love is blind, but it’s trauma that’s blind. Love sees what is.
Communicate and maintain healthy boundaries. This means finding the proper balance of
filtering and protecting your self, thoughts, feelings, time, and behaviors without either closing off behind walls, or be...
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“I used to be crazy,” I tell her. “I think I’m finally getting sane.”
No one can make you feel anything and you don’t make anyone feel a certain way. So
don’t take on responsibility for your partner’s feelings and don’t blame your partner for yours. The most caring thing to do when they’re upset is simply to ask if they want you to listen, to give advice, to give them space, or to give them loving touch.
Love, honor, and affirm yourself. Whatever your decisions, actions, feelings, and thoughts throughout the day may be and whatever outcome they may lead to, if you are healthy, then they are ultimately healthy.
the cowardice of lying,
You can’t change a person unless they’re in diapers.
Love is not an accident. It is a delicate union of two complex, complementary puzzle pieces that have inadvertently been created by different manufacturers.
the unconscious purpose of a long-term relationship is to finish childhood.
