After (After, #1)

by Anna Todd

I was naïve then, and in some ways I still am.

And that’s when he crept into my heart.

At times I am grateful, so utterly lost in the moment of passion that my judgment is clouded and all I can see is him.

All that I’m certain of is that my life and my heart will never be the same, not after Hardin crashed into them.

I spent the last few years nervously anticipating this. I spent my weekends studying and preparing for this as my peers were hanging out, drinking, and doing whatever else it is teenagers do to get themselves in trouble. That wasn’t me.

I have no idea what college will be like, and, unexpectedly, the question that keeps dominating my thoughts is: Will I make any friends?

“Awesome,” he says. “I’m into flowers.”

and images of clouded roses and angry green eyes flow through my dreams.

Even with them, he’s very attractive,

I meet his dimpled grin and can’t help but admire his good looks. Piercings and all.

He doesn’t follow, but for some reason I find myself wishing he would have.

Without meaning to, my eyes go directly to his long torso and the way the black tattoo ink stretches across his surprisingly tan skin. Under the birds on his chest, he has a large tree inked onto the skin of his stomach. The branches are bare and haunting. His upper arms have many more tattoos than I expected; small, seemingly random images and icons are scattered along his shoulders and hips.

His lips are so pink and full, and my head plays an image of Hardin leaning over to kiss me and my pulse begins to race.

Weirdly, I am more surprised by how good he looks than by the fact he called me “Tess” for once instead of “Theresa.”

I look at his lips once more, and I can feel my conscience and my hormones battling. But my conscience loses, and I crash my lips against his, catching him totally off guard.

He pulls his mouth away from mine and I whimper at the loss of contact, but before I can complain he’s at my neck. I feel every swipe and lick his tongue makes. His breath moves across me. He grabs hold of my hair to keep my head just above his as he continues to kiss my neck. His teeth graze my collarbone and I moan, the feeling shooting down my whole body when he begins gently sucking on my skin.

My eyes go down to his boxers again and they are noticeably tighter in the front.

Somewhere in the back of my mind I fight down the thoughts of how much I wanted it to happen again.

I can still feel the way his hand gripped my hair, the way he pulled me on top of him, and the way his lips mouthed “Tess” before kissing me again.

and I want to scream at both of them—actually at all three of them. My mother for treating me like a child. Noah for telling on me. And Hardin for just being Hardin.

I’m frozen against the wall and mesmerized by his green eyes burning into mine.

we just happened to kiss, twice. And he took my shirt off, and I was basically humping him—but

“Your pulse has quickened, hasn’t it? Your mouth is dry. You’re thinking about me and have that feeling… down there. Don’t you, Theresa?” Everything he is saying is true and the more he talks to me like this, the more I want him. It’s strange to crave and hate someone at the same time.

I love the way it looks when it’s back like that.

Still, I like to watch his lips as he talks, the way they move slowly as the words are even slower. After looking over at me a few times during the conversation, he pretty harshly says, “I don’t like to be stared at,” though he does smile a little after.

I didn’t bring you out here to kill you,” he jokes and I gulp. I doubt he realizes that I’m more afraid of what I might do when alone with him than if he was to actually try to kill me.

glancing up at me, catching me staring at his half-naked body.

He unbuttons his pants and I have to force myself to not stare at the way the muscles in his bare back move when he bends down and pulls them over his legs.

My insides stir and I get warm thinking about being naked in the water with Hardin.

This is the second time I have seen him shirtless and he looks even better here, under the open sky.

His eyes widen and I watch them rake down my body. He takes his lip ring between his teeth and I notice his cheeks flush. He must be cold, because I know it couldn’t possibly be me he is reacting to.

and he looks adorable. Hardin, adorable?

His hands grip my thighs and once again I am on fire. Why does my body have to respond to him this way?

He takes me by surprise when he grabs my waist and lifts me into the air.

Hardin’s hand is still on my thigh and I hope he never removes it.

I was enjoying him being shirtless so much that I forgot he would eventually have to put one back on.

His long fingers rub circles on my leg,

the way we kissed, the way I moaned his name while he—God, Tessa, just stop.

And when he touches my arm, I feel the electricity.

Hardin lets go of my wrist and pulls out the chair for me. Feeling like my skin is literally burning from his touch, I rub my fingers over it as he grabs the other chair and drags it across the concrete to sit directly in front of me. When he sits, he’s so close that his knees are almost touching mine.

Hardin is like a drug; each time I take the tiniest bit of him, I crave more and more. He consumes my thoughts and invades my dreams. The second my lips part, his mouth is on mine again, but this time I don’t resist. I can’t. I know this isn’t the answer to my problems and that I’m just digging myself deeper, but that doesn’t matter right now. All that matters is his words, and how he said them: I need you. Could Hardin possibly need me the way I desperately need him? I doubt it, but for right now I want to pretend that he does. He brings one of his hands to cup my cheek and he runs his tongue along my bottom lip. I shudder and he smiles, his lip ring tickling the corner of my mouth.

“You… you make me want to be good, for you… I want to be good for you, Tess.”

“Sorry, but something is not right there. If you were mine, I wouldn’t be able to stay away from you. I would fuck you every chance I had.”

I pout and pucker out my bottom lip. His eyes go straight to my mouth and he runs his tongue along his lips before hooking his lip ring between his teeth.

It’s not what it looked like. We were just talking and then I agreed to stay the night, and somehow I ended up in my panties and a T-shirt, and then gave him the closest thing to a hand job that I know of? That sounds terrible.

“Don’t be shy now, you’ve just made me come in my boxers,” he jokes and then pulls me closer to him. I bury my head in the pillow, and he laughs. I pull my head up and Hardin tucks my hair behind my ear before giving me a soft kiss on my lips. It’s the first time he has kissed me that tenderly, and yet it feels more intimate than when we kiss with tongue. He lays his head back on the pillow and changes the channel. I want him to hold me until I fall asleep, but I get the feeling Hardin is not a cuddling type of guy.

and finally puts his hand on my back. It’s an amazing feeling having him hold me. No matter what terrible thing he says to me tomorrow, he can’t take this moment away from me. This is my new favorite place to be, my head on his chest and his arm on my back.

but I know that spending the night with Hardin last night made my feelings for him so much stronger than they already were. Hearing him laugh while he tickled me, the way he gently kissed my lips, his tattooed arms wrapping around me, the way his eyes fluttered and closed when I traced my fingers over his bare skin—all of it made me fall deeper for him. Those intimate moments between us that made me care for him more also make this hurt so much more.

My thoughts drift off to a place where Hardin was pleasant and funny and we got along. A place where we could date, really date, and he would take me out to the movies or to dinner. He would put his arm around me and be proud that I was his; he would drape his jacket over my shoulders if I was cold and kiss me good night, promising me that he would see me tomorrow.

“Come on, just lie with me. I sleep better when you’re near me,”